an ode to those who listen -- journal

[tomorrow]

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8th Entry. Frozen Gold
tw: n/a
I'm feeling a tad melancholy today, to be completely frank about it. I am confused and scared, but mostly sad when it comes down to it. I feel like wanderlust has taken me, the itch to run and never look back, but now I am attached to a place and to the people and I know I need to stay here for Claire and her puppies.

The sunrise today was beautiful; a sea of red-gold snow shone in the light, sparkling like it'd been covered in glitter. I watched Jeremiah play with a few of the Lodge's dogs in the snow, all of them without a care in the world, and I felt okay. And now I'm scared, because I don't know if I want this. I know that I could sit back and repeat this morning a hundred times and I'd never grow tired of it, and yet the idea makes my skin crawl.

I know why this feels wrong, and I know it shouldn't. I should be happy for this chance to settle down with friends and family and watch the Lodge grow and flourish. But on occasion it feels like I can't breath in there, and I know I push myself much too hard to bolster my self worth. The idea of never waking up to complete silence, bathed in the sharp cold mountain air, with only myself and my companions; the idea of never having that again, well, it frightens me.

Perhaps... Perhaps in the spring, I'll go for a small trip to clear my head. Bring along only those who I can't bear to leave behind. I won't need to leave forever, but it might be necessary if I'm ever to calm down to life here.

...I wonder if any of the other Lodgers would want to accompany me on such a trip? I doubt it, but perhaps when it's warm enough to leave I'll extend the invitation to those who I've grown fond of.

[tomorrow]

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9th Entry. 10 Years Ago
tw: n/a
It's a bit strange to think that ten years ago I was pining over you, puppylove turning into actual romance. I miss you a lot nowadays, but I'm happy here. I wish you were here too, that would've made things perfect.

But I've got new things to look forward to, even if sometimes they hurt. My feelings about Hayley are still complicated, but I think I've settled on being happy for her and Jackson; they clearly care a lot about each other, and I wouldn't be able to tolerate myself if I wished them ill for that.

Still, I can't help but see her and think she's the most beautiful, strongest person I've ever had the chance to meet. I adore her, and even though I know she will never return my affections I can't help but admire her. I think... I'll tell her, someday. Not today obviously, it's Valentines Day and that'd be much too awkward and crass.

Even though I know she'll reject me, it'll be good to get it out of my system.

...I guess I meant to write more about you, Mel, and less about Hayley. Sometimes I wonder if you'd be mad that I've found someone else to pine after, but I know that's, and I quote, "Your stupid brain being awful". You wouldn't be mad at me for finding happiness elsewhere when you're gone.

I wish there were flowers around here, I'd pick some for you. A whole bouquet you'd never see. But I have to settle for something else, maybe I should cook a big meal? I'll make all of your favorites, except for ambrosia because we... Don't really have access to fresh fruit.

Yes, I think that's what I'll do. I'll get started right away, it'll do me some good to get moving.

[tomorrow]

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10th Entry. And You Fly
tw: n/a
A scrawled poem.

You were strong
You were loud
You had confidence
You had spirit
You could've been an actor
Or an accomplished conman
But you were mine
And I was yours
For a very short time

I remember watching you twirl
A yellow top like the morning sun
A billowing skirt like crashing waves
Light shining through dusty windows
The wood floor sturdy under your light steps
You'd drag me to my feet
And you'd dance
While I tried to keep up

You swore we'd be together for as long as we lived
But you lied
Now another has taken your place
And I drown in the midday sun

She is strong
She is beautiful
She is hurting
And I wish I could help her

She loves boldly
She loves brashly
She loves as a bird teaches its young how to fly
A push, and suddenly you're in freefall
And you fly
And you fly

But she is not you
She is not mine
And I am not hers

I love like a lone sparrow
Fluttering between branches
My heart is small and moves fast
And I ask for a quiet place to build my nest

But you are a lone stump
She is a tall aspen
I am just a sparrow
And I cannot give you what you need

[tomorrow]

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11th Entry. Franklin Becker
tw: mhm he's sad
Franklin Becker.

It's been a while since I've written that name, or spoken it. It's been a very long time since I've responded to it; nowadays when I hear those words in passing I don't associate them with me. I think I should feel relieved, but I just feel sad. Nowadays would I even think to look up if I heard Mel calling "Franky"?

Becker is another... Thing. Not really my name, he made that blatantly clear; still I went by it, I had nothing else. It made me feel close to Mel, like we had invisible rings on our fingers and she let me take her name because I lacked one of my own.

But I'm just Tomorrow now, no last name or birth name. Sometimes I wondered if I'd be happier as Tomorrow Chase, and then I realized that was silly and just... Frivolous and stupid. Stupid and idiotic and fucking dumb. She's Chase-Kenner now anyways.

I'm going to write about something fun now, before I become critically mopey for the rest of the day. Claire gave birth, and now I have four new puppies! I named them Bear, Elk, Bobcat and Kestrel. They are a little over a week old, and I love them all already. Kestrel seems to be the runt of the litter, but Claire's doing a good job keeping them all fed so I'm not worried too much about him.

Beorhtwulf is pretty much fully healed as well, he strains a bit when he runs but otherwise can walk fine. I'll probably take him and Jeremiah on more walks, while Claire will stay around the Lodge mostly until the pups are bigger. I'm excited for the puppies to grow old enough to play and run around and eventually get introduced to the outside; hopefully the snow will have melted a tad by that time, but I wouldn't put it past this mountain to stay snowy and frozen throughout spring and summer.

I wonder what Mel would've thought of the snow up here. She probably would've loved it, when we were kids she was obsessed with seeing her breath in the cold air. She would've loved the puppies, she probably would've carried them around with her as soon as they were big enough to regulate their own body heat.

I can see her in my mind, swirling through the snow with a thick skirt laughing as snowflakes fall around her. Her eyelashes would be dusted with ice and her face would be red and blotchy. She would've been as beautiful as all her imperfections put together and I long for a time when she was the only thing I knew. Her smile seems a bit too soft, her eyes a bit too dark and gods, I wish the wedding would've taken this from my mind.

Is it wrong to wonder what life would be like if Jackson had never arrived in the Lodge? Maybe I would've confessed by now, and maybe Hayley would've tentatively accepted. Maybe I couldn't have ever been the other piece of Hayley's puzzle, but if I think about waking up in the morning to Hope being fussy and a waking Hayley beside me I selfishly think that I wouldn't care.

I selfishly think I'd come to adore that life, and the steady heartbeat of the Lodge would sync with my own and I'd give myself to that. Brendan might stop hating me someday and perhaps my friendships with the other Lodgers would strengthen, and I'd be whole.

I have never been whole before though, and I think it's stupid that I'd put my hopes into a situation that will never exist. It's selfish and wrong to even think those things anyways, I wouldn't put it past Jackson for being furious with me if he ever knew. I wouldn't put it past Hayley for being even angrier with me than Jackson if she ever knew.

I think... I'm angry with me for it, a little bit. Even though my pulse quickens and finding words becomes hard when I'm around her, I don't need to go further than that. I don't need to linger on the smiles she offers me, or the kind tones she uses when speaking to me. The only way to deal with this is to stop feeding into it, so I think that's what I'll try.

I was allowed to be Franklin Becker, but now I've got to remind myself that I'm Tomorrow and nothing more.