hi welcome to chilis & trash heap

[shizuknya]

Back. Turns out it only like 2-3 hours. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

All I wanna do is write. Write write write and create and imagine things and just let it out but I can't bc I have no ideas and it's killing me and all I wanna write about is Nate and Casey and Dylan but once again no ideas at all. Imma go jump into the abyss. Mostly nate and Casey. Nate makes me so happy and I love writing his goofy dumbass personality and developinghin slowly but he has like 0 friends he has one and that's his boyfriend. I'm so bad at plots, honestly. I'm awkward and cringy and just,,,,
Why @ me

[shizuknya]

Can my brain not try to kill me and drive everyone away? Thanks.

I should honestly just shut up and take this to a google doc so you guys don't have to deal with this shit anymore

[shizuknya]

[spoiler=last one tonight]I can't fucking take it anymore I can't take crying every single fucking night I can't take the loneliness I feel. I know I have friends. I have people to talk to. But I'm so lonely it hurts it physically hurts. I can't take the self loathing and doubts and bad thoughts and feeling like the only reason people hang with me is because they feel bad for me. I don't want to feel unloved and annoying.

I feel like I'm fucking losing everyone. Slowly but surely. I feel so fucking out of place. This sounds so fucking cringy like some fucking stereotypical sad teen in a movie or cartoon or some shit but I can't,,, there's no other way to describe this.[/spoiler]

[pari.]

hey, shiz, just breathe, okay?

i was in the exact same spot you are in now only a couple weeks ago, so i know what you're going through. so just breathe, okay? take it easy, and let it go. you are loved, you are wanted, and you are needed, okay? feeling alone is a temporary thing, and you can get through it.

i know it's easy to feel insignificant, small, left out, among other adjectives to describe how you feel, but just know that that's not the case, okay? every one of your friends love you, otherwise they wouldn't hang out with you. i know it's hard to believe, but they love you and they care, no matter what you think currently. i know they care, cause i care too, and you know they care, you just can't see it right now, and that's okay. just take a step away and relax.

try not to cling so tight, okay? because that happens, you feel like everything is slipping through your fingers like sand and you're doing everything to keep it all but you don't have to. that's not your job. it's okay to feel alone, and it's okay to feel like you're losing friends, but don't force things to work. just let things fall and pick them back up later. it's okay, i promise. some broken things have to fully break before you can fix it, don't worry about clinging to the parts.

so just relax, okay? people love you and you aren't losing anyone, despite what you think. isolate yourself if you need to, but you always have to come back and face it, okay? and just let things flow as it may, don't push things, don't worry about it too much. easier said than done, but make an effort to not think about it. things won't change unless you strive for it.

and always, i love you, okay? don't forget it, and you can do this. you can make it through this.

[shizuknya]

I'm trying to goddamn hard to believe you. I am. But I can't and it's fucking stupid bc I KNOW better.

My dad saw me upset. He's trying to get me to speak. I can't. I'm scared. I'm scared he'll think I'm overdramatic even tho he wouldn't that's just my brain. He's getting annoyed I think that I won't say anything. He says if I don't say anything he's gonna call my guidance counselor and ask her to speak to me. If I don't speak toher or tell her she's going to refer me to a mental health place whatever the fuck idc what it's called and that scares me. Why can't I fucking tell anybody??

[shizuknya]

Honestly thank god for my brother?? I know he gives me shit but I give him shit and it's just how siblings do. He heard me crying and asked what was wrong and then I just ran to him and he hugged me and was saying reassuring things and rubbing my back and I immediately was so calm?? Like I have stopped crying. I love him so much.

[shizuknya]

Ig all I needed was,,, a hug?? And my brother??

Still have that feeling of 'maybe I'm losing people' but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it will never go away lmao. Where's louis I want louisssss I love himmmm.
I wanna... ask if I can check out after my exams tomorrow. I probably shouldn't I know but I just rlly need to. Maybe my brother can check me out and get me lunch or smth idk idc I just need my brother honestly

[vix]

I feel so bad for not being available, had I known u were having this breakdown I would have tried to said something, anything at all. It probably won’t say shit but it’s sometimes nice to at least have someone that can be reassuring that they’re there for you. I hate not feeling like I’m gonna day the right thing and maybe you don’t even care as much, but I want to reassure you that I’m here for you when you need me and you’re not losing me. Of course, that feeling won’t go away as it’s your anxiety and that’s a bitch. But I know my truth enough to say I’m not going anywhere and I love you and I hope you feel better

[shizuknya]

I'm not rlly good with like words. Like I'm so bad at saying thank you and all that but thank you?? What are words even?? I love you guys sm and I don't want to lose you, you make me so happy and giddy when you talk to me and stuff. I'll never have people like you again in my life.


My brother letting me wear one of his hoodies to school tomorrow<33 honestly it'd take a lot of convincing to get.,, my mom to let me check out but rlly there's nothing to do after the exams?? Like Ik I gotta take the certification thing for programming but I rly rlly rlly don't want to like I could care less about being certified or not but obviously my parents need me to take it or some shit s o
Welp ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[vix]

Of course <3 I know that feeling too well. Sometimes this is just ur only escape from everything?? I know. But I’m glad your brother is actually being kind and everything. I appreciate that there’s someone over there for you. ANd try your best to make it through the week. I know it’s hard, but I believe in you