11-27-2022, 01:23 PM
[align=center][div style="width: 470px; text-align: justify; font-family: new times roman; font-size: 8pt; letter-spacing: 2.5px; word-spacing: 1px; line-height: 14px;"]nostalgia was a filthy little liar. she would persist in convincing a fragile mind that things were better than they seemed. and, more than often, it worked. to leave the branch arms of the conifers behind for the open plains was unlike eben. he rarely enjoyed a change of scenery because change was out of his control. the lack of routine, the emptiness that gnawed at him in every waking moment he felt afraid of being stripped of the home comforts that made him feel safe - change felt a lot like an indefinite grievance to him, one of which was in fact a result of a self-fulfilling prophecy. he sought violence in his desperate plea to avoid the inevitable abandonment once people realised that he was not worth the hassle, and in the end it lead him to this very moment. alone. lost. meaningless.
eben pondered upon dying for his many hours upon horseback, the gentle sway of his mount's steps luring him into the dark corners of his mind. he thought about dying a lot, but never wished to die. being dead would rid eben of his guilt, of this heavy solitude, of fear. he wondered if that was what jerome felt in his last few moments. not wanting the die, but wishing to be rid of fear. perhaps it was nothing more than a fantasy, but eben craved that bittersweet release he imagined death would be like. it would take change to find what he was searching for in himself.
but he somehow still found himself doing nothing at all. the days following jerome's death had been nothing but a void that had consumed eben. not once did either of them leave the house, jerome propped up crookedly on the couch with a blanket over his lap. as if he was asleep. the facade had fooled eben, even for the shortest time, until he had to pass on by and take one mortified glance at the dried blood that had smothered jerome's skull. finger-shaped bruises like a necklace around his butterflied neck. a painting of a panic attack. finally, eben snapped back to reality to witness the homicide propped against bloodied cushions. sudden claustrophobia soon set in and eben felt terrified once again. he needed to escape the pain, all of it.
in the early hours of that morning, still life was the last that eben would see jerome before he walked out the door.
jerome's life began and ended with eben, and the same would be said for eben. without his best friend, eben was alone and loneliness was his biggest killer. the fear of loneliness was what lead eben to kill his only friend, in fact. it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, as were the rest. his parents, jerome, sadie. the loss of the only people that meant a single thing to eben had bled him of all value. without the crutch of another, it only allowed his pessimism to shroud his mind, the sadness that lingered only when he was without a distraction. he had told himself that sadie had only been a distraction but he was almost ashamed to admit that his actual adoration for her was blinding. and when she left him, eben was nothing again.
perhaps it was only fate that lead eben to be alone with his thoughts again. he was a monster, after all. unpredictable and violent to the point where his own detachment from his mind and compulsions scared him to death, it was safer when he was alone. he'd hurt himself, but never as much as he hurt his parents. jerome. sadie. the woman that honestly scared eben more than he scared himself, but the comfort of realising that he was never alone in one's volatility was immeasurable. sadie was a lot like eben and for once in his life he felt normal. she made him feel normal. despite the fist fights and broken furniture, split lips and slurs spat, they would always be bound by their similarities even lifetimes apart.
but the past would always return with a sinister spirit. nostalgia might be a liar, but eben would be twice the fool just to be close to her again.
the tavern was humble to say the least. the swinging sign to brandish the premises with its name had since rusted through, suspended from the awning pitifully. it would see travellers come and go, welcoming them into the warmth of four walls for the night before they would soon be off by the morning. and eben was no different to the rest of them, parched for the taste of a beer before resting his eyes until the morning come. leaving his horse tied up to a post, eben stepped into the busy tavern, amicable country folk mingling with each other as the tinnitus of silence came to an abrupt end with the burst of laughter and chatter. the crowd had a life of its own, and it left no room for eben's presence to be made known. he wouldn't trade this anonymity for anything as he slipped into the crowd, giving passersby a stiff twitch of a smile as he headed towards the bar.
fingers raised casually, eben beckoned the barman over to ask for a drink. one beer on the way, the barman would say before nodding his head towards a woman across the bar. ❝ and another drink for you, miss? ❞ he asked, eben raising his brows before feeling in his pocket for some bones. ❝ drink's on me. ❞ he slid coins the barman's way in an impassive attempt to do something nice for someone for a change. it had been the way he had been wired since childhood. it meant nothing to offer good to another - it had always been his intentions in life - and to lend a helping hand without question was a way of life in the prairie. if only his compulsions didn't take that minuscule amount of good he had left in him. he was unlikely to engage in any conversation with the woman in question because small talk was not in his repertoire. he had only intended to give her smile or some kind of reassurance that he would not pester her with a conversation when he turned his head and exchanged looks with a face he never thought he'd see again.
bewildered and blindsided, eben's breath hitched in the back of his throat as he stared across the bar. within seconds, he could tell on sadie's face that he was far more enraptured than she was to be in each other's presence again. in fact, she looked bristled with resentment, although he'd seen that expression many times before. no comprehensible stream of thought had passed through his brain in the long few seconds he fell for her scornful gaze all over again.
he would then remind himself to speak, furrowing his brows as he took a quick avoidant glance down at the bar before facing her expression once more. ❝ you're still drinking that shit, liefling[sup]1[/sup]? ❞ he chose to question, letting out a tense breath of air before casually gesturing towards the bar. ❝ i didn't buy you a drink because i knew it was you, by the way. i just- agh. just wanted to offer a drink, is all. ❞ the more that he spoke, he more his flustered mind took control of his restrained facade. he couldn't explain the state that he was in except for the fact that he was spiralling towards the sudden desire for his nostalgia to double as a second chance.
and quickly he became addicted to the life that he had shared with sadie again. nostalgia was a liar but, in this moment, she made him very, very relieved.
[sup]1[/sup] liefling = darling
eben pondered upon dying for his many hours upon horseback, the gentle sway of his mount's steps luring him into the dark corners of his mind. he thought about dying a lot, but never wished to die. being dead would rid eben of his guilt, of this heavy solitude, of fear. he wondered if that was what jerome felt in his last few moments. not wanting the die, but wishing to be rid of fear. perhaps it was nothing more than a fantasy, but eben craved that bittersweet release he imagined death would be like. it would take change to find what he was searching for in himself.
but he somehow still found himself doing nothing at all. the days following jerome's death had been nothing but a void that had consumed eben. not once did either of them leave the house, jerome propped up crookedly on the couch with a blanket over his lap. as if he was asleep. the facade had fooled eben, even for the shortest time, until he had to pass on by and take one mortified glance at the dried blood that had smothered jerome's skull. finger-shaped bruises like a necklace around his butterflied neck. a painting of a panic attack. finally, eben snapped back to reality to witness the homicide propped against bloodied cushions. sudden claustrophobia soon set in and eben felt terrified once again. he needed to escape the pain, all of it.
in the early hours of that morning, still life was the last that eben would see jerome before he walked out the door.
jerome's life began and ended with eben, and the same would be said for eben. without his best friend, eben was alone and loneliness was his biggest killer. the fear of loneliness was what lead eben to kill his only friend, in fact. it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, as were the rest. his parents, jerome, sadie. the loss of the only people that meant a single thing to eben had bled him of all value. without the crutch of another, it only allowed his pessimism to shroud his mind, the sadness that lingered only when he was without a distraction. he had told himself that sadie had only been a distraction but he was almost ashamed to admit that his actual adoration for her was blinding. and when she left him, eben was nothing again.
perhaps it was only fate that lead eben to be alone with his thoughts again. he was a monster, after all. unpredictable and violent to the point where his own detachment from his mind and compulsions scared him to death, it was safer when he was alone. he'd hurt himself, but never as much as he hurt his parents. jerome. sadie. the woman that honestly scared eben more than he scared himself, but the comfort of realising that he was never alone in one's volatility was immeasurable. sadie was a lot like eben and for once in his life he felt normal. she made him feel normal. despite the fist fights and broken furniture, split lips and slurs spat, they would always be bound by their similarities even lifetimes apart.
but the past would always return with a sinister spirit. nostalgia might be a liar, but eben would be twice the fool just to be close to her again.
the tavern was humble to say the least. the swinging sign to brandish the premises with its name had since rusted through, suspended from the awning pitifully. it would see travellers come and go, welcoming them into the warmth of four walls for the night before they would soon be off by the morning. and eben was no different to the rest of them, parched for the taste of a beer before resting his eyes until the morning come. leaving his horse tied up to a post, eben stepped into the busy tavern, amicable country folk mingling with each other as the tinnitus of silence came to an abrupt end with the burst of laughter and chatter. the crowd had a life of its own, and it left no room for eben's presence to be made known. he wouldn't trade this anonymity for anything as he slipped into the crowd, giving passersby a stiff twitch of a smile as he headed towards the bar.
fingers raised casually, eben beckoned the barman over to ask for a drink. one beer on the way, the barman would say before nodding his head towards a woman across the bar. ❝ and another drink for you, miss? ❞ he asked, eben raising his brows before feeling in his pocket for some bones. ❝ drink's on me. ❞ he slid coins the barman's way in an impassive attempt to do something nice for someone for a change. it had been the way he had been wired since childhood. it meant nothing to offer good to another - it had always been his intentions in life - and to lend a helping hand without question was a way of life in the prairie. if only his compulsions didn't take that minuscule amount of good he had left in him. he was unlikely to engage in any conversation with the woman in question because small talk was not in his repertoire. he had only intended to give her smile or some kind of reassurance that he would not pester her with a conversation when he turned his head and exchanged looks with a face he never thought he'd see again.
bewildered and blindsided, eben's breath hitched in the back of his throat as he stared across the bar. within seconds, he could tell on sadie's face that he was far more enraptured than she was to be in each other's presence again. in fact, she looked bristled with resentment, although he'd seen that expression many times before. no comprehensible stream of thought had passed through his brain in the long few seconds he fell for her scornful gaze all over again.
he would then remind himself to speak, furrowing his brows as he took a quick avoidant glance down at the bar before facing her expression once more. ❝ you're still drinking that shit, liefling[sup]1[/sup]? ❞ he chose to question, letting out a tense breath of air before casually gesturing towards the bar. ❝ i didn't buy you a drink because i knew it was you, by the way. i just- agh. just wanted to offer a drink, is all. ❞ the more that he spoke, he more his flustered mind took control of his restrained facade. he couldn't explain the state that he was in except for the fact that he was spiralling towards the sudden desire for his nostalgia to double as a second chance.
and quickly he became addicted to the life that he had shared with sadie again. nostalgia was a liar but, in this moment, she made him very, very relieved.
[sup]1[/sup] liefling = darling
[align=center][div style="background=transparent; bordercolor=transparent; width: 410px; text-align: center; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 125%; font-family: Georgia; letter-spacing: 1.4px;"]{ HOW MUCH CAN YOU TAKE BEFORE YOU SNAP ? }