「 heartbreak warfare 」 — hayley's journal

[HAYLEY]

[align=center][div style="width: 430px; text-align: justify; font-family: calibri; font-size: 8pt; color: black; line-height: 22px;"]
so, since everyone else has journals, i said yolo and decided to have hayley start journaling!!

[HAYLEY]

[align=center][div style="width: 430px; text-align: justify; font-family: calibri; font-size: 8pt; color: black; line-height: 22px;"]
february 12, 2039

so, i see everyone with their nose in one of these, and i figured i'm missing out on something. i don't know if there's any value putting words onto paper, but we'll see. if anything, maybe when hope's my age she can get a glimpse into my life.

hope's about a month and a half old, and she's getting bigger every day. she seems to have gotten over her cold for the most part, and she's sleeping better through the night. i can't wait to toilet train her, because diapers are so not my forte. jackson doesn't seem to mind doing it though, and any time he tries to complain, i point out the fact that i dealt with pregnancy and labor by myself, so he can deal with diapers. that usually shuts him up.

jackson proposed a few days ago, and i'm still reeling over it. i can't say it to his face, he won't listen to it, but i don't deserve him. i just... i don't. he's sweet and he's funny and, i'm not saying appearances matter, but that man? shirtless? it's a miracle i'm not pregnant again. i think he loves me, and that kills me because i don't deserve it. i think i'm starting to fall in love with him too, as much as i can. one day though, i hope he smartens up, leaves me. he will if he knows what's good for him. i'm not good at the whole relationship thing, i never have been, but i'm trying for him.

the wedding is in ten days, so he's got ten days to back out, but i know he won't. he's amazing, but i'm convinced he's sort of stupid, as he's convinced himself he doesn't deserve me. he'll figure it out eventually though.

anyways, i need to put hope to bed, so until next time? i guess?

- hayley

[HAYLEY]

[s]all tracks are welcome

[HAYLEY]

[align=center][div style="width: 430px; text-align: justify; font-family: calibri; font-size: 8pt; color: black; line-height: 22px;"]☁  the second page is torn out of the journal. entries continue on to the third page:

---

march 18, 2039
dear jackson,

i'm angry with you. no, i'm not angry, i hate you. you left me. you left me and you left hope, and more specifically, you left hope with me. i don't have any idea what i'm doing you asshole, i don't know how i'm supposed to raise her, how i'm supposed to make sure she turns out alright. i feel like everything i do is just going to hurt her, to ruin her; she's perfect, and i'm so far in the opposite direction, and i couldn't possibly do right by her, no matter how badly i want to.

i kept your ring. you left me, you left us, so you don't get to keep it. it's not even for me, it's for hope when she gets married some day. you said the rings were your parents, and they're the closest thing to a family heirloom hope's going to get. i can't decide whether i want to keep wearing mine or just take it off and hide it with yours. i don't want to forget you, but i'm not sure i can live with the pain of losing you. i can't bare to miss you, so being angry is just easier. it's easier for me to hate you than to admit that i'm nothing without you.

i tried to journal before, but it didn't... it didn't really work out. i think it was because i felt like i was writing to nothingness, to the journal itself, but now i feel like i have more of a purpose, a reason to write it. this journal is letters to you, to yell at you for leaving me and tell you everything you're missing with hope. i'm not sure i believe in an afterlife or anything, but i want to. i want to believe that, even though you're dead, you're still here with me, watching hope and doing some kind of paternal duty from the grave.

i'm not really sure what else to say. everyone keeps telling me how sorry they are for my loss, and they keep telling me how great you were, and they're just... treating me like i'm some delicate flower. you're dead, whatever, i'm over it. i loved you, you promised me forever, and whoop-dee-fucking-do, you're dead. you might have been a good man, but you sure as hell weren't an honest one. last i checked, we don't have two more kids and i don't have any gray hairs. hope will never know you, and i'll always resent you for that, for abandoning us. i know tyler's told you what a bitch i can be, how i can hold a hell of a grudge, so brace yourself for me telling you what an asshole you are for the rest of my live.

love,
hayley

[HAYLEY]

[align=center][div style="width: 500px; text-align: justify; line-height: 150%; color: #494949; font-family: karla; font-size: 8pt; letter-spacing: 0.2px; word-spacing: 1px; margin-top: 10px;"]
may 09, 2039
dear jackson,

i haven't written to you in a while. i've been trying to move on, i guess, or... the best that i can. everywhere i look, i think of you, and i'm trying not to, but it feels impossible. hope's turning out so much like you, so happy. and summer... god, you two are so different, but so similar. always laughing, lighthearted, she's been trying to master your pickle recipe.

i'm pregnant again. i've known for a while, but... well, you left, so you get information when i feel like giving it to you. triplets. can you believe that shit? i chose to blame you for this. two girls and a boy, anton said, but knowing my luck i'll just end up with three boys and have to figure out that shit show on my own. i've been trying to pick out baby names, but it's proven to be more difficult than i expected; i think i want one of the girls to have the middle name jackie, in some weird sort of memory of the man who abandoned us.

but it's whatever. i did it once, with hope, and i can do this again. i never intended to have you the first time, and i can do it alone just fine now. i just miss you.

so yeah, whatever. i apparently have a brother now too, which i'm still trying to figure out how to deal with. he's nice, and he's trying, but you and i both know i've never been good at letting people in. but these kids, they need whatever family they can get, so i'll figure out how to do this for their sake. i bet you guys would have liked each other. i think you might have met before, too; his name's miles. but its whatever.

anways, i have things to do besides write letters to a dead guy. so, until the next time i decide to sit down and write in this stupid thing.

love,
hayley