09-28-2019, 02:36 PM
tw. drug abuse, implied childhood abuse, implied suicidal thoughts.
Lucerne had grown up with the lethal belief that perhaps he was not cut out for life on Earth. It never felt right to be surrounded by all these faceless people, all of the ❛ ordinaries ❜. Lucerne did not belong here. He was never meant for this world, alienated from society and shunned for being too much of an abstract concept for most to understand. But Addy understood him. He understood Lucerne in a twisted way that even Addy could never dare admit.
On some days - not all days - Addy Douglas made Lucerne feel human.
Perhaps even a part of Lucerne was beginning to comprehend the concept of love, thanks to Addy. It was truly interesting to study... Love. LOVE. Love; an intangible concept in itself which had, not one, not two, but many, many definitions. It was no surprise that Lucerne struggled to truly grasp on such idealism of sentiment - he was a man of pure logic and fact. Nothing made sense unless it could be proven, it could be seen. But, from what Lucerne could understand, it appeared to surround the entirety of its meaning around this idea of trust, passion and even sacrifice. A feeling of unconditionally caring for a person, physically and emotionally, and ensuring that they felt like they had somebody. It was having strong feelings towards someone, far stronger than the usual emotions.
On the other hand, it appeared to Lucerne that maybe - just maybe - love was giving somebody else the power to completely destroy them. It wasn't the sweet innocence which many dreamed of. It was barbaric and scary. Love was terrifying, Lucerne had decided. Not that he had much experience with such emotion, however. He never grew up with love. Even as a child, all that gripped onto him was the fear which propagated within his heart as if it were a disease. Lucerne wasn't sure if that fear and reluctance had ever left him. Instead of being peeled away over the years like sun-damaged paint being skinned from the walls, fear clung to him persistently. It haunted him.
And so, perhaps he didn't really understand emotions in a way most people did. Lucerne claimed excellence with his philosophical mind and extraordinary intellect, and yet he could not grasp the inevitable that was basic human emotion. People just could not be read when they were faceless, and they could never be understood when their intentions were not always genuine. How was Lucerne to know, after all? He was an extraordinaire in the art of logic, wit and intelligence, and yet the perplexing enigma that was the human mind had been thoroughly unexplored by Lucerne. A certain quality had to be possessed by one to truly understand a human being: empathy.
Lucerne's apathy was surely no substitute, and so he'd instead withdraw from the study of Addy. He had been interesting to associate himself with; in fact quite enjoyable. But, Lucerne should've known from the very start that nothing good could last forever. He was the unfortunate man stricken with misfortune - not even Addy would stick around once things got too difficult. Of course, it was Lucerne's fault. God damn, it was always Lucerne's fault. He had been the one to let himself crumble, and this time he’s unwittingly almost dragged Addy beneath the depths alongside him.. He was never known for being a strong man; even his greatest strength was also nothing more than weakness. His brain. His stupidly smart yet tragically self-destructive brain. The memories of a past so unreal still haunted him. Every day. Every night.
He lay in bed, hoping to fall asleep before he fell apart at night. Ever since he lost Addy - ever since Addy found out about Lucerne's greatest weakness of all - Lucerne had found himself entrapped by solitude once more. For a man so consumed by this idea of being a loner, he sure as hell feared being alone. And so, without Addy in his life, a piece of Lucerne felt missing. Not quite there. Absent. Vacant. At first, Lucerne associated the loss with something like an addiction. He'd once been a smoker - not much anymore - and the feeling of craving what one had lost was almost mind-numbing. Losing Addy, at first, felt similar in that sense. But then, the days went by. Lucerne was alone. Weeks. Lucerne was alone.
Lucerne realized how he could not cope with being alone.
The world felt darker on his own. He'd extinguished Addy's fire from his life with his own vices, chosen intoxicants over a friend. Lucerne was pretty sure he was falling apart. Now, of course he was often known to over-exaggerate, a melodramatic drama queen in his very own right... but, if anybody was out there listening, this was no theatrical act sparkling with flair and finesse. It was a cry for help.
Lucerne was beginning to draw the conclusion that without Addy, he was nothing. He couldn't live this way. He couldn't live at all if his life would end in a hail of needles and solitude. Losing Addy was the beginning of acceptance that he was coming to the end of a miserable and traumatized lifetime, for he realized that he couldn't cope without his backbone. He was useless on his own, despite being reclusive.
Addy had taught Lucerne the meaning of love. This loss had given Lucerne time to reflect and, dare he say that the definition he'd drawn of love had slowly become painfully real to him. He trusted Addy... Trusted him with his life. Through thick and thin, Addy had proven to be one to trust - he'd saved Lucerne's life more times than Lucerne could even care to admit.
Perhaps Lucerne cared about Addy - he cried once Addy left his room after their treacherous argument. Was that for his own pity or was it due to the fact that he cared that he had hurt Addy? Lucerne was yet to draw any conclusions, but he was pretty certain it was the latter. Nobody who did not care about somebody would lay in bed and stare at the ceiling, wishing they'd never said or done certain things to have caused the person to feel pain. Lucerne never meant to hurt Addy. He just tended to do the not good sort of things without realizing it’d hurt Addy.
Did Addy feel the same way as Lucerne felt towards him?... Oh God, what was this? Sentiment - it was truly hateful. But, ultimately, Lucerne could never hide from himself the very fact that he was painfully aware of Addy's relations with others. After all, Lucerne liked to watch. He liked to observe. A pang of... Jealousy almost was an unsettling sensation in the chest, one which was associated with observing Addy appearing happier with others than with him. Addy fit in, after all. He belonged in society, unlike the outcast that Lucerne was. But, Lucerne would never dare admit, too stubborn to attach himself when he promised to remain fully unattached, but... Addy was his somebody.
Addy made him feel, and yet he lost all this connection between his best friend. All down to Lucerne's own declining stability. The hurt which proved too dangerous for a man to volatile for this world. He was a walking calamity, a danger to none other than himself. If he were to spend any longer without Addy, Lucerne was pretty certain he'd die. After all, he needed help. He needed lots of help, and he'd never be able to rise from this tragedy on his own. He needed someone. He needed his best friend.
Ultimately, time taught Lucerne that perhaps he did have emotions. Perhaps he cared about Addy.
Perhaps he’d proven factually that he did love Addy to some twisted degree.
He hoped that he did. It was the only driving force helping him reach out for help. Helping him save his own life.
Oh, he really hoped that he cared about Addy.
Eyes were dark and nearly defeated as he observed Addy speaking to other Badlanders in the distance, only to begin walking away back home. A twisting sensation in his gut sent him shifting from side to side, waiting for the man to walk passed before he could try inconspicuously pass him by.
Perhaps this was an absurd plan - somewhat abnormal and only something a man so out of his mind could think of - but Lucerne could promise that this was the first time in days he'd been at least somewhat sober. Fingertips trembled and heart raced uncontrollably so that he could hear the thudding pulsating in his ears like a pulse of a rabbit darting away for its life.
Addy began passing by, Lucerne's bottom lip quivering with uncertainty as eyes followed before he began to follow swiftly behind like a shadow. ❝ Addy - ❞ Lucerne choked the name out as he cut in front of the man in less than no time, shifting eyes quickly searching Addy's features as the other man's face went from surprised to frustrated in moments. ❝ I must talk to you immedia- ❞
❝ Oh, fuck off, Lucerne. ❞
Words were bitter, spat back venomously in Lucerne's face as Addy's eyes were just flames crackling uncontrollably, pushing Lucerne aside and clipping him with his shoulder as he was quick to make his getaway.
Lucerne panicked. Eyes began widening, turning on his heels swiftly as eyes followed Addy's departure. This was oddly enough like watching the life drain from somebody - oh how Lucerne deflated at the sight of Addy leaving again. Lucerne slowly shook his head, lips parting in panic, and then-
❝ I'm trying to get sober. ❞
Addy stopped dead in his tracks.
He appeared hesitant for some time before he slowly turned to look back at Lucerne, brows bunched together and lips parted as he tried to comprehend all that had just been said. Lucerne's shoulders slumped. ❝ What? ❞ Addy questioned, voice far quieter than Lucerne had heard it in a long time.
Lucerne's eyes were desperate, pleading for help as he stared across at Addy. Lip twitched, and Lucerne was quick to lower his eyes in shame, gesturing pathetically to nobody in particular before he continued, ❝ I can't do it anymore... Not now. Not alone. ❞
It appeared that Addy hesitated in that moment, staring down the street across at Lucerne. Deciding whether it was worth letting Lucerne in again. Deciding whether loving Lucerne was love in the form of trust, happiness or commitment, or whether it was giving Lucerne the power to destroy his heart entirely. See, Lucerne knew things - he thought that he understood love, and he that could tell for certain that based on circumstance, love meant different things to different people.
Lucerne just hoped that Addy’s love towards him was the type of love that was also forgiving.
Addy’s lungs deflated in a slow sigh, glancing around briefly before he began to walk back towards Lucerne. Lucerne wanted to smile in that very moment, yet instead he stood reserved and unfaltering, eyes following Addy back to him. Maybe this was his only shot at redemption. Maybe, this would save his life.
How was Lucerne supposed to stop this guilt? In the entirety of his life, guilt rarely welcomed itself into his life… Well, not in the traditional sense. Guilt was the wonderment of what he could’ve done to change the outcome of a situation to make it more beneficial to him. Guilt was a selfish finger pointing towards himself insisting that he was owed his own self-pity for the many mistakes which he’d made. After all, for most of his life, he was alone. He didn’t have people to feel guilt towards, nor did he wish to change that fact.
For the longest of times, he was so assured in refusing people, refusing connection and bond, because people were always trouble in his books. Even down to familial relations - wasn’t this supposed to be the strongest of bonds? - all he had ever felt was the chilling aloofness of men so cold, or the fear that maybe he’d be hurt that day, that week, that month, that year. It was unstable and dangerous - he could never quite tell when or where the next incident would take place, and so he’d spend his life in solitude, cowering away from people.
Perhaps little had changed. Lucerne would, by no means, ever become the socialite with the charming smile, nor even a man friendly enough to greet somebody passing by on the streets. Many would suggest that he was purely too antisocial and cruel, too vile of a robot to ever wish to associate himself with anybody. Maybe it was true to the slightest extent - he wasn’t really the most amiable of people - but he tried. Beneath the exterior of lacking to possess concern for others, regardless of the biting remarks sent in everybody’s direction like shrapnel ricocheting after an explosion, Lucerne was in fact not purposefully mean but quite simply afraid.
He was painfully aware of his awkwardness, unsure of where to tread because the crust of the Earth felt like nothing more than eggshells to walk on. He wasn’t bitter towards life; he was afraid of it. Never had he met a person he could trust as wholeheartedly as Addy. Lucerne couldn’t even place such reliance on his very own brother, the man who grew up trying to protect Lucerne. The man who died trying to protect his brother.
But Addy…
God, Addy was special to him.
Although Lucerne somewhat envied Addy’s mind for being so vacant and free, and sure sometimes Addy’s anger was unjustified in Lucerne’s opinion and made the older man laugh... and all right, perhaps he wasn’t the most intellectually radiant of people, but he most certainly was quite the conductor of light for Lucerne… but Lucerne enjoyed Addy’s company. In fact, he enjoyed Addy’s company a lot.
He enjoyed it enough to feel lost without him and genuine guilt for ever breaking his heart.
And so, the two of them sat in Lucerne’s room, Lucerne bouncing his leg anxiously as he stared at his lap, avoiding Addy’s gaze entirely.
❝ You’re actually serious about this. ❞ Addy stared across at Lucerne, raising his brows ever-so-slightly. The phrase seemed to come across as more of a question than a statement, yet Lucerne wasn’t surprised by Addy’s reservations.
❝ Yup. ❞ Lucerne uttered beneath his breath, popping the P before returning to silence, swallowing hard.
Addy folded his arms across his chest, sighing before tipping his chin downwards, looking to his toes as if they were the most important thing in the room at that moment. ❝ .... Shit. ❞
Slowly, eyes raised from his lap to look at Addy, Lucerne’s body slumping as dull eyes searched his best friend’s face, watching as Addy appeared to be deep in thought - or he quite simply didn’t know what to do with himself in the awkward silence. ❝ I want you to keep me away from them. ❞ Lucerne began, slow to shake his head. ❝ Heroin, morphine… God, uh, opiates in general… Cocaine, too. Um- ❞ He hesitated for a moment, blinking around the room, before he leaned down and pulled out his messenger bag from beneath his bed. Placing it on his lap, he opened it, shaky hands reaching in to pull out several plastic bags and apparatus and dropping it on the bed.
He stared at the accumulation on his bed for a long while. This was what his idea of a friend was for years. He trusted his drugs, felt safe and secure in a high, and sacrificed his world for his addiction. He felt in ways that not even he could describe when he was high and life without it felt impossible. Perhaps this had been his own twisted interpretation of love for all of these years. He was loyal to intoxication.
He was an addict.
He swallowed hard, tipping his head to the side as he looked nostalgically upon the pile on his bed, as if wordlessly he was saying his goodbyes, before he shuffled away from them and quickly closed his bag, handing it over to Addy. ❝ You can have a look to make sure I’ve not kept something I shouldn’t have. I’ll bag all of this… now. I’ll bag it now and hand it to you. ❞ He quickly stood up, scratching about in a room which looked as messy and jumbled up as his mind until finding a small bag which he then picked up and pushed the pile of paraphernalia into it.
He appeared to hold onto it for a second longer than he would’ve liked to, looking into the bag one last time, heart slamming against his chest, before handing it over to Addy.
❝ Shit... I can’t believe this is happening. ❞ Addy sighed, looking into the bag before placing it beside his feet. ❝ The fuck do you want me to do? ❞ He questioned. ❝ You want me to fuckin’ cradle you, too, now? Tell you it’s gonna be okay? … Fuck that. ❞ Then remarking sarcastically, Addy probably thought that his snide would be met with little reply. Or, at least with some reply that he was expecting.
Instead, Lucerne had other ideas. ❝ Well- ❞ He began, Addy lifting his head and blinking in Lucerne’s direction. ❝ I’m going to be staying at yours for the next few days. ❞ Lucerne pointed out wearily, taking a seat back on his bed.
❝ You’re fucking kidding.… So first you want me to stop you from taking your damn drugs, and now you’re inviting yourself to stay at my house? ❞
Lucerne knitted his brows together, tilting his head to the side to have a look at Addy. ❝ Is that an issue? ❞
Addy gawked at him. Then he shut his mouth, nostrils flaring ever-so-slightly as he exhaled a heavy breath before caving. ❝ Yeah, whatever… Anything else, princess? ❞ He uttered, only for Lucerne to huff with laughter beneath his breath, although no smile found its way to his face. No light found its way to his tone.
❝ Yes, actually. ❞ Lucerne uttered, pressing his lips together to form a tight line. Addy shifted his weight, huffing with disbelief.
❝ Are you fucking serious?... Alright. Go on. ❞
Lucerne sucked in a slow breath, refusing to look towards Addy as he gathered his thoughts, before- ❝ I’m… Sorry. ❞ He finally raised his head to look just passed Addy’s shoulder, too nervous to actually make eye contact with him. He appeared dull and lackluster, heart heavy at the thought of ever having hurt Addy. ❝ I hurt you, and I am painfully aware that that is not… very good. Trust me, that realization broke me. ❞ He tried to reason. He hesitated for a moment, shifty eyes averting awkwardly as he looked around the room, clearly uncomfortable by the way his hands were clasped together, fingertips picking away at skin around the nails.
❝ I… It felt important for me to escape from the dull routine of existence, the less fortunate events in my earlier days which lead to… this addiction, as a consequence, I suppose. I thought I’d mention if you were ever wondering. ❞ He shifted nervously, unable to look towards Addy.
A huff came from Addy, Lucerne stiffening before he flitted his gaze up to the other Addy mumbled, ❝ I don’t care right now. Just… C’mere. ❞ Lucerne blinked, hesitating momentarily before slowly pulling himself up to his feet and wandering across the room to Addy, eyes looking down at him quietly. ❝ Don’t touch that shit again... I don’t want you dying on me or something, okay? ❞
Lucerne clicked his tongue gently, heart aching at the subtle worry in Addy’s eyes. ❝ I don’t want to lose you. ❞ He cared about Lucerne a lot, it was peculiar to see especially after all the trouble Lucerne put him through. But, perhaps this was what love looked like. Trust, sacrifice, forgiving, unconditional love. He breathed in shakily, silence filling the room, before Lucerne chose to do the unthinkable.
Taking a step forward, hesitant arms wrapped around Addy’s shoulders, pulling him into a hug. They stood this way for what felt like forever, just feeling and understanding what it felt like to be loved and forgiven. If the silent treatment Addy had given him over the past weeks wasn’t enough to inspire Lucerne to change, then this briefest moment of intimacy was what ensured Lucerne would do all he could to stay true to this promise.
❝ You are such a bastard, you know that? ❞ Addy mumbled, voice muffled against Lucerne’s shoulder.
Lucerne began to smile to himself, hesitating for a moment before pulling away from the hug, subconsciously dusting himself off as he returned softly, ❝ The greatest bastard you know, perhaps. ❞
They exchanged glances, Addy slowly shaking with a growing smile on his lips. Lucerne began to laugh softly beneath his breath, only for Addy to follow suit.
❝ Yeah, whatever you say. ❞
[ a pivotal moment for lucerne & addy - lucerne finally asking for help after keeping his vices a secret for the six years they’ve been best friends for !! we thought it would be sweet to make this for lucerne’s 100th post & addy’s 200th post so… feel free to react to this or whatever ;-) ]
[align=center][div style="width: 350px; text-align: justify; font-family:verdana; font-size: 7px;"][spoiler=tags :: updated 08/13]basics.
⫸ wilhelm lucerne nouvel // no known nicknames
⫸ goes by his middle name, lucerne
⫸ male // he/him
⫸ thirty three // ages real time // born fourteenth february
⫸ medic for the badlands // formerly a loner
⫸ joined BL - twenty first february
appearance.
⫸ faceclaim - benedict cumberbatch
⫸ voice claim - benedict cumberbatch
⫸ speaks with a received pronunciation british accent
⫸ 6'2ft // tall and lithe // very little muscle mass
⫸ cold, china blue eyes and disheveled, dark brunet hair
⫸ physical health - 100%
¬ current injuries: none as of now
⫸ mental health - 70%
¬ has been showing signs of major depressive disorder
personality.
⫸ enigmatic and difficult to understand
⫸ astute and intellectual // generally very logical in his way of thinking
⫸ self-absorbed and overly prideful // massive god complex
⫸ lack of empathy and often insincere // evident sociopathic tendencies
⫸ assertive, blunt and arrogant // strong, unwavering opinions
⫸ analytical and perceptive // often good at figuring things out at breakneck speed
⫸ overly motivated and stubborn // it's often his way or the highway
⫸ chronic boredom, often acts out childishly based on this
⫸ fastidious and a known perfectionist
⫸ unpredictable and notably unhinged // makes it difficult to get on with him
⫸ a total narcissist in many ways
⫸ aloof and incredibly socially awkward // very antisocial in general
⫸ a complete drama queen // incredibly theatrical and melodramatic
⫸ breathes sarcasm // snide and often witty with his quips
⫸ silently a very sensitive and introverted soul // worries about what others think
⫸ self-conscious towards how people react towards him // this makes him withdrawn
relationships.
⫸ wilhelm nouvel x annette nouvel // one older brother [deceased]
⫸ aromantic asexual // not interested in any romance
⫸ owns a dog named faline
⫸ has taken a liking towards addy douglas
¬ sees him as his person
¬ doesn't view their relationship as romantic
¬ loyalty lies with him entirely
interaction.
⫸ storage // playlist // pinterest
⫸ physically: medium // mentally: hard
⫸ owns a pistol but finds the idea of injuring somebody very difficult
⫸ dislikes getting into physical fights as he's not very good at fighting
⫸ would much rather die than kill somebody else
⫸ will be acting out of character as he is still grieving over the loss of his brother
⫸ TW. he is an active drug addict // cocaine, heroin and opioids such as morphine
¬ some interactions with him may be whilst he is under the influence of said drugs
[/spoiler]
Lucerne had grown up with the lethal belief that perhaps he was not cut out for life on Earth. It never felt right to be surrounded by all these faceless people, all of the ❛ ordinaries ❜. Lucerne did not belong here. He was never meant for this world, alienated from society and shunned for being too much of an abstract concept for most to understand. But Addy understood him. He understood Lucerne in a twisted way that even Addy could never dare admit.
On some days - not all days - Addy Douglas made Lucerne feel human.
Perhaps even a part of Lucerne was beginning to comprehend the concept of love, thanks to Addy. It was truly interesting to study... Love. LOVE. Love; an intangible concept in itself which had, not one, not two, but many, many definitions. It was no surprise that Lucerne struggled to truly grasp on such idealism of sentiment - he was a man of pure logic and fact. Nothing made sense unless it could be proven, it could be seen. But, from what Lucerne could understand, it appeared to surround the entirety of its meaning around this idea of trust, passion and even sacrifice. A feeling of unconditionally caring for a person, physically and emotionally, and ensuring that they felt like they had somebody. It was having strong feelings towards someone, far stronger than the usual emotions.
On the other hand, it appeared to Lucerne that maybe - just maybe - love was giving somebody else the power to completely destroy them. It wasn't the sweet innocence which many dreamed of. It was barbaric and scary. Love was terrifying, Lucerne had decided. Not that he had much experience with such emotion, however. He never grew up with love. Even as a child, all that gripped onto him was the fear which propagated within his heart as if it were a disease. Lucerne wasn't sure if that fear and reluctance had ever left him. Instead of being peeled away over the years like sun-damaged paint being skinned from the walls, fear clung to him persistently. It haunted him.
And so, perhaps he didn't really understand emotions in a way most people did. Lucerne claimed excellence with his philosophical mind and extraordinary intellect, and yet he could not grasp the inevitable that was basic human emotion. People just could not be read when they were faceless, and they could never be understood when their intentions were not always genuine. How was Lucerne to know, after all? He was an extraordinaire in the art of logic, wit and intelligence, and yet the perplexing enigma that was the human mind had been thoroughly unexplored by Lucerne. A certain quality had to be possessed by one to truly understand a human being: empathy.
Lucerne's apathy was surely no substitute, and so he'd instead withdraw from the study of Addy. He had been interesting to associate himself with; in fact quite enjoyable. But, Lucerne should've known from the very start that nothing good could last forever. He was the unfortunate man stricken with misfortune - not even Addy would stick around once things got too difficult. Of course, it was Lucerne's fault. God damn, it was always Lucerne's fault. He had been the one to let himself crumble, and this time he’s unwittingly almost dragged Addy beneath the depths alongside him.. He was never known for being a strong man; even his greatest strength was also nothing more than weakness. His brain. His stupidly smart yet tragically self-destructive brain. The memories of a past so unreal still haunted him. Every day. Every night.
He lay in bed, hoping to fall asleep before he fell apart at night. Ever since he lost Addy - ever since Addy found out about Lucerne's greatest weakness of all - Lucerne had found himself entrapped by solitude once more. For a man so consumed by this idea of being a loner, he sure as hell feared being alone. And so, without Addy in his life, a piece of Lucerne felt missing. Not quite there. Absent. Vacant. At first, Lucerne associated the loss with something like an addiction. He'd once been a smoker - not much anymore - and the feeling of craving what one had lost was almost mind-numbing. Losing Addy, at first, felt similar in that sense. But then, the days went by. Lucerne was alone. Weeks. Lucerne was alone.
Lucerne realized how he could not cope with being alone.
The world felt darker on his own. He'd extinguished Addy's fire from his life with his own vices, chosen intoxicants over a friend. Lucerne was pretty sure he was falling apart. Now, of course he was often known to over-exaggerate, a melodramatic drama queen in his very own right... but, if anybody was out there listening, this was no theatrical act sparkling with flair and finesse. It was a cry for help.
Lucerne was beginning to draw the conclusion that without Addy, he was nothing. He couldn't live this way. He couldn't live at all if his life would end in a hail of needles and solitude. Losing Addy was the beginning of acceptance that he was coming to the end of a miserable and traumatized lifetime, for he realized that he couldn't cope without his backbone. He was useless on his own, despite being reclusive.
Addy had taught Lucerne the meaning of love. This loss had given Lucerne time to reflect and, dare he say that the definition he'd drawn of love had slowly become painfully real to him. He trusted Addy... Trusted him with his life. Through thick and thin, Addy had proven to be one to trust - he'd saved Lucerne's life more times than Lucerne could even care to admit.
Perhaps Lucerne cared about Addy - he cried once Addy left his room after their treacherous argument. Was that for his own pity or was it due to the fact that he cared that he had hurt Addy? Lucerne was yet to draw any conclusions, but he was pretty certain it was the latter. Nobody who did not care about somebody would lay in bed and stare at the ceiling, wishing they'd never said or done certain things to have caused the person to feel pain. Lucerne never meant to hurt Addy. He just tended to do the not good sort of things without realizing it’d hurt Addy.
Did Addy feel the same way as Lucerne felt towards him?... Oh God, what was this? Sentiment - it was truly hateful. But, ultimately, Lucerne could never hide from himself the very fact that he was painfully aware of Addy's relations with others. After all, Lucerne liked to watch. He liked to observe. A pang of... Jealousy almost was an unsettling sensation in the chest, one which was associated with observing Addy appearing happier with others than with him. Addy fit in, after all. He belonged in society, unlike the outcast that Lucerne was. But, Lucerne would never dare admit, too stubborn to attach himself when he promised to remain fully unattached, but... Addy was his somebody.
Addy made him feel, and yet he lost all this connection between his best friend. All down to Lucerne's own declining stability. The hurt which proved too dangerous for a man to volatile for this world. He was a walking calamity, a danger to none other than himself. If he were to spend any longer without Addy, Lucerne was pretty certain he'd die. After all, he needed help. He needed lots of help, and he'd never be able to rise from this tragedy on his own. He needed someone. He needed his best friend.
Ultimately, time taught Lucerne that perhaps he did have emotions. Perhaps he cared about Addy.
Perhaps he’d proven factually that he did love Addy to some twisted degree.
He hoped that he did. It was the only driving force helping him reach out for help. Helping him save his own life.
Oh, he really hoped that he cared about Addy.
Eyes were dark and nearly defeated as he observed Addy speaking to other Badlanders in the distance, only to begin walking away back home. A twisting sensation in his gut sent him shifting from side to side, waiting for the man to walk passed before he could try inconspicuously pass him by.
Perhaps this was an absurd plan - somewhat abnormal and only something a man so out of his mind could think of - but Lucerne could promise that this was the first time in days he'd been at least somewhat sober. Fingertips trembled and heart raced uncontrollably so that he could hear the thudding pulsating in his ears like a pulse of a rabbit darting away for its life.
Addy began passing by, Lucerne's bottom lip quivering with uncertainty as eyes followed before he began to follow swiftly behind like a shadow. ❝ Addy - ❞ Lucerne choked the name out as he cut in front of the man in less than no time, shifting eyes quickly searching Addy's features as the other man's face went from surprised to frustrated in moments. ❝ I must talk to you immedia- ❞
❝ Oh, fuck off, Lucerne. ❞
Words were bitter, spat back venomously in Lucerne's face as Addy's eyes were just flames crackling uncontrollably, pushing Lucerne aside and clipping him with his shoulder as he was quick to make his getaway.
Lucerne panicked. Eyes began widening, turning on his heels swiftly as eyes followed Addy's departure. This was oddly enough like watching the life drain from somebody - oh how Lucerne deflated at the sight of Addy leaving again. Lucerne slowly shook his head, lips parting in panic, and then-
❝ I'm trying to get sober. ❞
Addy stopped dead in his tracks.
He appeared hesitant for some time before he slowly turned to look back at Lucerne, brows bunched together and lips parted as he tried to comprehend all that had just been said. Lucerne's shoulders slumped. ❝ What? ❞ Addy questioned, voice far quieter than Lucerne had heard it in a long time.
Lucerne's eyes were desperate, pleading for help as he stared across at Addy. Lip twitched, and Lucerne was quick to lower his eyes in shame, gesturing pathetically to nobody in particular before he continued, ❝ I can't do it anymore... Not now. Not alone. ❞
It appeared that Addy hesitated in that moment, staring down the street across at Lucerne. Deciding whether it was worth letting Lucerne in again. Deciding whether loving Lucerne was love in the form of trust, happiness or commitment, or whether it was giving Lucerne the power to destroy his heart entirely. See, Lucerne knew things - he thought that he understood love, and he that could tell for certain that based on circumstance, love meant different things to different people.
Lucerne just hoped that Addy’s love towards him was the type of love that was also forgiving.
Addy’s lungs deflated in a slow sigh, glancing around briefly before he began to walk back towards Lucerne. Lucerne wanted to smile in that very moment, yet instead he stood reserved and unfaltering, eyes following Addy back to him. Maybe this was his only shot at redemption. Maybe, this would save his life.
How was Lucerne supposed to stop this guilt? In the entirety of his life, guilt rarely welcomed itself into his life… Well, not in the traditional sense. Guilt was the wonderment of what he could’ve done to change the outcome of a situation to make it more beneficial to him. Guilt was a selfish finger pointing towards himself insisting that he was owed his own self-pity for the many mistakes which he’d made. After all, for most of his life, he was alone. He didn’t have people to feel guilt towards, nor did he wish to change that fact.
For the longest of times, he was so assured in refusing people, refusing connection and bond, because people were always trouble in his books. Even down to familial relations - wasn’t this supposed to be the strongest of bonds? - all he had ever felt was the chilling aloofness of men so cold, or the fear that maybe he’d be hurt that day, that week, that month, that year. It was unstable and dangerous - he could never quite tell when or where the next incident would take place, and so he’d spend his life in solitude, cowering away from people.
Perhaps little had changed. Lucerne would, by no means, ever become the socialite with the charming smile, nor even a man friendly enough to greet somebody passing by on the streets. Many would suggest that he was purely too antisocial and cruel, too vile of a robot to ever wish to associate himself with anybody. Maybe it was true to the slightest extent - he wasn’t really the most amiable of people - but he tried. Beneath the exterior of lacking to possess concern for others, regardless of the biting remarks sent in everybody’s direction like shrapnel ricocheting after an explosion, Lucerne was in fact not purposefully mean but quite simply afraid.
He was painfully aware of his awkwardness, unsure of where to tread because the crust of the Earth felt like nothing more than eggshells to walk on. He wasn’t bitter towards life; he was afraid of it. Never had he met a person he could trust as wholeheartedly as Addy. Lucerne couldn’t even place such reliance on his very own brother, the man who grew up trying to protect Lucerne. The man who died trying to protect his brother.
But Addy…
God, Addy was special to him.
Although Lucerne somewhat envied Addy’s mind for being so vacant and free, and sure sometimes Addy’s anger was unjustified in Lucerne’s opinion and made the older man laugh... and all right, perhaps he wasn’t the most intellectually radiant of people, but he most certainly was quite the conductor of light for Lucerne… but Lucerne enjoyed Addy’s company. In fact, he enjoyed Addy’s company a lot.
He enjoyed it enough to feel lost without him and genuine guilt for ever breaking his heart.
And so, the two of them sat in Lucerne’s room, Lucerne bouncing his leg anxiously as he stared at his lap, avoiding Addy’s gaze entirely.
❝ You’re actually serious about this. ❞ Addy stared across at Lucerne, raising his brows ever-so-slightly. The phrase seemed to come across as more of a question than a statement, yet Lucerne wasn’t surprised by Addy’s reservations.
❝ Yup. ❞ Lucerne uttered beneath his breath, popping the P before returning to silence, swallowing hard.
Addy folded his arms across his chest, sighing before tipping his chin downwards, looking to his toes as if they were the most important thing in the room at that moment. ❝ .... Shit. ❞
Slowly, eyes raised from his lap to look at Addy, Lucerne’s body slumping as dull eyes searched his best friend’s face, watching as Addy appeared to be deep in thought - or he quite simply didn’t know what to do with himself in the awkward silence. ❝ I want you to keep me away from them. ❞ Lucerne began, slow to shake his head. ❝ Heroin, morphine… God, uh, opiates in general… Cocaine, too. Um- ❞ He hesitated for a moment, blinking around the room, before he leaned down and pulled out his messenger bag from beneath his bed. Placing it on his lap, he opened it, shaky hands reaching in to pull out several plastic bags and apparatus and dropping it on the bed.
He stared at the accumulation on his bed for a long while. This was what his idea of a friend was for years. He trusted his drugs, felt safe and secure in a high, and sacrificed his world for his addiction. He felt in ways that not even he could describe when he was high and life without it felt impossible. Perhaps this had been his own twisted interpretation of love for all of these years. He was loyal to intoxication.
He was an addict.
He swallowed hard, tipping his head to the side as he looked nostalgically upon the pile on his bed, as if wordlessly he was saying his goodbyes, before he shuffled away from them and quickly closed his bag, handing it over to Addy. ❝ You can have a look to make sure I’ve not kept something I shouldn’t have. I’ll bag all of this… now. I’ll bag it now and hand it to you. ❞ He quickly stood up, scratching about in a room which looked as messy and jumbled up as his mind until finding a small bag which he then picked up and pushed the pile of paraphernalia into it.
He appeared to hold onto it for a second longer than he would’ve liked to, looking into the bag one last time, heart slamming against his chest, before handing it over to Addy.
❝ Shit... I can’t believe this is happening. ❞ Addy sighed, looking into the bag before placing it beside his feet. ❝ The fuck do you want me to do? ❞ He questioned. ❝ You want me to fuckin’ cradle you, too, now? Tell you it’s gonna be okay? … Fuck that. ❞ Then remarking sarcastically, Addy probably thought that his snide would be met with little reply. Or, at least with some reply that he was expecting.
Instead, Lucerne had other ideas. ❝ Well- ❞ He began, Addy lifting his head and blinking in Lucerne’s direction. ❝ I’m going to be staying at yours for the next few days. ❞ Lucerne pointed out wearily, taking a seat back on his bed.
❝ You’re fucking kidding.… So first you want me to stop you from taking your damn drugs, and now you’re inviting yourself to stay at my house? ❞
Lucerne knitted his brows together, tilting his head to the side to have a look at Addy. ❝ Is that an issue? ❞
Addy gawked at him. Then he shut his mouth, nostrils flaring ever-so-slightly as he exhaled a heavy breath before caving. ❝ Yeah, whatever… Anything else, princess? ❞ He uttered, only for Lucerne to huff with laughter beneath his breath, although no smile found its way to his face. No light found its way to his tone.
❝ Yes, actually. ❞ Lucerne uttered, pressing his lips together to form a tight line. Addy shifted his weight, huffing with disbelief.
❝ Are you fucking serious?... Alright. Go on. ❞
Lucerne sucked in a slow breath, refusing to look towards Addy as he gathered his thoughts, before- ❝ I’m… Sorry. ❞ He finally raised his head to look just passed Addy’s shoulder, too nervous to actually make eye contact with him. He appeared dull and lackluster, heart heavy at the thought of ever having hurt Addy. ❝ I hurt you, and I am painfully aware that that is not… very good. Trust me, that realization broke me. ❞ He tried to reason. He hesitated for a moment, shifty eyes averting awkwardly as he looked around the room, clearly uncomfortable by the way his hands were clasped together, fingertips picking away at skin around the nails.
❝ I… It felt important for me to escape from the dull routine of existence, the less fortunate events in my earlier days which lead to… this addiction, as a consequence, I suppose. I thought I’d mention if you were ever wondering. ❞ He shifted nervously, unable to look towards Addy.
A huff came from Addy, Lucerne stiffening before he flitted his gaze up to the other Addy mumbled, ❝ I don’t care right now. Just… C’mere. ❞ Lucerne blinked, hesitating momentarily before slowly pulling himself up to his feet and wandering across the room to Addy, eyes looking down at him quietly. ❝ Don’t touch that shit again... I don’t want you dying on me or something, okay? ❞
Lucerne clicked his tongue gently, heart aching at the subtle worry in Addy’s eyes. ❝ I don’t want to lose you. ❞ He cared about Lucerne a lot, it was peculiar to see especially after all the trouble Lucerne put him through. But, perhaps this was what love looked like. Trust, sacrifice, forgiving, unconditional love. He breathed in shakily, silence filling the room, before Lucerne chose to do the unthinkable.
Taking a step forward, hesitant arms wrapped around Addy’s shoulders, pulling him into a hug. They stood this way for what felt like forever, just feeling and understanding what it felt like to be loved and forgiven. If the silent treatment Addy had given him over the past weeks wasn’t enough to inspire Lucerne to change, then this briefest moment of intimacy was what ensured Lucerne would do all he could to stay true to this promise.
❝ You are such a bastard, you know that? ❞ Addy mumbled, voice muffled against Lucerne’s shoulder.
Lucerne began to smile to himself, hesitating for a moment before pulling away from the hug, subconsciously dusting himself off as he returned softly, ❝ The greatest bastard you know, perhaps. ❞
They exchanged glances, Addy slowly shaking with a growing smile on his lips. Lucerne began to laugh softly beneath his breath, only for Addy to follow suit.
❝ Yeah, whatever you say. ❞
[ a pivotal moment for lucerne & addy - lucerne finally asking for help after keeping his vices a secret for the six years they’ve been best friends for !! we thought it would be sweet to make this for lucerne’s 100th post & addy’s 200th post so… feel free to react to this or whatever ;-) ]
[align=center][div style="width: 350px; text-align: justify; font-family:verdana; font-size: 7px;"][spoiler=tags :: updated 08/13]basics.
⫸ wilhelm lucerne nouvel // no known nicknames
⫸ goes by his middle name, lucerne
⫸ male // he/him
⫸ thirty three // ages real time // born fourteenth february
⫸ medic for the badlands // formerly a loner
⫸ joined BL - twenty first february
appearance.
⫸ faceclaim - benedict cumberbatch
⫸ voice claim - benedict cumberbatch
⫸ speaks with a received pronunciation british accent
⫸ 6'2ft // tall and lithe // very little muscle mass
⫸ cold, china blue eyes and disheveled, dark brunet hair
⫸ physical health - 100%
¬ current injuries: none as of now
⫸ mental health - 70%
¬ has been showing signs of major depressive disorder
personality.
⫸ enigmatic and difficult to understand
⫸ astute and intellectual // generally very logical in his way of thinking
⫸ self-absorbed and overly prideful // massive god complex
⫸ lack of empathy and often insincere // evident sociopathic tendencies
⫸ assertive, blunt and arrogant // strong, unwavering opinions
⫸ analytical and perceptive // often good at figuring things out at breakneck speed
⫸ overly motivated and stubborn // it's often his way or the highway
⫸ chronic boredom, often acts out childishly based on this
⫸ fastidious and a known perfectionist
⫸ unpredictable and notably unhinged // makes it difficult to get on with him
⫸ a total narcissist in many ways
⫸ aloof and incredibly socially awkward // very antisocial in general
⫸ a complete drama queen // incredibly theatrical and melodramatic
⫸ breathes sarcasm // snide and often witty with his quips
⫸ silently a very sensitive and introverted soul // worries about what others think
⫸ self-conscious towards how people react towards him // this makes him withdrawn
relationships.
⫸ wilhelm nouvel x annette nouvel // one older brother [deceased]
⫸ aromantic asexual // not interested in any romance
⫸ owns a dog named faline
⫸ has taken a liking towards addy douglas
¬ sees him as his person
¬ doesn't view their relationship as romantic
¬ loyalty lies with him entirely
interaction.
⫸ storage // playlist // pinterest
⫸ physically: medium // mentally: hard
⫸ owns a pistol but finds the idea of injuring somebody very difficult
⫸ dislikes getting into physical fights as he's not very good at fighting
⫸ would much rather die than kill somebody else
⫸ will be acting out of character as he is still grieving over the loss of his brother
⫸ TW. he is an active drug addict // cocaine, heroin and opioids such as morphine
¬ some interactions with him may be whilst he is under the influence of said drugs
[/spoiler]
[align=center]
I'LL USE YOU AS A WARNING SIGN
[div style="width: 400px; font-family: georgia; text-align: center; font-size: 6pt; line-height: 1; letter-spacing: 1.1px; word-spacing: 0px; margin-bottom: 5px;"]THAT IF YOU TALK ENOUGH SENSE THEN YOU'LL LOSE YOUR MIND
I'LL USE YOU AS A WARNING SIGN
[div style="width: 400px; font-family: georgia; text-align: center; font-size: 6pt; line-height: 1; letter-spacing: 1.1px; word-spacing: 0px; margin-bottom: 5px;"]THAT IF YOU TALK ENOUGH SENSE THEN YOU'LL LOSE YOUR MIND
![[Image: tumblr_pmccsfflEO1vicap8_540.jpg]](https://66.media.tumblr.com/4b239126d4a62689631970df329a2b9c/tumblr_pmccsfflEO1vicap8_540.jpg)
< -- me rn