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i wasn't sure what board to put this in but i guess i'm gonna use this thread as a bit of a journal for when i have something on my mind and want to just vent or write a little bit about it. but yeah.

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3/9 - today was not a good day. finn has been dead for a little over a week and a few hours and it still weighs me down as much as when it first happened. i feel like i should be over it, because everyone else seems to be, but idk i feel like i owe it to him to be sad. idk. its all sorts of messed up. like i know he was just a dog but he was my dog. my best friend. it just hurts because i really just wanted to say goodbye to him ya know? idk. it just sucks when i look at places he should be and he isnt.
him being gone hasn't done any good for the rest of my psyche either. i feel like i'm droning ahead without a single ounce of purpose or motivation. my depression pulls at me every day. school sucks so bad. i hate it. i hate the unnecessary anxiety it causes. i just want to give up all the time. but i know i cant because im not a quitter. but some days like today i really really wish i was. some days its easier to imagine what it would be like if i ceased to exist. not necessarily in a suicidal way, but in a way where im just.. gone ? like no stress, no worries, no burdening myself or others. just being gone. off to who knows where, maybe an eternal sleep ? or just ceasing to exist. idk. it sounds kinda morbid i know but don't worry abut me. i wouldn't act on it. but i mean not to be unnecessarily edgy or some shit but i really gotta stop pushing my nail into my skin when i get overwhelmed. its toxic and self-harmy and it makes me feel weird when i look at the marks on my arm. i don't like it but idk when i get really sad it feels kinda okay. but aNYWAYS. yeah. this week has been a real rough one for me. my depression has been increasingly apparent in everything i do. depression feels like something is constantly squeezing my brain. just putting an uncomfortable amount of pressure on it while letting my sadness do the rest of the work. it sucks and i want to cry always, which i do. but crying in front of people no thank you ha. i'm just so tired. and sad. i just want to stop being me. but i can't. im fucking stuck with me. isn't that awful? i'm literally fucking 17 and i can't remember the last time i was happy. 17 !!! these are supposed to be some of the most fun years of my life and all i do is wallow and hate myself. the world fucking sucks. 17 year olds shouldn't have to hate themselves. 17 year olds are still just kids.

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4/2 - does being sad ever stop ????? i forget happiness and everything i do is shrouded with uncertainty and anxiety and depression and i just hate myself so fucking much. like holy shit. my friends are fake, i dont have anyone in my life besides my family whom i truly care about right now much less care about me. i just spend all of my time sitting in a constant state of wallowing. like holy fuck im so sad !!! im pathetic !!!!!! i literally spend all my time listening to music and then huddle all night in my room crying. i dont enjoy anything that i used to love and i never want to leave my house because that takes so much emotional energy. i make up excuses to not hang out with my friends who tbh are being so unnecessarily rude rn. like holy shit their tweets????? fucking uncalled for. i still get so mad thinking about it and they just laugh it off as if they didnt fucking embarrass and demean me. they acted so fucking smug about it like no you are the ones who look fucking immature and pathetic getting so fucking invested in fake drama that you had to throw an online temper tantrum. it makes me so fucking mad but i cant say anything because in the end i still do care about them bc they are my friends and i legit have no one else in my life who id consider friends like them. but god im so fucking mad and sad and stressed and i just want to cry for 1000000 years because i cannot fucking fathom or shape into words how much i truly fucking hate myself holy shit. and fucking m just acts so superior all the time and is so reckless and its like stop being so fucking stupid for once in your life holy shit !!?!?!(!!:$,);8;!,$!:' but literally i just wish i never fucking existed or i just cease to exist because i hate myself so much and god dying would be so easy right now

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8/3 - mom i know im the least favorite. i can see it all over your face. i was never the girly girl you wanted when you had me. i am sarcastic and standoffish and self depricating and you dont get that which is fine. now you have t who is everything youve wanted in a daughter. and i get that and its fine. i just want you to see me. i wanted to talk to you about cool stuff that happened today and you are just too busy with that credit card discount and t and those stupid fucking bullshit rocks to even ask me how practice was. all i wanted was for you to ask me !!! because i was so exicted that i actually had a good time !!!!! have you forgotten about when i told you i thought i was depressed???? it doesnt just go away if you wait it out. you dont just address it once and then pretend its gonna stop when school stops. it doesnt fucking stop but you dont even ask me. you shove off watching t and t onto me and l but he doesnt even help. and then you say youre gonna pay him for watching them???? when ive been doing it all year and you dont even acknowledge me??? thats the shit that hurts and that shows when im not liked. and then i get negative and talk about how i want to go to college someplace far away thats out of your hair. and you get upset. i dont want to make you upset but i feel like that all i do is bother you. im the least liked one and itd just be best for me to go off to someplace far away that im not bugging you anymore with my negativity. dont you see that me saying those things is another cry for you to help me???? i just want you to help me and notice me and reassure me. i dont say i want to leave to hurt you because i love you so much but thats precisely why i say it. i love you so much that ill go far away so i dont have to fucking bother you anymore. i love you mom but please