cool blue waters ; dump/chat

[toby]

MY BROTHER LAUGHED LIKE THE ARCTIC FOX VIDEO AND I'M GONNA CRY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUFh9MQAb5c
AND IT JUST CAME NATURALLY LIKE HE'S PLAYING GAMES ON THE XBOX ONE AND HE JUST LAUGHED LIKE THAT AND I'M STRUGGLING NOT TO CRY

[toby]

guess who suffered traumatic events today?
me.
j ee ZUMS

[toby]

holy mother of fuck
i love oh wonder
their new album??
weak in the news atm *fans face*

[toby]

what even
THE FUCK

[toby]

theres a big ol groundhog and i hope he likes bologna and eggs

[toby]

no waking me up at nine am when i went to sleep at 5
no i dont care if the chicken sLID UNDER THE FUCKING WALL
i need 12 hours of sleep to even somewhat function

[toby]

i wanna become a falconer so that i can just be sittin somewhere and then BAM FALCON
"caw caw motherfuckers"
or at least more birds. i love birds. all birds. love bird.

[toby]

have i ever mentioned that in a year or two i'll be able to?? go to florida keys for a whole month to study marine life and????
OH MY GOD
thats so exciting and im so young so i'll have so much experience once i finally go to college and everything??
marine life is just so fascinating
life in general is just amazing
what did we do to deserve planet earth

[toby]

[align=center][div style="width: 500px;font-size: 9pt; text-align: justify;"][spoiler=petty rant, pls ignore]i don't mention this often
almost never, really
it's selfish because it just drags attention to me when i don't deserve it

but my parents are dying. they act like they aren't, but they are. i can see it when they smile. my mother's recovering from cancer, she has doctors appointments in a few hours, actually. my dad has mental issues that interfere with the signals sent to his heart. at any moment he could have a heart attack.

i'm not far behind, in a way.

i have bad lung problems. two years ago i caught pneumonia and if we hadn't caught it so early, i wouldn't be here. when i was four, a few days after christmas, i was coughing so much i couldn't breathe. i passed out while my parents rushed me to the hospital. i woke up in the early morning, lightheaded and looking half dead. i never talk about when i'm in pain because my family already has so much to deal with. i don't do any activities because my siblings do so much, there's very little time for me to squeeze in. so i don't.

because my parents aren't doing well and the fact that my brother is a bigoted asshole, it's fallen to me to being a strong person in the family. my younger sisters need someone to look to and i'm not letting them fall victim to my grandmothers. so i act strong. i act positive. i act nice. i'm not, i'm none of those at all. i'm just a big fat liar.

sometimes offhanded comments i only make around friends slip around my mom. she doesn't understand my lack of self-confidence, my lethargy, my inability to simply talk to people over the simplest things. i feel like she wants to understand, but she doesn't, she won't be able to.

more often then i'd like, i realize that i don't really mind the idea of not existing. not suicide, no. not death. just, no longer me. i'm gone. but then i remember i have people to live for. i have a girlfriend who's the light of my life, and sometimes i cry because i'm so damn lucky to have her/them, and i would gladly stand against the world to be with her.

but sometimes the world gets to me. i just want companionship. i want a new dog. i want a new bird. i'll admit i'm a sad and needy person who desires physical attention and companionship. animals have been my escape. but my parakeet died a week after christmas. my dog is too energetic.

i'm sad and tired. i can't sleep enough because sleep won't do anything for me. why do i do it anyway?
why do i complain like this when i know it's selfish?
i'm needy and selfish, i'm inconsiderate because people have it worse than me and i feel like i don't have the right to complain because i live a privileged life. i don't deserve anything i have.

i'm sorry.
[/spoiler]

[toby]

[align=center][div style="width: 500px;font-size: 9pt; text-align: justify;"][font=verdana]

she had to go to the hospital tonight. for up to three nights.

if i sleep enough, maybe it'll all go away.