02-10-2019, 07:48 PM
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The Observers' Guide To Heartbreak // Journal Entry #1
 I thought that perhaps it would be a good idea to start jotting down my thoughts. Isn't that supposed to help make me feel better about things? Oh, I don't know. But I'll try this anyway and see how it goes. Worst case, somebody will find this and laugh, and I don't really care for that all too much so lets give this a go.
It's been around a month and a half since I joined the Lodge. So far, the company has been really nice. Hayley is good at her job, and Hope is the cutest little baby ever. I've made some really good friends, too, and in a way we all are beginning to resemble a very mismatched and dysfunctional family. But, still a family nonetheless. Lucio is really sweet, I'd say. He called me an angel when I first found him freezing on the mountain, and I can't stop thinking about it. I sometimes don't really understand what he's saying, especially when he speaks in that other language (Is it Spanish? Brazilian isn't a language, is it?) but it doesn't matter because he's got a pretty face and a really sweet personality. I think we'll be able to get along nicely.
If I had to choose a best female friend, I'd have to choose Hayley. No, it isn't because she's one of the only other women at the Lodge that I know so far, but it's because she's been so overwhelmingly kind to me and... It's a nice feeling when someone is kind towards you. She's a really good person, and the perfect leader - even though she's younger than me, I would go as far as say I look up to her. She's such an empowering woman.
Jay is funny. I think I'm growing quite fond of him. Plus, I will forever be convinced that he's like a diamond in the rough; a sweetheart beneath that tough exterior. After all, he's been very kind towards me and I actually really enjoy talking to him. We both have the same passion for horsemanship which is great too, especially since I don't actually know anyone else at the Lodge who feels the same way - I think some day I'll ask if he can teach me a thing or two about horses. That way I'll get to talk to him more.
Last night, Jackson proposed to Hayley. I wasn't there when it happened, but people told me that it was such a beautiful moment and that I probably would've cried with joy. People are beginning to know me too well... But, despite the overwhelming happiness that I felt hearing about the engagement, I couldn't help but feel an all too familiar pang in my chest. My heart breaking all over again. I still miss him every day. I miss everything we had and everything we lost. For two people who were close to making a vow to love one another until the day they died, we are eerily absent from each other's life. I don't think he loves me anymore, but I still love him. I'm always going to love him, though. That's a given.
I don't want a fairytale, Mick; I just want you. You have a place in my heart that no one else could ever have, and now that piece feels like the void that can never be filled again. I feel empty. I'm lost.
Oh, God I'm crying now like the idiot I am, this is getting ridiculous.
...
Okay, so I stopped writing for a moment so I could blow my nose. I'm back now. I've stopped crying. Lets try this again.
All that I wanted to say was that lifetimes ago, it was you. It's still you. It will always be you who my heart lives for. Even when I was upset at you when we broke up, I can never resent you for being honest with me. You can't change who you are. All you can do is accept who you are, like I'm trying to do. If anything, that's all I want you to know. I don't hate you. I still feel the same about you - if you told me to marry you today, I'd still say yes... I just hoped that you could've felt the same way about me. And so, I promise I'm trying my best to stop missing you. To stop needing you. I'm trying to move on from you.
But despite everything, in the silences I still think of you.
The Observers' Guide To Heartbreak // Journal Entry #1
 I thought that perhaps it would be a good idea to start jotting down my thoughts. Isn't that supposed to help make me feel better about things? Oh, I don't know. But I'll try this anyway and see how it goes. Worst case, somebody will find this and laugh, and I don't really care for that all too much so lets give this a go.
It's been around a month and a half since I joined the Lodge. So far, the company has been really nice. Hayley is good at her job, and Hope is the cutest little baby ever. I've made some really good friends, too, and in a way we all are beginning to resemble a very mismatched and dysfunctional family. But, still a family nonetheless. Lucio is really sweet, I'd say. He called me an angel when I first found him freezing on the mountain, and I can't stop thinking about it. I sometimes don't really understand what he's saying, especially when he speaks in that other language (Is it Spanish? Brazilian isn't a language, is it?) but it doesn't matter because he's got a pretty face and a really sweet personality. I think we'll be able to get along nicely.
If I had to choose a best female friend, I'd have to choose Hayley. No, it isn't because she's one of the only other women at the Lodge that I know so far, but it's because she's been so overwhelmingly kind to me and... It's a nice feeling when someone is kind towards you. She's a really good person, and the perfect leader - even though she's younger than me, I would go as far as say I look up to her. She's such an empowering woman.
Jay is funny. I think I'm growing quite fond of him. Plus, I will forever be convinced that he's like a diamond in the rough; a sweetheart beneath that tough exterior. After all, he's been very kind towards me and I actually really enjoy talking to him. We both have the same passion for horsemanship which is great too, especially since I don't actually know anyone else at the Lodge who feels the same way - I think some day I'll ask if he can teach me a thing or two about horses. That way I'll get to talk to him more.
Last night, Jackson proposed to Hayley. I wasn't there when it happened, but people told me that it was such a beautiful moment and that I probably would've cried with joy. People are beginning to know me too well... But, despite the overwhelming happiness that I felt hearing about the engagement, I couldn't help but feel an all too familiar pang in my chest. My heart breaking all over again. I still miss him every day. I miss everything we had and everything we lost. For two people who were close to making a vow to love one another until the day they died, we are eerily absent from each other's life. I don't think he loves me anymore, but I still love him. I'm always going to love him, though. That's a given.
I don't want a fairytale, Mick; I just want you. You have a place in my heart that no one else could ever have, and now that piece feels like the void that can never be filled again. I feel empty. I'm lost.
Oh, God I'm crying now like the idiot I am, this is getting ridiculous.
...
Okay, so I stopped writing for a moment so I could blow my nose. I'm back now. I've stopped crying. Lets try this again.
All that I wanted to say was that lifetimes ago, it was you. It's still you. It will always be you who my heart lives for. Even when I was upset at you when we broke up, I can never resent you for being honest with me. You can't change who you are. All you can do is accept who you are, like I'm trying to do. If anything, that's all I want you to know. I don't hate you. I still feel the same about you - if you told me to marry you today, I'd still say yes... I just hoped that you could've felt the same way about me. And so, I promise I'm trying my best to stop missing you. To stop needing you. I'm trying to move on from you.
But despite everything, in the silences I still think of you.
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I'M BURNING BRIDGES, I DESTROY THE MIRAGE
[div style="width: 400px; font-family: georgia; text-align: center; font-size: 5pt; line-height: 1; letter-spacing: 2.6px; word-spacing: 1.9px; margin-bottom: 5px;"]ALL VISIONS OF COLLISIONS, FUCKING BON VOYAGE — truce.#1303
《 WRITING &. PINTEREST &. SPOTIFY 》
[div style="width: 400px; font-family: georgia; text-align: center; font-size: 5pt; line-height: 1; letter-spacing: 2.6px; word-spacing: 1.9px; margin-bottom: 5px;"]ALL VISIONS OF COLLISIONS, FUCKING BON VOYAGE — truce.#1303
《 WRITING &. PINTEREST &. SPOTIFY 》