BUT IT'S JUST NOT AS KIND ON THE EYES - character things

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VICTORIA ELEANOR LIVINGSTON
journal entry no. 1


they told me i needed to start making a food diary and should journal... i guess this is my start.

they also told me i probably need someone that will kind of monitor my eating habits. i'm not exactly sure what i'm gonna do about that. i can't ask francesca because she travels so much for work, i can't do that to her. and i can't ask jude because he's already done so much for me and he doesn't deserve to have that thrown on him..

anyway, i guess i was in there for two months; not as long as before, but it felt way longer. i had my 18th birthday in there; it was nice, not anything like my usual wild parties, but i got to see cesca and jude for about an hour. i'm feeling better, well at least i think i am. i don't feel as weak and i've gained some weight back.. i still can't eat all too much, it makes me sick. i still kinda hate myself.. maybe for a different reason, though. i hate that i disrupted so many lives and didn't, or couldn't, give them an explanation. i had no time after waking up in the hospital to tell anyone and didn't even get to say bye to francesca. i'm so sure so many people now hate me.. two months gone from daily vlogging without a word and none of my even super close friends had a clue what was going on with me, i hadn't told anyone that lupe had even died.

now i had to tell the world what had happened, questions already flying at me, but i couldn't. i couldn't explain the whole story, not with how big my parents are. i wouldn't put it past my dad to send his lawyers after me for slander if i said anything bad about him and he would say "it's just business, princess.". then there was my mom, a high fashion model who i've never heard compliment me more than when i was starving myself. the fans who cared so much about me deserved the whole story, not an edited version, but i just can't see a way to tell it; not to mention, telling jude, someone who knew all of the previous stuff, was one of the hardest things i've had to do. i could always never address it.. just continue on like nothing had happened, especially since there would always be the people who will never believe me, no matter what i say.

jude said i only had to explain when i was ready, but i doubt i'll ever be.

i'm not sure how to end these, or really start them for that matter, and i don't know if i'll continue this either, but i've written all i really have to say right now.

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[phantomatics]

i love

[finny.]

i love

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