LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME - dump

[grayflower]

ok i plan to use this for character descriptions , short pieces of writing that i want out there but don't intend to roleplay with , life updates , etc

[grayflower]

LIFE UPDATE FOR FRIDAY, JANUARY 18TH, 2019

TRIGGER WARNING : ALCOHOL

CONTENT : FAMILY PROBLEMS , CRUSHES , FRIENDS , CONS , COSPLAY , COMING OUT

my dad has, so far, kept his promise. he's stopped drinking. my sisters keep stressing me out, but that's just part of being the oldest i guess.
i'm going to a con with my best friend tomorrow (who now knows i have a crush on him - he doesn't feel the same way but he's okay with it) and i'll be staying at his house till monday. i'm going home with him on the bus today. he'll have another friend there, one he doesn't get along with very well, but she's not staying as long as i am. i swear to god, if they fight while i'm there, i'm going to smack both of them.
i'm excited about my cosplay, though. i've never really done a cosplay before. i'm a little worried it'll look silly on me, but i'm gonna try and get over it because i love cons and i love cosplay and in general i love dressing up.
some of my friends are having really rough times right now and i'm stressed about it. i want to make them feel better and i know i can't. that kind of helplessness- it's not fun. i won't say this to any of them, of course. i shouldn't be making this about me, when they're the ones struggling right now. still, it breaks my heart to see my friends in such a bad place with nothing i can do. i guess all i can do is keep supporting them.
an old friend of mine told me recently that he's had a crush on me for a long time. over a year, apparently. i was suspicious, but the confirmation was sort of a surprise. i didn't think i was really his type of person, to be honest. our friendship was weird. we're kind of- how do i put it politely- poorly matched. i don't like him back but i want to keep him in my life. even if i did like him back, i'm nowhere near stable enough for a relationship. as badly as i want one, i'm not stable enough. that, and the one person i really want a relationship with right now doesn't like me back. whatever. i'm just going to keep going and hope my feelings settle.
i came out as trans to my favorite teacher and she's been using the right name. it feels really good to have an adult ally! she's the first teacher i've ever come out to, and being able to put 'lark' on my papers for at least one class is so refreshing. her classroom is a peaceful place for me now, just because i know i have support there.

[grayflower]

CONTENT WARNING : PARTIALLY VENT
DON'T RECOMMEND READING BUT W/E! IT'S PUBLIC, LIVE YOUR LIFE

why does it feel like i break everything i touch? i feel, constantly and intensely, that my friends would be happier without me. they protest, they say "no we love you" but that's because they don't know what their life would be like at this point if they'd never met me. c, he'd find someone better, someone more stable, he'd get a best friend who doesn't have a big awkward crush on him probably. f, she'd find someone else to do her hair. she'd find someone who doesn't need to leave the panel 15 minutes in because he's having a panic attack. m, well she barely knows me. what difference would it make?
i probably spoiled the con for them. leaving a panel 15 minutes in because i started to have a panic attack. sitting down on the floor, crushing my stuffed dog to my chest, taking sharp, short breaths. trying not to cry. waiting for him to come back- he sent me ahead so he could tell f what was going on. i feel him sit down next to me, close but not touching. i teach him basic sign language in a whisper so that i don't have to speak. i teach f when she joins us. they don't think it's weird like my old friends did. they roll with it, asking me occasionally what something i'm signing means. they laugh when i sign 'good boy' at my stuffed dog. "wait, wait, teach me that. do it again." so i teach them my favorite phrases in sign language. they don't know much, but now they know enough that i won't have to talk when i can't. i teach them good, bad, yes, no, love, hate. we look up more words and learn them together.
well. this started out really negative but. i guess they do love me. the way they just go with my limitations- it's so much easier than in my old town. i love them, really. they're good for me.

[grayflower]

LIFE UPDATE FOR TUESDAY, JANUARY 22ND, 2019

CONTENT : CONS , CRUSHES , ANXIETY , INJURIES , CRYING

NOTE : c told me if i need to get his mom's attention, just call her 'mom' so that's what i'm doing because she's better than my actual mom and also, his family is better than my actual family so they're pretty much mine now

FRIDAY: went home with c on the bus. helped him clean while we waited for mom and m. turns out c and m are really similar- i love c so much but i do NOT need two of him. we styled my kiibo wig and packed for con. m slept in a recliner while c and i shared the couch.
oh, i forgot, m asked me at one point, "you know about homestuck?" and i answered, "unfortunately." and she said, "i'm so glad you said unfortunately."
SATURDAY: con! we woke up at 4:15 a.m. and left the house around 5:00 a.m. we picked up f and started the long, long ride to con. i took 2 dramamine and napped on m. turns out that was a bad idea- i'm so small, 2 dramamine is enough to make me dizzy and lightheaded. we stopped at a gas station for snacks and drinks- but i forgot my glasses in the car at first and had to ask strangers to direct me to the bathroom. i don't remember most of the ride up there, i think i napped a lot. i cosplayed kiibo at con and c said that i'm a really cute kiibo. while we were doing our makeup in the bathroom, i got compliments and gave them back. there were a few goths and a few super-pastels, and i loved seeing all the different fashions. f, c, and m all bought me stuff since i didn't have money. i got two pins, four stickers, two plush keychain thingies, two hairclips (one i gave to f), a rainbow necklace, and a big squishy shiba inu pillow (which c helped me name! google translate says 'bukimina' is japanese for squishy, so that's what we chose. buki for short). it started snowing around the middle of the day so we went outside to enjoy it. in the south, you don't get much snow. i got excited and started skipping and jumping around, but i was wearing three-inch platforms so i fell and twisted my ankle. it doesn't hurt that bad anymore but man that was embarrassing. i also jumped up on the edge of a fountain at one point because i was excited and f and c both went 'no no no no no' and started trying to get me down because of the platforms. i'm the oldest in our group but i'm still kinda the baby i guess.
( i will add to this list as i remember ) i got pictures with the following cosplayers: hiyori iki, kofuku, sailor moon, hatsune miku, kokichi oma, rose quartz, amethyst
every time i passed the kofuku for the rest of con, i said "hey waifu" and when we were leaving i said "nice to see you #1 waifu" and blew a kiss lmao.
ALSO THERE WAS A VOCALOID CONCERT ! me, c, and f went (m spent a lot of con wandering alone or in the car with mom) and we had a blast tbh. f doesn't care much for japanese stuff but me and c are weeaboos. they played tokyo teddy bear, which i happen to know all the way through, and i think i may have impressed f a little. near the end of the concert, we went and stood in the back, where a couple of guys were encouraging everyone to dance. that was really fun! i managed to get my confidence up a little.
there was a random guy playing music on an accordion??
also i saw a couple of homestuck cosplayers,, eridan and sollux,, their cosplays were actually really good, as much as i try to avoid homestuck.
c said that f and i would make a cute couple, because we had spent the whole day holding hands and i napped on her more than anyone else that day. it was a little awkward.
because the snow melted quickly and refroze, and because mom was tired, we spent the night at a hotel. m shared a bed with mom. me, f, and c all shared a bed, though f rolled off the bed and chose to stay there. f was really tired and became an expert comedian. "why is the spine stealer my best support system? he always has my back." i'm honestly smiling just thinking about that one.
SUNDAY: woke up when m and f came in from breakfast. c and i slept another half hour, then went to get breakfast. i left before him and planned to take a nap, but i did f's hair instead, braiding it in a sort of elf-like style. we left the hotel about 10:30. there was a bit of a delay, and f ran back inside before mom came out because i realized i didn't have bukimina. she came back out a few minutes later and told me that he had indeed been left, but she rescued him for me. c drove for a while. he played hamilton and the three of us sang along, while m listened to something else in her earbuds because she doesn't like hamilton. when mom started driving again, c moved to the back and the two fought over me. i cuddled both of them for a while but ended up cuddling mostly with c, which f pouted about before he pointed out all the time i had spent with her.
we took f home that morning and met up with m's mom later that day. c and i went into j.c. penney and ended up spending an hour in sephora while he did my makeup. turns out if you ask the sephora employees, they're more than happy to let you use the sample makeup to create a look. unfortunately, i started to get the allergy itch so i had to take the makeup off, but man! i looked pretty!
c and i cuddled for a while before going to bed. i woke up at some point during the night, and he got me painkillers and a drink. i think he likes when i'm sleepy, because my voice is high and mumbly and i'm sweeter then. after i took the painkillers, i cuddled back into him and mumbled "thank you i love you" and he laughed at me a little and kissed my forehead. i remember i had some really weird questions: i told him angels have lots of eyes, then i asked him if they could see out of all of them. then i asked what their field of vision looks like. he sort of ignored this and let me fall back asleep. he didn't remember this at all when i brought it up in the morning.
MONDAY: we played detroit: become human for about an hour, and then my dad started texting his phone. i got into an argument with my dad, and i ended up crying on c for a little while because of anxiety. the rest of the day wasn't so great; mostly c trying to settle my anxiety but not quite knowing how to. we watched a movie for a little while, and then i told him it'd help me to have something to focus on so we went back to detroit: become human. mom bought us veggie burgers, which i had never had before but actually they're pretty good. and then i went home, fully prepared to be yelled at or something, but my dad was asleep when i walked in, and he seemed to have forgotten all about our argument this morning. idk. my dad has problems. i hate the way he aggravates my anxiety on purpose. i spent the whole ride home squeezing c's hand. when i got out of the car, c helped me carry my stuff and he stopped me before i opened the door. "if anything happens, at least stay for school tomorrow and tell me everything, okay? i love you."
i don't know. it's been rough. i'd rather live with c but i don't want to be any trouble. i know his family loves me and they don't mind having me around, but i would feel like such a burden.
well! if you read this far, uh, thanks i guess? that's how my weekend went.

[grayflower]

c gave me an old phone of his, said it can't download apps or anything but i can use it for a journal or a place to write. i don't think i'll tell my dad about it, maybe not my sister either, that way it just stays mine. my dad is nosy. i'll put a password on it just in case.

[grayflower]

LIFE UPDATE FOR FRIDAY, JANUARY 25TH, 2019

CONTENT : RELATIONSHIPS , COMPLAINING ABT MY DAD , U EVER HAVE A BOY SO GOOD HE OFFERS TO CLEAN UR ROOM EVEN WHEN U TELL HIM IT'S A DISASTER BC UR DEPRESSED AND CAN'T MAKE URSELF CLEAN IT ?? ?

C IS NOW MY BOYFRIEND AAA
i told him my dad wouldn't let me go anywhere if i didn't clean my room really well, but i was going to have to work through my chronic pain and it was gonna really suck, and he told me, "let me come over and help you clean" and i'm ?????? i love him ?????? WHEN UR BF PRESSURES YOU TO LET HIM CLEAN YOUR ROOM SO YALL CAN HANG OUT ??????? except my house is disgusting and tiny and so is my room because poverty and depression (( so i don't really want him to see my house even though i know he wouldn't judge me ,,, idk maybe i should see if my dad will let him come over and help anyway though he'd probably say no ,,, i gotta get over this fear of him seeing my house / meeting my family eventually .. if i don't have it done by like 5 pm i'll see if he can come over ig . he has an extra movie ticket and wants me to come with him, then stay the night. part of the reason i don't plan to tell my dad we're dating is so i can keep hanging out with him lmao because my dad would probably be a lot stricter if he knew c was my bf. lying for convenience ! not good but what my dad doesn't know won't hurt him yknow. me and c don't mess around or do anything dangerous and like ? we're both trans so it's not like i'm gonna fuckin . get pregnant or anything. and i know c wouldn't hurt me. but my dad is a Paranoid Parent so w/e.
i really like him ,,, so much ,,, we've kinda been acting like boyfriends for a while but now we can actually show it ! he walked me to class like he always does but he held my hand and hugged me extra tight and kissed my cheek and i just ,,,,,,, i'm still glowin
apparently his mom has known he likes me for a while now which explains a lot? she's never questioned it when she walks in and sees us cuddling. this weekend, she saw us on the couch waking up from a nap and his arms were around me and she just came over and like booped my nose. his whole family loves me, i'm not really worried about them approving of me or w/e. they love having me around. his mom thinks i'm a good influence.

[grayflower]

someone said to me and c, "i love how sweet you two are to each other. it's adorable."
c said, "i can't bring myself to be mean to him."
i said, "i'm sweet to everyone, but this one's my favorite."

[grayflower]

i thanked him for taking me to the counselor, sitting with me, holding my hand while i cried. thanked him for walking me back to my class, and for wiping my face dry in the bathroom.
"of course, you're my boyfriend. i mean, it's not just because you're my boyfriend. it's because i genuinely love you."

[grayflower]

i might not be able to live with my dad anymore. he might not want me. but it's okay. c will take me for a while, and we'll figure out something permanent.
his mom doesn't want another kid, and it would be weird for her to adopt me anyway ("step-brothers dating- no thanks") but if they can help me while i think about what to do then i'll be grateful.

[grayflower]

NEW ANGEL CHARACTER ???

Asariel Hakimi - goes by Ash to sound more human ?
16 , he/him
uhhh soft boy? outgoing but nervous, extroverted but timid