[align=center][div style="background=transparent; borderwidth=0px; bordercolor=; width: 390px; line-height:105%; text-align: justify"][size=9pt]by the next day i've been reborn —
word count: 1003
tw: swearing, mentions of depression, anxiety, blood
a/n: i started writing this after seeing this on tumblr - "you know what trope pisses me off the most? when the protag is pointing a gun at somebody and they're like you wont do it. youre too good. and the person holding the gun is like oh shit i am and they slowly lower the gun while the other person laughs. WHAT THE FUCK. if i were there, and somebody told me you wont do it i would immediately shoot them dead without hesitating. who are you to tell me what i wont do. musty bitch"
i tried changing up my style and it doesnt sound half as good as good as it did in my head but anyway.
i'll kill you! i'll kill you! i was screaming at the top of my lungs. i'll fucking kill you and make sure your body's fed to your aunt's rabid-
a gag in my mouth. hands on my wrists waist shoulders pulling me backward. the man in front of me was looking me dead in the eyes and crying. i think he was meaning to be laughing. the eyebrows were raised the eyes were wild and the smile was more like a grimace than anything. but still, he said:
well, you'd have to wait a bit, honey.
it didn't sound half as good as he thought.
i kicked the man behind me hard enough so that he'd loosen his grip. it only worked for so long but before that i tried to reach for his neck and strangle him and i could see fear flash in his eyes.
then they took me back again and tied me up and pressed a gun to my temple.
make sure she doesn't try again.
i woke up. what a trip.
---
three days is the limit for me, i think. for three days i can think of and stare at my face without recoiling, for three days i can have conversations and feel alright about having them - for three days i can be someone new.
but then i will inevitably fall back again and daydream about terrible terrible things and make stupid stupid stupid decisions.
it was my first time in a club and i hated it there were girls everywhere like surround sound and i was frozen to the spot. i backed up and managed to take a seat and squeeze my eyes shut. i could still hear the sounds but they were from farther away.. not muffled, more like an echo.
hey baby, are you okay?
i opened my eyes and this girl was reaching toward me and cradling my face. i don't know if she was drunk, or what, but she looked so concerned i could cry. i nodded and could feel tears streaming down my face.
oh no..don't!
she gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and i couldn't take it.
---
reet! you're here! my friend mili grinned and waved ecstatically.
hey. i gave them somewhat of a shrug in greeting. i wouldn't have been here at all if it weren't for her wanting to tell me something today, so i sat next to her and smiled.
the other two were talking.
hey, take a look at this. she showed her something on her phone.
oh my god i love it..
yeah? let's fuck.
totally.
mili was insecure and it was irritating because she brought something up every single time. she said that her nose was too small and her eyes were too close together and that her face looked lopsided when you saw the real side not the selfie side but i couldn't notice anything even when she pointed all of it out to me. she was one of the prettiest girls i'd ever seen.
theres this dude who sits next to me in class. total jock. but his smile is so cute but again he's annoying as fuck and..reet, i haven't even liked someone like this before. it's so gross.
so gross.
reet!
i'm kidding. tell me more.
ugh. i don't really want to, it's just...ugh. i think he likes me but im not sure.
i lean back into the booth, suddenly very aware of my back pressing against the seat. i didn't want to have a body. i wanted to grind my foot into a man's chest until it sputtered out its last breath.
but when i tried to think of wringing my own neck i couldn't do it. it was weird.
and then i felt sad. i really used to smile more.
are you listening? she asked.
mhmm.
so what do you think?
i mean, so what if he does? what would he do?
ugh. can we talk about something else?
i rolled my eyes and laughed.
---
i'm standing alone on the sidewalk and it's pouring. i have my old trench on and i don't look good but i feel okay. i start walking instead of going back inside. i'm in the park and roll up my sleeves and stretch my arms out.
i'll get rid of him him tomorrow, i think.
i pull my sleeves back down and stuff my hands in my pockets. i look behind me and to the side and the sky as if i'm in a movie and a camera can catch my somber, beautiful eyes. i look to the ground and stomp in a growing puddle. my pants are ruined and i don't care and it's usually a terrible feeling but i really didn't mind at all.
i'll get rid of him him tomorrow. i relaxed my shoulders. i'll shoot him dead and no one would know. and even if someone found out, i thought, i wouldn't give a single shit. if i had to spend the rest of my life rotting in jail, i would bear it. i would bear it all.
---
you won't do it.
maybe i wouldn't.
i got closer so he could feel my breath.
then i put that gun right between his eyes and pulled the trigger. the blood splattered onto my face and i had to blink it out of my eyes but it was all ok.
i was resolute in my decision but i really did think there would be some kind of aftershock. maybe i wouldn't have done it after all. but i had to, after coming this far. no. i didn't have to. i wanted to. it was just for me! right? right
---
there's no one at the subway. it's just me and i'm not moving and the train isn't coming so everything feels suspended in time.
i crossed the yellow line and dangled my foot into the space between. i could lay on the tracks i thought.
no one would know.
word count: 1003
tw: swearing, mentions of depression, anxiety, blood
a/n: i started writing this after seeing this on tumblr - "you know what trope pisses me off the most? when the protag is pointing a gun at somebody and they're like you wont do it. youre too good. and the person holding the gun is like oh shit i am and they slowly lower the gun while the other person laughs. WHAT THE FUCK. if i were there, and somebody told me you wont do it i would immediately shoot them dead without hesitating. who are you to tell me what i wont do. musty bitch"
i tried changing up my style and it doesnt sound half as good as good as it did in my head but anyway.
i'll kill you! i'll kill you! i was screaming at the top of my lungs. i'll fucking kill you and make sure your body's fed to your aunt's rabid-
a gag in my mouth. hands on my wrists waist shoulders pulling me backward. the man in front of me was looking me dead in the eyes and crying. i think he was meaning to be laughing. the eyebrows were raised the eyes were wild and the smile was more like a grimace than anything. but still, he said:
well, you'd have to wait a bit, honey.
it didn't sound half as good as he thought.
i kicked the man behind me hard enough so that he'd loosen his grip. it only worked for so long but before that i tried to reach for his neck and strangle him and i could see fear flash in his eyes.
then they took me back again and tied me up and pressed a gun to my temple.
make sure she doesn't try again.
i woke up. what a trip.
---
three days is the limit for me, i think. for three days i can think of and stare at my face without recoiling, for three days i can have conversations and feel alright about having them - for three days i can be someone new.
but then i will inevitably fall back again and daydream about terrible terrible things and make stupid stupid stupid decisions.
it was my first time in a club and i hated it there were girls everywhere like surround sound and i was frozen to the spot. i backed up and managed to take a seat and squeeze my eyes shut. i could still hear the sounds but they were from farther away.. not muffled, more like an echo.
hey baby, are you okay?
i opened my eyes and this girl was reaching toward me and cradling my face. i don't know if she was drunk, or what, but she looked so concerned i could cry. i nodded and could feel tears streaming down my face.
oh no..don't!
she gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and i couldn't take it.
---
reet! you're here! my friend mili grinned and waved ecstatically.
hey. i gave them somewhat of a shrug in greeting. i wouldn't have been here at all if it weren't for her wanting to tell me something today, so i sat next to her and smiled.
the other two were talking.
hey, take a look at this. she showed her something on her phone.
oh my god i love it..
yeah? let's fuck.
totally.
mili was insecure and it was irritating because she brought something up every single time. she said that her nose was too small and her eyes were too close together and that her face looked lopsided when you saw the real side not the selfie side but i couldn't notice anything even when she pointed all of it out to me. she was one of the prettiest girls i'd ever seen.
theres this dude who sits next to me in class. total jock. but his smile is so cute but again he's annoying as fuck and..reet, i haven't even liked someone like this before. it's so gross.
so gross.
reet!
i'm kidding. tell me more.
ugh. i don't really want to, it's just...ugh. i think he likes me but im not sure.
i lean back into the booth, suddenly very aware of my back pressing against the seat. i didn't want to have a body. i wanted to grind my foot into a man's chest until it sputtered out its last breath.
but when i tried to think of wringing my own neck i couldn't do it. it was weird.
and then i felt sad. i really used to smile more.
are you listening? she asked.
mhmm.
so what do you think?
i mean, so what if he does? what would he do?
ugh. can we talk about something else?
i rolled my eyes and laughed.
---
i'm standing alone on the sidewalk and it's pouring. i have my old trench on and i don't look good but i feel okay. i start walking instead of going back inside. i'm in the park and roll up my sleeves and stretch my arms out.
i'll get rid of him him tomorrow, i think.
i pull my sleeves back down and stuff my hands in my pockets. i look behind me and to the side and the sky as if i'm in a movie and a camera can catch my somber, beautiful eyes. i look to the ground and stomp in a growing puddle. my pants are ruined and i don't care and it's usually a terrible feeling but i really didn't mind at all.
i'll get rid of him him tomorrow. i relaxed my shoulders. i'll shoot him dead and no one would know. and even if someone found out, i thought, i wouldn't give a single shit. if i had to spend the rest of my life rotting in jail, i would bear it. i would bear it all.
---
you won't do it.
maybe i wouldn't.
i got closer so he could feel my breath.
then i put that gun right between his eyes and pulled the trigger. the blood splattered onto my face and i had to blink it out of my eyes but it was all ok.
i was resolute in my decision but i really did think there would be some kind of aftershock. maybe i wouldn't have done it after all. but i had to, after coming this far. no. i didn't have to. i wanted to. it was just for me! right? right
---
there's no one at the subway. it's just me and i'm not moving and the train isn't coming so everything feels suspended in time.
i crossed the yellow line and dangled my foot into the space between. i could lay on the tracks i thought.
no one would know.
[align=center]★ [ SHE'S NEON, SHINE YOUR LIGHT! ] ★
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