forever is a long time − mollie

[freddie]

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— frederick stirling was a man without shame. seemingly without any sensitive feelings. he went around at parties and worked his way through social crowds as though there wasn’t an anxious bone in his body. it wasn’t uncommon for him to dive into a situation headfirst without much thought, as if he somehow knew how it would end - when he truly knew nothing about the situation at all. if people didn’t like him, he stood unfazed and unbothered. why, apprehension and consternation were simply unheard of to the man. nothing could get beneath his skin in such a way to cause him to worry. at least, that was what he led everyone to believe about him.

because, if that truly was the case, his heart wouldn’t feel as though it had shipwrecked.

it felt as though he had crashed and just barely managed to make it to shore. his stomach was in knots as he walked down a road that was more familiar to him than any other path he’d traveled in the village. eyes wandered up to a familiar chalet, hands wringing together -- to fight off the cold, the blonde stubbornly convinced himself.

as hard as fred worked to make himself out to be this simple, arrogant man he portrayed, he simply wasn’t. frederick stirling was far more complex than he let on. he was not always the fearless, arrogant, and downright cruel bastard that he let himself out to be sometimes. if anything, the fact that he restrained from burning the world around him to the ground when his fingertips constantly ached to cause suffering felt more like he was doing the world a favor. if anything, bottling up who he was, who he was meant to be, was protecting those around him. and protecting himself from letting anyone get close to knowing who he truly was underneath, for if they knew, then no one would stay around for long. only his family would understand him and see him for the man he was.

someone else was close to uncovering it. hell, they probably knew more about him than freddie dared to let on. for not only did she know about the darker side of him, that ached for bloodshed and war, but also those far gentler emotions he worked so hard to lock away. emotions that were unfit for a stirling. emotions that made a man too weak, too soft around the edges. he could try and convince himself that all he hid under his skin was that he was a cruel killer - perhaps that was all that he thought he was and could be. but around mollie hawthorne, perhaps there was a chance that he could be a man with gentle hands uncalloused from war, with soft touches and warm eyes. maybe there was a chance for him.

when it was just him and mollie, his touch was featherlight, lips light as they traced the familiar curves and edges that made up molle hawthorne. her hand felt as though it didn’t belong in his sometimes, as if he didn’t deserve the last piece to the unfinished puzzle that was his heart. it felt hard to tell himself that on valentine’s day last year, he’d been a man desperate to get action, to chase after strictly carnal desires and intimacy with the woman he was now so familiar with. mollie was much more to him than that. his best friend. someone he loved.

someone who knew him more than anyone else, and still stuck around. someone that would dance with him in the bar after closing hours, and make his head spin. someone that made him wonder if, maybe, these feelings weren’t fleeting. one-sided.

though after tonight’s events, frederick wasn’t so sure. mollie had been avoiding him. surely, if these feelings were mutual, then he wouldn’t be the one standing alone and looking like a fool, would he? did mollie not want him around anymore? when fred was the one used to growing bored of the company of others, he didn’t know how to feel about being so easily dismissed by someone he’d grown to be so familiar with.

slowing to a stop at the doorstep, he visibly paused. hesitated. the pads of his fingers had pins and needles, but not with the familiar excitement of a job to do -- but with stress, anxious anticipation. then, after releasing a short breath through pursed lips, he reached a hand up and knocked a few times at her door. he didn’t wait more than a couple seconds before he reached down and twisted the doorknob, pushing the door open with familiarity. as if he was used to it. too familiar with the place to make himself out to be a stranger knocking at mollie hawthorne’s door.

when his eyes met mollie’s, the foreign anxiety he previously felt seemed more amplified yet lessened all at once. his throat felt tight, though he still forced a tight smile to his lips as he casually said, “i thought i’d find you here.” as though he had been looking for her. closing the door behind him, he closed the door and felt his worries and fears slowly start to melt away. was this what molls could do to him, make him worry and fret over nothing? crossing his arms over his chest, he stepped further into her home.

plopping himself down on the sofa, he gazed absently at the fireplace. one arm against the back of the couch as though waiting for mollie to come closer, and the other hand resting on the arm of the couch, tracing small circles into the fabric. he sat contemplatively before he huffed a short breath and observed, “you know, i don’t think i’ve ever seen the mollie hawthorne at a party without a drink in her hand. let alone at her own birthday party.” an observation so casual, yet his stomach felt as though it was in knots. had she turned it down because he offered it? was it because he had put the party together that she had seemed so uncomfortable there all the while?

he didn’t dare speak about his insecurities, though his features sobered slightly as curious eyes looked towards her. “mollie. what was that about?” he prepared himself for rejection, planning to feel his heart break and shatter to the floor below him. little did he know, that it wasn’t his heart that would get irreparably broken that night.

[MOLLIE.]

[align=center][div style="width: 430px; text-align: justify; font-family: verdana; font-size: 6pt; letter-spacing: 2.5px; word-spacing: 0px; line-height: 12px; color: #000"]He was the very first person she would ever show her heart to, and the very reason she would never make that same mistake again.

Everything was going so well for the pair of them as well. Mollie Hawthorne, the woman like thunderstorms, vulgar and passionate. Drifting in and out of people’s lives fleetingly, not like the gentle breeze but like a torrential storm, forceful, loud and booming. Whilst everyone knew her name, nobody truly got to know the downpour that was Mollie Hawthorne. That was until she met Frederick Stirling one night at a party. That night, they’d sit on the pier, watching the night sky as Freddie promised to one day give her the moon.

Nowadays, she wanted to laugh at how a woman as guarded as her could be so naïve.

But, as the weeks passed by and turned to months, she was slowly falling in love. The realisation had not hit the woman who promised to herself that she’d never give anyone a thing, especially her heart. The memories still haunted her, the way she’d watch with slumped shoulders and a heavy heart at the sight of her parents, collapsed on the ground in their own intoxicated vomit before creeping back into the kitchen to take care of her fragile sister once again. The day she realised that they abandoned the twins emotionally had become the day Mollie promised to herself to never let another person in. It only hurt more once she’d be let down and left on her own again.

However, things felt different with Freddie. As if this was it. They never settled on serious conversation about their feelings and, at first, she preferred it that way. Without those serious talks, she could live in the fallacy that maybe this time things would be different. She wouldn’t end up abandoned and on her own again. Truth be told, Mollie favoured the feeling of security over travelling on her own for weeks on end, but she would insist she couldn’t have what she desired. Despite her wishes, she was deeply distrustful towards any ounce of commitment. That usually meant that she had something to lose and oftentimes it was easier to deny herself of the feeling of love and safety because being let down only hurt tenfold.

Over a year had passed, and Mollie and Fred would never label themselves. Admittedly, she felt somewhat antsy that she’d remained in one place for so long but it felt worth it because of him. Maybe this was her forever, that everlasting embrace of safety that she’d been denied of for years. But, Mollie was naïve in love. Whilst everyone needed a place to call a home, it should never be inside somebody else. It had taken some time to come to accept that this feeling she felt was love. Perhaps Freddie felt it too, Mollie had hoped as their frequent intimacies with other people slowly dwindled until it was just them. An exclusivity that she had never experienced before, and she doubted a man as handsome and charming as Freddie ever had experienced such a thing before, either.

Best friends first and foremost, it was slowly beginning to feel as if they were more than that. As if they were each other’s soulmates. Often seen in each other’s company, they were never seen without pleased grins on their faces, eyes alight with fondness and a conversation so playful and flirtatious it was as if they’d never escape the honeymoon phase.

Until now.

Heart slammed with uncertainty as she trudged back to her quaint village chalet, bundled up warmly and arms hugging her torso as the distant sound of her party coming to an end eventually faded out of earshot. Stepping into her home, she began to remove layers of clothing until she was in nothing else but jeans and Freddie’s sweater, large enough to not hug the torso she felt so much hatred towards. She couldn’t dare open up to Freddie about the news she’d learned only a night earlier, a secret that would inevitably come to light. Shoulders slouched as she stood silently in the middle of the living room, taking one big inhalation before a shaky exhalation followed. Freddie had truly tested Mollie this evening — how could Mollie never learn how to be subtle?

She soon wandered to the fireplace, lighting a gentle blaze before she walked into the kitchen in her open living space, picking at the hem of his sweater anxiously as she leaned two elbows on the kitchen counter. In her own solitude, Mollie felt nothing but worry, enough to make her muscles tense and her bones ache. She wasn’t ready to tell Freddie yet, afraid that once he knew that she had fallen pregnant with his child, he would begin to treat her differently. She didn’t want things to change between them for the worse. Mollie barely knew what it was that made Freddie so special to her. Maybe it was the way nothing else mattered when she was with him. The way her face would hurt from smiles and kisses, the softness of his touch or the passion in the way he spoke to her.

Was it so hard for a confirmation that this could be their forever? She only wanted to feel safe with someone, no longer having to wonder how he truly felt about her. Expecting him to up and leave when things got too difficult — just as most relationships would end in her life — hoping and wishing that maybe she meant as much to him as he meant to her. Did he love her laugh the same way as she loved his? Did the fire in her eyes help keep him warm on the coldest of Flintlock nights? Did he look at her restful face with adoration as he’d be the first to wake up by her side?  Would he care enough to stay after this? All unanswered questions circulated her mind. Maybe she was overthinking this, or maybe this was all rational. A preparation for the inevitable. Freddie knew how to speak his mind; if he loved her, certainly he would have told her by now.

The door knocked, and Mollie whipped her head up to look towards the door as the handle slowly twisted and the door cracked open. Freddie stepped into the living space,  her usual smile of joy to see him absent as she gazed across at him in the dimly lit room. ❝ I thought I’d find you here. ❞ He commented, Mollie straightening up before taking a few steps closer, arms hugged across her body.  ❝ Yeah? Well this is my home. ❞ She retorted snidely before the corner of her lip curled into a soft smile towards him. As if things would all return to normal. And, maybe she had been overthinking it; he wouldn’t have looked for her if he didn’t care. Perhaps she could stall for a couple of days longer.

But then, Freddie sat on the couch and opened his fat mouth. Mollie paled, watching the space beside him where she should’ve been sitting before carefully stepping over to occupy that very space, dead silent in response to his query. So, maybe this was it. She leaned against him, legs curled beneath her as she sat beside him and tugged his arm to envelope her shoulders. A comfort despite her heart beating heavy in her chest. She even tried to hum a short breath of dismissive laughter as she leaned in to press a long, gentle kiss against his jaw. A long breath as if she already knew she’d never breathe him in again. Until he asked her why she was acting weird. Slowly, she recoiled, anxious gaze meeting his own. Lips parted, and yet she made no sound, as if she was ruminating on her words first before she’d speak. ❝ Well— ❞ She tried to shrug dismissively, never quite so good as acknowledging her emotions until it was much too late.

She needed to tell him everything. His child that she carried, the way that she loved him, how this was the only time she’d ever felt safe in her life. She broke her gaze away from his, lowering her head quickly to stare down at her lap in thought. If she could will herself to tell him, then it was not something that he could take lightly. After all, she did everything in her power to make sure she’d never have to depend on anyone, never reveal her vulnerabilities, and never rely on another person who may just let her down. If she needed him, it meant that she trusted him with every fibre of her being, enough to feel safe enough to let him catch her when she’d fall.

Two tears ran down her face, droplets landing warmly against the icy skin of her forearm, fluttering her eyes shut in order to try to recompose herself before she could face Freddie again. Several moments passed, Mollie eerily silent and still before she glanced up again, eyes glazed over and nose reddened. ❝ Can you just listen to me? To everything I say? ❞ She spoke meekly, swallowing hard to try manage her anxiety.  After a couple of seconds, trying to gather her thoughts, Mollie finally muttered just above a whisper, as if she were ashamed to be in this situation. ❝ I don’t know what to do, Freddie. I found out yesterday and I’m fucking terrified because I don’t want thi- ❞ A hiccup cut her short, the composure she grasped so tightly onto being nothing more than a feeble attempt as more tears began to fall. With a sharp exhalation through tight o-shaped lips, Mollie finally admitted timidly, just above a whisper,  ❝ I’m pregnant. ❞

She tried to blink back tears, sniffling as she tipped her head back slightly to stare at the ceiling. ❝ I don’t want to do this, Freddie. I don’t… want this. ❞

[freddie]

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— he promised her the moon. at the time, fred thought it was nothing more than a line he had said to try and get her to fall for him, to make him fall for that classic stirling charm. nothing he wouldn’t say to any other woman that happened to cross his way. rather than falling for the charming smile and superficial words, mollie challenged him to live up to his word. get her the moon. if she had been any other woman, any other fleeting romance, he nowadays might have scoffed at the previous conversation. however, the more he got to know mollie hawthorne, the more he began to realize just how far he would go for her.

when he saw her, it felt as though nothing else mattered. a best friend that never failed to let fred down whenever he had an idea for a particular outing. the kind of person to crash her lips against his in order to catch him off guard long enough to pull the trigger of her paintball gun. having the guts to shoot him short-range without a single ounce of remorse. even with her seemingly unmendable rough edges, she would still soften whenever he pulled her close and danced with her once the bar was closed up. her laughter was lighthearted and contagious with each twirl or overly dramatic dip. although he never said it in all of those moments, he felt a certain softness welling within him, too. a softness that he didn’t know he even had.

mollie hawthorne unraveled him. it was a terrifying concept to wrap around frederick’s mind. he was a man that hid behind a wall that many weren’t aware even existed. he wasn’t used to the idea of someone tearing away at him, slowly unraveling him until they reached the very core of who exactly frederick stirling was. not when it was someone that he wanted to stare at him in the same familiar manner, with fond eyes and featherlight touches. he didn’t want to entertain the thought of the fire behind mollie’s eyes being replaced with confusion and a sense of betrayal. fear. fred was used to causing chaos wherever he went, striking fear into whoever dared to cross him and his family -- and yet, the idea of mollie looking at him the same way made him feel close to what he thought could be heartbreak. he was aware of what a horrible person he truly was, and he wished mollie would be slower at undoing the walls he’d set before her. he wanted more time with her. he always would. why did he care so much about what mollie had to think of him?

because he cared about her. maybe even more than that. love was a word he rarely associated with himself, let alone when it came to a romantic partner. still, he found himself contemplating over that very word with each moment spent with the person before him. he’d been falling for her from the moment she started to leave him at a loss of a witty comeback. from the moment she swayed with him in the bar and made him laugh. genuinely laugh. he’d been falling for her without even knowing it, without allowing himself to fully come to terms with it. they never established what they were, yet fred found himself wanting more time with her. he wanted to be at her side more than he ever wanted to be at anyone else’s. what’s worse was that it was a thought he was slowly starting to entertain; being ever present at mollie’s side. was it foolish for someone like him to wish for that when he was so undeserving of it?

he should have known it wouldn’t last forever.

the tight smile forced to his lips felt less ingenuous at mollie’s snide reply. the gentle curl of his lips afterwards felt far more genuine, holding her gaze as he subtly shook his head. “when it comes to you, i’ve learned to expect the unexpected.” a remark that couldn’t be any more true. when it was just the two of them, fred staring into those familiar electric eyes, he felt nearly tempted to forget about the very reason why he’d sought her out in the first place. the same expression still stood as he sat down, mollie wrapped in his arm.  the worry that gnawed at him and his nerves didn’t nearly outweigh his desire to simply be in her company. to forget about talking to her because believe it or not, talking wasn’t what freddie did best.

when he decided to bring up the topic, explore what it was that was bothering mollie, he expected her to insist it was nothing. molls was a stubborn, headstrong woman. she’d be the first to insist she was fine when the world was crumbling down around her, unwilling to accept any help. she would dismiss the confrontation and ensure she was fine, just a bad night. instead, she lowered her gaze down to her lap. tears. falling down her cheeks. his lips parted gently in surprise, in dread of what was to come next from her lips. he’d never seen mollie cry before. had anyone?

”can you just listen to me? to everything i say?” she must’ve seen the shock starting to glaze over his eyes as their gazes met. he didn’t know what to expect from her. in some ways, perhaps he already knew what mollie was trying to tell him - he just couldn’t bring himself to see that as what would be the next words out of her mouth. his mind thought of other alternatives, instead. what if mollie was going to break things off between them, say she couldn’t do ‘this’ - whatever ‘this’ was - anymore? what if mollie was going to ask for them to establish what they were, asking more from freddie than anyone should dare try and expect? nerves made his heart race. what if she loved him?

“i’m pregnant.”

time stood still and blurred. his ears ringed from the deafening silence that filled the gaps and spaces between them. distanced them. for a man who seemed to never run out of things to say, he was painfully quiet during those moments of silence that followed. mollie continued to talk, and yet the ringing in his ears grew louder. mollie was pregnant. a situation neither of them would have seen themselves in, and especially not fred. the very thoughts he’d been entertaining shattered around him, leaving him only with the swirling of uncontrollable emotion. fear. fear of never getting to live the life alfred would’ve wanted a stirling man to have. getting stuck having to follow tradition like he always did. tying the knot with mollie and end up like eddie, a man with so much wasted potential. he didn’t want to be wasted potential. he didn’t want to fall into the same trap that so many other stirling men did. how could he have been so stupid?

almost instinctively, he slowly drew his hand away from mollie’s shoulders. “shit.” the words were so quiet, just barely a whisper. grasping the arm of the couch, he slowly started to stand up. distance himself from mollie. standing, he turned his back to her, bringing the palm of his hand up to his forehead. “god, mollie.” he brushed the hand through his hair with a stressed sigh. “i don’t want to do this freddie, i don’t… want this.” stressed eyes squeezed tightly shut, jaw clenching tightly. fred was unraveling, spiraling; he didn’t think mollie was going to like the person that he could be when he felt cornered and trapped.

“you think that i want this?” he snapped, turning to stare over towards mollie with a guarded gaze. unwilling to show the panic, yet much more willing to mask it with such a cold front instead. had he ever been so cold to her? how could he ever be? “you think i want to be stuck with you and some- goddamn kid?” he said it as if he hadn’t just considered the idea of being with mollie for the long-run. he said it as if mollie hadn’t meant a damn thing to him.

guess that would always be what ruined possible relationships with freddie. he feared commitment more than anything else in life. rather than try and confront himself, he instead chose to lash out at others for their decisions. blame others for getting themselves so messily tangled with him when he had been the one that made them able to do so. “that’s the last thing i want. mollie-” it must’ve seemed as though there was little room to try and convince fred to calm down, to sit down and listen to mollie and all she had to say. he was too far gone, beyond saving from the surge of panic he felt rising in his chest.

he should have known they wouldn’t last forever. not by anything that mollie did, but by the distance he put between them all by himself. this was all his doing.