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I can't breathe. How can I live in the moment When my thoughts never feel like my own and i Don't know how to admit that I'm broken? How can i be alright? |
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handle with care
understand - finneus
✨ if you leave, i deserve it but please understand i never meant to lie to you. i'm on my knees begging you to stay, hoping for forgiveness for what i've done. i've loved you since first sight so please don't leave me here on my own. please, stay with me forever. i'll be better by tomorrow, i promise ✨
tremors - finneus
✨ i can feel my hear racing, i feel the shakes take over my body. i feel the icy chill on my skin again, the feeling of your hands is still on my skin. i feel so hopeless, i feel like a stranger in my body. the tremors never leave, the tears always come back. i wish i could erase you from my mind ✨
save myself - finneus
✨ life has not been kind to a man like me. but i pick myself up every time i'm knocked down. i raise my fists and try my best to fight back. nobody can save me, i need to save myself. only i can save myself. every turn, every road block, i question if it's worth to fight. my heart is in pieces but i will put it back together again ✨
slipping - finneus
✨ i've been good for so long, i'm trying so hard to stay on this path towards redemption. but i get overwhelmed by the world around me. oh, i feel myself slipping, my hands clawing at the ledge that keeps me from falling into another relapse but i can't hold any longer. i'm falling again to rock bottom ✨
handle with care - finneus
✨ nobody knows how broken i am, nobody sees the sadness behind my eyes. i'm fragile, like a package labeled "handle with care," so, please, be gentle with my heart, it's fragile ✨
my chest tightens - finneus
✨ i saw you again today, that familiar face that i remember from my most vivid nightmares. i feel my heart pounding, my breathing picking up. there's a tightness in my chest, a pain in both my palms. my body shakes when you look at me with those menacing eyes, and i can't help but break down ✨
love without pain - finneus
✨ you saw me break for the first time today. i tried so hard to be strong and never show you that part of me. everyone always runs when they see that. i just want love without pain, love without pain. take me into your arms, show me that love can be tender, that love can be soft. that's all i need ✨
i dream of you - finneus
✨ i memorized the little features of your face, the freckles that i often count over and over. you are my definition of perfect, you are everything i need. and when i go home at night, i lay down and i dream of you and dream of holding your hand, pressing kisses to your lips. oh, how i want you to love me ✨
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love letter
your love - finneus
✨ oh, how i wish i could tell you the things in my mind but oh! i'm scared i'll drive you away. i'm scared you'll look at me with disgust, that you'll see me the same way i see myself. i don't want you to leave me, i don't want to lose you. your love is the only thing that keeps me going. it is my motivation and i need it. you are all i have and all i need. your love keeps me sane, keeps me living ✨
loving ink - finneus
✨ the needles go in and out of my skin, making me wince every so often but you were right there, holding my hand. you have my initials on your hip and i have your name being marked on my skin. it's loving ink, a reminder of my undying love for you ✨
love letter - finneus
✨ i wrote a love letter to you yesterday telling you how i felt about you. i wrote how you light up my world with just that smile. my love letter was addressed only to you, my soul mate, my one true love ✨
make me smile - finneus
✨ i look at you and i can't help but light upon, nobody makes me feel the way you do. you laugh and it’s like the sweetest music. the way you look when you play that guitar, getting lost in the music. i can’t believe you’re mine sometimes. you’re the only one, the only one who can make me smile so wide my cheeks hurt ✨
keep me calm - finneus
✨ when the shakes won’t stop and my thoughts rip me apart, will you still be there? will you stay to hush my screams and wipe my tears? i know i’m a mess, i know i can’t control my emotions. i’m sorry i yell, i’m sorry i shut down, i panic over little things. but please don’t go, please stay here. i need you to keep me calm. whisper “everything will be okay†✨
broken - finneus
✨ you left me naked and bruised. you told me i'd never be good enough, that no one could ever love me. and i believed you. oh, i believed everything you said. you yelled at me, left permanent scars on my skin. you tortured my soul. now i’m broken ✨
touch - finneus
✨ you’re touch is like fire on my skin, your touch makes my soul soar. i want you to hold me in your arms forever, let me relish in your touch ✨
aches and pains - finneus
✨ i know it hurts, i know you feel like giving up. we all get low, we all feel down, we all want to give up. sometimes it feels easier to give in, to say goodbye to the world for good, trust me i know but i promise, these aches and pains will get better ✨
fight the battle - finneus
✨ don't give up, just keep going. i know that it's hard, that giving up seems like the easier path. just listen, listen close to what i'm going to tell you. everything about you is wonderful and strong. so, please, fight the battle and win the war in your mind. you can do it young soldier, you can recover from this battle, i believe in you. oh yes, i believe in you ✨
coffee shop - finneus
✨ i remember my hands shaking when i walked into the coffee shop. it was a familiar atmosphere on a chilly day. the way you looked at me made my heart stop and i could feel myself falling in love but i was scared, scared that you wouldn't feel the same way but i should've known from the start, you'd be the one to steal my heart ✨
safe - finneus ft christo alexandris
✨ you saw all my scars and you kissed them better, telling me i am beautiful the way i am. you made me feel safe at my most vulnerable state. you made me feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time. with you, i feel safe. in your arms, i know i'm safe ✨
world on fire - finneus
✨ the world may be on fire and we could be living our last few moments but i wouldn't want to spend them any other way. if i were to die tomorrow, i want you to know that you have made me happy. in this world on fire, you're the one who i will protect forever, the one i'll die for without question, without pause, in this word on fire ✨
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[align=center] finneus dominic coleman
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word count 1683
aching. sore. chills. pain. pain. pain. pain.
that was all the hazel-eyed boy felt as of late. it was overwhelming, it was debilitating. he rarely left his bed. his skin seemed paper thing, the muscles he once had were gone. the strong boy had been replaced by one who was skin and bones about to be blown away by the smallest gust of wind. without a shirt, you could count all his ribs. his fingers and arms seemed frail, like twigs about to snap in half. he looked sickly, it was evident. and in a way, he was. withdrawing from a drug you'd been taking for three years did that to a person.
his face was often red from crying or blank from the overwhelming emotions hitting him all at once. it made him sick to his stomach and countless times he was in the bathroom, leaned over the toilet, throwing up what was in his stomach. it was rarely food, mostly stomach bile that made his throat burn. his eyes would well up with tears and he'd cry until all his tears were spent.
of course, he had his taller, curly-haired companion and lover by his side but he pushed him away, paranoid that his lover would give up on him. that's how he ended up in the hospital last month. he thought the world was better without him, that the man he loved would be better without him. he swallowed as many pills as he possibly could. his plan had been foiled by the other who had forced him to throw the pills back up by sticking his fingers down his throat ( a rather unpleasant task and feeling ) before calling 911.
he remembered waking up in the hospital to the sound of soft cries, his cries. it took a few minutes for him to look over and he felt his chest tighten, knowing that he was going to be left a lone. a breakup was inevitable like the last two times. he deserved it though, he wasn't worthy of the other's love and caring nature, how he nurtured him and was doing his best to get him through the withdrawal.
and he finally looked at him.
"you're okay. thank god."
there were tears streaming down his face. he placed gentle kisses to his hands and held onto it tightly. the hazel-eyed boy felt his chest tighten but he couldn't speak, his mouth couldn't form words, his vocal chords refusing to vibrate.
"finn, you scared me..." pause, "i thought i lost you."
surprisingly, he stayed and finn had a brief time of relief but it lasted all of a week before he felt the emotions overcome him again. that's why he was on the couch, eyes squeezed shut, tears slipping silently down his cheeks. the other was somewhere else in the tiny apartment but finn didn't care. he was too in his own mind to focus on the whereabouts of his boyfriend. for all finn knew, he could be packing his bags and about to come out and breakup with him.
he heard the soft scratching of a chair being moved across the wooden floor boards and finn covered his ears, hating the sound of it against his eardrums. but a soft pair of hands took finn's shaking ones in his own and he flinched, startled by the sudden physical contact which resulted in gentle kisses against them.
"hey, it's just me. it's chris."
finn opened his eyes, a few more tears falling as he looked up at chris and slowly nodded. he studied the features of his face. he had the most gorgeous brown eyes and a splash of freckles across the bridge of his nose that seemed to form constellations. the same ones that finn sometimes counted when he was having a panic attack. followed by telling things he knew about chris, slowly being reeled back into the world again. the flashback would pass soon after.
but his eyes wandered away from his face and saw the familiar guitar beside the chair. many times, chris played for finn and sang too, when finn was up for that. mostly, he just wanted to listen to the soft chords. it had been maybe a year since finn had touched his piano but sometimes chris would play him something on it. music was a big part of their lives. before this whole debacle, they played together and sang along to the radio. they'd hum tunes while doing homework or while chris cooked and finn attempted ( and failed miserably ) to help. it had become an outlet for them.
"i thought i'd play you something that i've been working on, if that's alright with you of course"
that was a familiar theme, chris asking if it was okay if he did something, probably for fear of accidentally triggering a panic attack like he had done one time when he touched finn's neck. it wasn't chris's fault though, finn hadn't explained boundaries or what was and wasn't okay. he knows he should but he can't seem to write it down. he'd probably start crying.
[b]"yeah, that's alright."
his voice was quiet and hoarse, as if he hadn't used it in years. in reality, it was from the crying. from the nights when he laid in bed, sobbing as a depressive mood swing overwhelmed him. chris held him close those nights, just letting him cry. he never judged him for how he felt, never once said he shouldn't feel a certain way. sometimes, finn would softly rub his arms or back and other times he would softly rock him back and forth in an attempt to make him feel safe.
a few silent moments passed before the familiar sound of the guitar filled the small room. petunia and toffee and come out of the bedroom at the sound of it, the little corgi sitting by the the chair and the bloodhound laying on the couch by finn's feet.
"'cause underneath the darkness, there's a light that's trying so hard to be seen"
he closed his eyes, focusing on the guitar, pushing away his own troubling thoughts. just the first line made finn tear up. hearing that, finn knew that he would probably be sobbing by the end. he focused so much on the lyrics, letting them resonate, realizing that this wasn't just one of the little drabbles chris did. no, it was about him. it was about him. and that only made him hurt so much worse, so much worse.
"you keep on telling me i'm wasting time, but to call it wasting time, oh, that's a crime"
that's what chris didn't understand, it was a waste of time. finn would never completely be better. he'd never be who he was. he wouldn't be that confident person he had met at the party. that was never who finn was, that's what the drugs made him. finn had never been confident. he was broken, broken beyond repair. no amount of trying to put him back together would ever change that, ever.
"and if this is what it takes, let me be the one to bear the pain. and if this is what it takes, i'll break down these walls that are in our way"
finn started crying more visibly, hearing chris's voice break a little when he sang that. his heart started to pound and his hands balled up in fists, nails digging into his skin. chris didn't deserve to feel like he had to continuously protect him from the pain. he was dealing with so much that it made guilt eat away at his stomach. finn knew he shouldn't be chris's priority. chris should be dealing with his own issues.
but that would never happen.
"and if you don't understand yet, then i'll never let you forget that you don't have to do this on your own. i'll be your shoulder to lean, i'll be your right when you feel wrong. so, come on take my hand —"
chris had stopped, hearing choked up sobs echoing from finn. the broken boy couldn't hold them in anymore, he had to let it all out. he hadn't even noticed that chris had tears in his eyes too. finn buried his face in the pillow he was laying on and petunia was already up to see what was wrong with her boy.
it was maybe half a second later when he felt strong arms wrap around him, a calm but shaky voice softly shushing him. gentle fingers carded through his hair, trying to soothe him and his sobs. it did little to help, finn just kept crying and crying and crying. he had sat up enough to wrap his arms around chris as tightly as he could, burying his face in his neck, the tears dropping onto the other's shirt, the blood from digging his nails into his hands also staining chris's shirt.
he felt a hand gently rub circles on his back, a soft pair of lips pressing delicate kisses to his hair, just holding him close. finn could feel the uneven up and down of chris's chest, evident that he was still crying.
"i wish you didn't have to go through this, finn. i hate seeing you in so much pain. it hurts. but, i know, we're gonna get through this, you're gonna get through this. i'm so proud of you. i know it's overwhelming but you keep fighting and i couldn't be prouder."
finn couldn't respond, his sobs just grew louder and louder while chris just continued to rub his back and kiss his head. and, at some point, finn felt strong arms pick him up as if he weighed no more than a feather and carried him to the bedroom and gently lay him down. a familiar dip in the bed made him open his eyes and there was chris. he felt a soft kiss on his forehead before a warm blanket was pulled over the two of them, but finn still curled up against his chest.
"i love you finneus, i love you so much."
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