bleak december & writing storage.

[sunrise skater kid.]

give me give me give me that angst now

[shizuknya]

[align=center][div style="background=transparent; bordercolor=transparent; text-align: center; font-size: 8.5pt; text-align: justify; color: black; width: 455px; font-family: arial; line-height: 100%"]welcome to this which will probs not be posted in a lot cuz i'm used to using google docs to write.

uhhh lots of angst beware.

[shizuknya]

[align=center]
[div style="background=transparent; bordercolor=transparent; text-align: center; font-size: 8.5pt; text-align: justify; color: black; width: 455px; font-family: arial; line-height: 100%"]word count && 2,466 words
trigger warnings && hella depressing, cancer, dying, drunk driving, suicide(technically)
other && i suggest listening to this playlist made specifically for this

---

god, did it hurt waking up every morning. it hurt knowing that he would never get to hear that laugh or see that smile of his that he had fallen in love with. he will never forget the way the sickly boy would brighten up when he'd walk into the room and the way his eyes lit up. or how after a few months of visiting him each and everyday, his father pulled jem to the side and hugged him and thanked him for making his son so happy while crying. all these memories jem had with krys, he will never forget them. they will always remain clear as day in his mind. there is never a day jem doesn't think about krys. he can't get him out of his head, ever.

jem knew what was going to happen. he knew krys wouldn't live long and yet he tried so damn hard to believe he'd pull through for at least a year longer. having false hope will always be his weakness. he's not sure if he should thank the world for letting him have the chance to love krys or if he should curse it for putting him through pain of losing him. ever since krys' death he just can't stop asking himself this question. it's been four days since krys' death and it was the day of the funeral.

the fact that this isn't some nightmare -- no matter how hard jem pinches himself, he can't wake up -- makes the whole thing worse. he doesn't want to go to the funeral and know that the last time he'd see krys would be him laying in that casket, skin paler than he's ever seen it and cold to the touch. jem can barely keep it together just thinking about it, lord knows what'll happen when he sees his body for real. when it reminds of the worst day of his life.

after returning krys to the hospital from the ice rink, jem had placed the sleeping boy in the hospital bed and pressed a small kiss to his forehead before leaving to see his younger sister in her room. he remembers falling asleep in the chair beside andi's bed and then waking up to hearing nurses and doctors hurrying pass the hall. he remembers feeling his heart just drop and could barely stand up, almost falling over. when he regained his balance he had ran down after them and when he came to krys' room, he was frozen in his spot watching as staff tried their best to revive him. his eyes shot around to everything that was happening; to the heart monitor that had flatlined, to the doctors trying to do what they could to resuscitate the already-dead boy. but nothing worked. it wasn't before they gave up and called the time of death. it wasn't until he heard the heart wrenching sob come from krys' father did jem suddenly fully realize what had happened. jem collapsed to his knees and his lips quivered and his eyes water and he tried to hold in the sob but he couldn't. the tears poured out of his eyes like waterfalls, he cried out and screamed till his chest hurt and his throat was hoarse. nobody disturbed the grieving father nor the hysterical boy who both lay on the floor.

jem remembers how he managed to stand up, albeit wobbly and unstable, and stumbled his way to krys' bedside. he had fallen to his knees and grabbed hold of one of krys' hands and silently pleaded, begging, him to wake up. he would shake him slightly until it he shook the body harder when krys wouldn't awaken. "krys, please don't be gone. please, please. not now, please god, not now i can't- i can't lose you. krys! wake up!" he cried out not even glancing to the man that held his head in his hands. after what felt like five minutes of just begging the other to wake up, his pleas grew softer and softer until he laid his head down on krys' cold hand and his body was once again racked with sobs -- this time they were quieter since he had not the strength to scream anymore. his throat burned and everything hurt. "krys... don't go.."

that was the day jem lost a part of himself, a part that gave him reason to be so happy. a part that made him feel not so lonely. he lost krys and, most of all, he lost the most beautiful soul he has and ever will love. and now he had to go through the second worst day of his life. he had been asked to speak at krys' funeral and he wasn't sure how he'd be able to get any words out. jem stared into the mirror at his reflection. in his reflection he saw a tired, red and puffy eyed boy who looked like he just went through hell -- actually, this whole thing was worse than hell. clad in a black suit and tie, he grabbed the paper he had wrote the eulogy on and grabbed the keys to his car. the entire car ride was silent as he didn't think today wasn't a good day to listen to music. no day was. it wasn't right that he passes by people who look so happy and are smiling and with the person they love. he shouldn't be so angry but he could feel anger and jealously burning within his chest. all he wants is to be happy like them, to be able to have krys by his side and healthy and they could grow old. to be able to have a chance to be able to truly love krys.

but that would be selfish of him wouldn't it? he's selfish for thinking such things. the world is cruel and unjust, destroying the lives of good people and taking them too soon while the evil get to go about their daily lives. jem pulled the side of the road as he could already feel hot, angry tears in his eyes. he parked the car, rested his head on the steering wheel, and cried it all out. he cried till he was numb again(well, for the time being anyway). he pulled back on the road and wiped at his eyes and headed to where the funeral was being held. when he arrived the first thing krys' father did when he saw jem was hug him.

jem hated it here. he hated being there, listening to some pastor tell about how krys went too soon and how he was an amazing young man. jem didn't need someone to tell him that because he already knew that. if he had to be honest, amazing was an understatement when it came to describing the deceased male. he looked around at the few people that attended and once again he felt anger. did half of these people really know krys like he did? did they ever visit him every single day, did they love him like he did? did they know what his favorite movie was? jem was zoned out for what felt like ever until he heard his name: "and now krys' lover, jem shaw, would like to come up and speak a few words." lover. heh. he only wishes. jem stood up and made his way to the opened casket and, before he went up to the podium, he pulled out a beanie and gently placed it on krys' shaven head. tears rolled down his cheeks and he smiled softly before kissing the top of his head and whispered, "i bought this for you but forgot to give you it. i can finally give it to you.."

jem went to stand behind the podium and placed the paper on the stand. he stared at it for a few moments and then balled it up and shoved it in his pockets. he cleared his throat and took a deep breath before he began to speak, his voice his recovering from the day of krys' passing.

"i believe heaven made krys for a reason. i'm not very religious, but people like krys aren't just born. his soul, his entire being, was delicately handcrafted by heaven itself and they took their time with him. there will never be anyone like krystal. there will never be a smile or laugh quite like his. like everyone here, i will miss that smile and laugh so much and the gleam in his eyes when he'd get happy." jem's voice broke a bit and he wiped at his eyes as he tried to keep it together. but everyone, even himself, could tell that the poor boy was so close to breaking down. krys' father got up and moved to stand beside him placing a hand on jem's shoulder. "i-i remember the first day i met krys. i was on my way to visit andi, my sister, who was also diagnosed with cancer. i accidentally walked into the wrong room and there he was, sat in bed with his laptop. i don't know what it was but i feel like it wasn't an accident that i walked in; as if i was meant to meet him. we were both shy and awkward, obviously. but.. we knew just from the one conversation we had that we hit it off. i kept visiting him until it was a daily thing to see both him and my sister. we'd watch movies-"

jem choked up and started crying and had to take a breather. "we'd.. watch tangled, his favorite movies, and play cards or we'd even just sit and talk and laugh." and here comes the answer to the question he had been contemplating for days leading up to this: "i always wondered if the world was playing a cruel trick on me for making me fall for someone such as krys and then taking him from me, or if i'm thankful that i got the chance to know him.. and honestly," he chuckled, "i'm pretty damn grateful to have gotten to meet him. i'm grateful for getting to fall in love with him and get so close, even if getting close meant that it'd hurt worse in the end. excuse my language but, fuck.. it hurts so fucking much waking up knowing that if i walk into that room i won't see him there. i'll see an empty bed that used to be his. it hurts so much knowing i'll never be able to watch certain movies the same without breaking down, or that i'll never hear him. but boy am i still thankful to have loved krystal alexander the way i did."

jem was sobbing now and he had his arms around himself in a self-hug and he looked like a wreck. but did he care? not at all. because he wasn't the only one crying; everyone was. when he was finally pulled himself together enough to speak he spoke again, "you know the worst part of it all? that i never got to tell him i loved him. i never got to tell him how much his presence meant to me and how much of an impact he had on my life."

the broken, crying boy glanced down at krys who looked peaceful. how his eyelashes rested on his cheeks and his small, soft hands rested on his stomach. and yet even after his death, he looked as beautiful as ever. maybe krys wasn't completely human. what if he was actually an angel sent down from heaven to bless the earth and the people on it. when krys was taken from him, he was just returning home because he was needed. "four days ago, an angel returned to his home in heaven. krys was sent down here for a reason; to teach us a lesson. to teach us that you have to be the best that you can be. even when he wasn't the best physically, he always managed to smile and brighten the room."

he looked up to the sky with tears falling down his streaks and a small, shaky smile appeared on his lips and closed his eyes for a moment. "thank you, krys, for being an important role in my life. we will see each other again, soon. i love you so much and always will.." and before jem knew it, the floodgates opened up and he was led off the podium to some place a bit farther from where the funeral was taking place. he slumped down against a tree and hid his face in his knees, and he cried. he cried for krys, he cried for death to just come and take him already. he doesn't -- can't.. he can't live in a world without krys.

---

"jem.. jem.. come on, buddy."

jem's eyes fluttered open and it took his eyes a moment to adjust to the bright light. a figure stood over him and he could tell they were smiling warmly, yet sadly, at him. when his vision finally focused he saw who it was above him. he immediately scrambled up to his feet to and came face to face with a certain, familiar boy. he smiled and pulled him into a tight hug, crying and telling him how much he loved him and missed him. krys pulled back and cupped his face, still wearing that sad smile on his face. "oh, jemmie.." confusion was clear in jem's eyes and as soon as krys noticed it, he took jem's hand. "wha-"

jem couldn't finish his question before he noticed his surrounding were different. it took him a moment but he recognized where they were. he looked at krys with his head tilted about to ask why they were there when suddenly he heard frantic talking and panicked orders from a room. he hesitantly headed toward the noise and what he saw made him freeze. there, surrounded by doctors and nurses, in a bloody mess, was him. it all suddenly came to him and he started shaking. he had gotten drunk after krys' funeral. he wasn't sure what made him do it.. he was never the type to drink when he was sad. an image of him running off the side of the road and flying out the window flashed in his mind. he felt a hand on his shoulder and he turned to look at krys. "i-i'm d-dead?"

not that he was really, entirely upset.. actually, he wasn't sad at all. he heard them call time of death, lifted his hands to krys' face and leaned up to kiss him softly, passionately, and for a long time. and then the duo faded into thin air, and their soft laughter followed after them. the two souls finally at peace.

[twistiethebear]

hi