06-02-2020, 04:15 PM
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— jerome felt empty. with that emptiness, parts of him felt simply broken, as if he was unable to genuinely connect to those parts of himself anymore. the worst part of it all was that he couldn’t put to words exactly why he felt that way. from the outside-in, it looked as if jerome had everything he could possibly need. he had his best friend who had been with him through it all in those last couple of years; he had a place to call home, full of all the basic necessities and then some. he ought to love this life he had; he was grateful. however, there was a part of him that felt like he wasn’t even part of his own life. he didn’t feel in control; he felt as if he was on the sidelines, watching his life go by.
he was empty, and so achingly exhausted. crushed by the weight of recent arguments, destructive and harmful words. held down by the very person who was supposed to lift him up. he felt painfully alone at times, even when eben was in the same room. eyes cautiously followed his friend, watching his reaction to the request. a horrible feeling pitted in his chest, rising in his throat. this wasn’t what he had wanted; it was too late to take it all back now.
“why? you have everything you could ever want right here.” he shouldn’t have expected eben to be supportive of this. he blinked and followed eben’s gesture of the room, gaze sweeping around the kitchen. the man felt reluctant to turn his gaze back onto eben. he felt utterly pathetic as eben dug into him the way he did, features twitching briefly in discomfort. ”it’s stupid, j. completely, utterly pointless but-“ he watched the man’s features turn ugly with distaste and loathing. the kind of look that could make anyone feel sick to their stomach to be on the receiving end of it.
usually that sick feeling would extinguish any fire he had within him. after so long of this torment, the fire in him often got put out, leaving him hopelessly cold and empty by the end of it. he never wanted to fight for his cause. the idea of troubling eben any more than he already had often riddled him with too much guilt to continue to try and speak his mind on the matter. he always considered his opinion to be lesser than eben’s, holding the other man’s judgment above his own. only recently did he start to think that his own beliefs held just as much merit to them, if not more so.
too many times did eben get to walk all over him, and jerome allowed it with a submissive demeanor, apologetic for whatever he had done to make eben feel that way. even if he didn’t particularly agree with the man, he only did it to make eben happy. why, now, was he starting to realize that eben didn’t ever try and return the same favor to him? why did jerome always have to get put down while eben stood above him, victorious? he didn’t even get eben’s support to try and pursue his own happiness. this argument felt different from the rest; the last straw that warranted such unfound anger. the sick feeling only ignited his frustration, an almost-foreign anger bubbling uncomfortably inside him, making his skin feel uncomfortably hot.
this argument wasn’t about ellie anymore.
he placed his hands down on the table, pushing himself up to his feet. “that’s enough!” he cut eben off abruptly, staring him down from across the kitchen. for a moment he could only stand there, huffing a few breaths through his nose. he felt wildly out of control, unable to contain his own emotions if he even wanted to. later on he’d probably feel sick for treating eben in such a way; in that moment, it felt painfully liberating.
he held a finger up to eben, features twisting. “you have no right, eben- no right to talk to me like that.” stepping out from his place behind the table as he talked, he dared to face eben with nothing between them. for always being told he was a coward, he felt incredibly brave in that moment. brows furrowed defiantly. he took a few brisk steps closer. “i have had it with you thinking you can always walk right over me! you think all i do is take? you’re wrong. you know what? you don’t know me at all if that’s all that you think of me.” a man who takes, not giving a shit about what it takes for somebody to give them their world? he stared into eben’s eyes and he felt that same sickness, wanting to regret the words that were coming out of his mouth, the more hurtful words that were sure to follow. he swallowed down the sickly feeling, saying tightly, “but i know you.”
he stalked closer to eben, a bit less than an arm’s length away. the closest he could get in this surge of defiance. he shifted his weight, voice accusatory. “you are a sick person, eben. a sick, twisted, hollow excuse for a human being!" his features twisted then, looking as if he could cry, as if he could continue on about even for even longer. his gaze was loathing as he added, "and an even worse friend.” his jaw clenched, gritting his teeth momentarily. his heart raced away in his chest, his heartbeat audible in his own ears. some of the words didn’t sit quite right with himself, his tongue feeling bitter with venom- but it was too late to stop now, wasn’t it?
“you can’t stand the idea of not being in control of everything around you, huh?” his jaw clenched. he stepped forward. “you like getting to just- push me around.” with the words, he put his hands to eben’s chest and roughly shoved eben back. “i’m not going to stand for it anymore! i’m tired of it! i’m tired of you.” his words dripped with venom.
“every moment i’m with you, you’re just pushing me around.” he put his hands on eben again, roughly shoving the man again as he spoke. he kept putting his hands to eben, pressing him further and further back. ”and pushing, and pushing, and-” no words could sum up his anger, not in this blind rage. he couldn’t get all of his words out in the way he wanted to, feeling rendered less eloquent than before in this fit of anger. though where words couldn’t possibly reach, he dared to take one hand, raise it, and--
he struck his hand against the side of eben’s face, hands lowering to his sides as he spat, ”i hate you!” he would later come to regret the words he said, contemplating if he even meant them at all. many things could come out in the spur of the moment, especially when a man so powerless suddenly found himself with the upper hand. later, he would regret everything he did that morning. in the moment, though, it felt so good to give eben a taste of his own medicine.
— jerome felt empty. with that emptiness, parts of him felt simply broken, as if he was unable to genuinely connect to those parts of himself anymore. the worst part of it all was that he couldn’t put to words exactly why he felt that way. from the outside-in, it looked as if jerome had everything he could possibly need. he had his best friend who had been with him through it all in those last couple of years; he had a place to call home, full of all the basic necessities and then some. he ought to love this life he had; he was grateful. however, there was a part of him that felt like he wasn’t even part of his own life. he didn’t feel in control; he felt as if he was on the sidelines, watching his life go by.
he was empty, and so achingly exhausted. crushed by the weight of recent arguments, destructive and harmful words. held down by the very person who was supposed to lift him up. he felt painfully alone at times, even when eben was in the same room. eyes cautiously followed his friend, watching his reaction to the request. a horrible feeling pitted in his chest, rising in his throat. this wasn’t what he had wanted; it was too late to take it all back now.
“why? you have everything you could ever want right here.” he shouldn’t have expected eben to be supportive of this. he blinked and followed eben’s gesture of the room, gaze sweeping around the kitchen. the man felt reluctant to turn his gaze back onto eben. he felt utterly pathetic as eben dug into him the way he did, features twitching briefly in discomfort. ”it’s stupid, j. completely, utterly pointless but-“ he watched the man’s features turn ugly with distaste and loathing. the kind of look that could make anyone feel sick to their stomach to be on the receiving end of it.
usually that sick feeling would extinguish any fire he had within him. after so long of this torment, the fire in him often got put out, leaving him hopelessly cold and empty by the end of it. he never wanted to fight for his cause. the idea of troubling eben any more than he already had often riddled him with too much guilt to continue to try and speak his mind on the matter. he always considered his opinion to be lesser than eben’s, holding the other man’s judgment above his own. only recently did he start to think that his own beliefs held just as much merit to them, if not more so.
too many times did eben get to walk all over him, and jerome allowed it with a submissive demeanor, apologetic for whatever he had done to make eben feel that way. even if he didn’t particularly agree with the man, he only did it to make eben happy. why, now, was he starting to realize that eben didn’t ever try and return the same favor to him? why did jerome always have to get put down while eben stood above him, victorious? he didn’t even get eben’s support to try and pursue his own happiness. this argument felt different from the rest; the last straw that warranted such unfound anger. the sick feeling only ignited his frustration, an almost-foreign anger bubbling uncomfortably inside him, making his skin feel uncomfortably hot.
this argument wasn’t about ellie anymore.
he placed his hands down on the table, pushing himself up to his feet. “that’s enough!” he cut eben off abruptly, staring him down from across the kitchen. for a moment he could only stand there, huffing a few breaths through his nose. he felt wildly out of control, unable to contain his own emotions if he even wanted to. later on he’d probably feel sick for treating eben in such a way; in that moment, it felt painfully liberating.
he held a finger up to eben, features twisting. “you have no right, eben- no right to talk to me like that.” stepping out from his place behind the table as he talked, he dared to face eben with nothing between them. for always being told he was a coward, he felt incredibly brave in that moment. brows furrowed defiantly. he took a few brisk steps closer. “i have had it with you thinking you can always walk right over me! you think all i do is take? you’re wrong. you know what? you don’t know me at all if that’s all that you think of me.” a man who takes, not giving a shit about what it takes for somebody to give them their world? he stared into eben’s eyes and he felt that same sickness, wanting to regret the words that were coming out of his mouth, the more hurtful words that were sure to follow. he swallowed down the sickly feeling, saying tightly, “but i know you.”
he stalked closer to eben, a bit less than an arm’s length away. the closest he could get in this surge of defiance. he shifted his weight, voice accusatory. “you are a sick person, eben. a sick, twisted, hollow excuse for a human being!" his features twisted then, looking as if he could cry, as if he could continue on about even for even longer. his gaze was loathing as he added, "and an even worse friend.” his jaw clenched, gritting his teeth momentarily. his heart raced away in his chest, his heartbeat audible in his own ears. some of the words didn’t sit quite right with himself, his tongue feeling bitter with venom- but it was too late to stop now, wasn’t it?
“you can’t stand the idea of not being in control of everything around you, huh?” his jaw clenched. he stepped forward. “you like getting to just- push me around.” with the words, he put his hands to eben’s chest and roughly shoved eben back. “i’m not going to stand for it anymore! i’m tired of it! i’m tired of you.” his words dripped with venom.
“every moment i’m with you, you’re just pushing me around.” he put his hands on eben again, roughly shoving the man again as he spoke. he kept putting his hands to eben, pressing him further and further back. ”and pushing, and pushing, and-” no words could sum up his anger, not in this blind rage. he couldn’t get all of his words out in the way he wanted to, feeling rendered less eloquent than before in this fit of anger. though where words couldn’t possibly reach, he dared to take one hand, raise it, and--
he struck his hand against the side of eben’s face, hands lowering to his sides as he spat, ”i hate you!” he would later come to regret the words he said, contemplating if he even meant them at all. many things could come out in the spur of the moment, especially when a man so powerless suddenly found himself with the upper hand. later, he would regret everything he did that morning. in the moment, though, it felt so good to give eben a taste of his own medicine.
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HOW COULD I KNOW WHAT YOU DON'T SHOW?
[abbr=31 years old, male, bluestem prairie]—[/abbr] surely you've had enough of always thinking you're right. . .
[abbr=31 years old, male, bluestem prairie]—[/abbr] surely you've had enough of always thinking you're right. . .