「 the sky above the rain 」— journal.

[truce.]

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The Observers' Guide To Heartbreak // Journal Entry #1

— I thought that perhaps it would be a good idea to start jotting down my thoughts. Isn't that supposed to help make me feel better about things? Oh, I don't know. But I'll try this anyway and see how it goes. Worst case, somebody will find this and laugh, and I don't really care for that all too much so lets give this a go.

It's been around a month and a half since I joined the Lodge. So far, the company has been really nice. Hayley is good at her job, and Hope is the cutest little baby ever. I've made some really good friends, too, and in a way we all are beginning to resemble a very mismatched and dysfunctional family. But, still a family nonetheless. Lucio is really sweet, I'd say. He called me an angel when I first found him freezing on the mountain, and I can't stop thinking about it. I sometimes don't really understand what he's saying, especially when he speaks in that other language (Is it Spanish? Brazilian isn't a language, is it?) but it doesn't matter because he's got a pretty face and a really sweet personality. I think we'll be able to get along nicely.

If I had to choose a best female friend, I'd have to choose Hayley. No, it isn't because she's one of the only other women at the Lodge that I know so far, but it's because she's been so overwhelmingly kind to me and... It's a nice feeling when someone is kind towards you. She's a really good person, and the perfect leader - even though she's younger than me, I would go as far as say I look up to her. She's such an empowering woman.

Jay is funny. I think I'm growing quite fond of him. Plus, I will forever be convinced that he's like a diamond in the rough; a sweetheart beneath that tough exterior. After all, he's been very kind towards me and I actually really enjoy talking to him. We both have the same passion for horsemanship which is great too, especially since I don't actually know anyone else at the Lodge who feels the same way - I think some day I'll ask if he can teach me a thing or two about horses. That way I'll get to talk to him more.

Last night, Jackson proposed to Hayley. I wasn't there when it happened, but people told me that it was such a beautiful moment and that I probably would've cried with joy. People are beginning to know me too well... But, despite the overwhelming happiness that I felt hearing about the engagement, I couldn't help but feel an all too familiar pang in my chest. My heart breaking all over again. I still miss him every day. I miss everything we had and everything we lost. For two people who were close to making a vow to love one another until the day they died, we are eerily absent from each other's life. I don't think he loves me anymore, but I still love him. I'm always going to love him, though. That's a given.

I don't want a fairytale, Mick; I just want you. You have a place in my heart that no one else could ever have, and now that piece feels like the void that can never be filled again. I feel empty. I'm lost.

Oh, God I'm crying now like the idiot I am, this is getting ridiculous.

...

Okay, so I stopped writing for a moment so I could blow my nose. I'm back now. I've stopped crying. Lets try this again.

All that I wanted to say was that lifetimes ago, it was you. It's still you. It will always be you who my heart lives for. Even when I was upset at you when we broke up, I can never resent you for being honest with me. You can't change who you are. All you can do is accept who you are, like I'm trying to do. If anything, that's all I want you to know. I don't hate you. I still feel the same about you - if you told me to marry you today, I'd still say yes... I just hoped that you could've felt the same way about me. And so, I promise I'm trying my best to stop missing you. To stop needing you. I'm trying to move on from you.

But despite everything, in the silences I still think of you.

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[truce.]

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Words That Water Flowers // Journal Entry #2

— Today I spent most of the afternoon making Valentines Day cards for all of my favorite people in the Lodge. I still need to figure out what I want to actually write in the cards... I just want to make them smile. Valentines Day is a day of feeling loved, so that's what I want to give them! Even if they only are shown a sign of love once on the day, at least somebody will have told them that they are loved, you get me? Because I love everyone here. They're my family. So, let me just plan what I want to say:

Dear Blake,
Happy Valentines Day!
I hope you feel loved and appreciated on Valentine’s Day. Because you are!
Love from,
Ellie ♡

Dear Brendan (and the chicken crew),
Happy Valentines Day!
Hope your day is just as awesome as you are!
Love from,
Ellie ♡

Dear Daniel,
Happy Valentines Day!
Hope your day is filled with reminders of how much you’re loved!
Love from,
Ellie ♡

Dear Eloise, Mable & Dipper,
Happy Valentines Day!
Have fun on Valentine’s Day and don’t eat too much candy, hehe...
Love from,
Ellie ♡

Dear Ezra,
Happy Valentines Day!
I hope your day brings just what you want it to!
Love from,
Ellie ♡

Dear Hayley, Jackson & Baby Hope
Happy Valentines Day!
I couldn’t ask for a more wonderful family than you all.
Love from,
Ellie ♡

Dear Holly,
Happy Valentines Day!
Know what I like about you? Everything!
Love from,
Ellie ♡

Dear Jay,
Happy Valentines Day!
Valentine’s Day and every day, I’m grateful for you.
Lots of love,
Ellie ♡

Dear Lucio,
Happy Valentines Day!
You're always in my heart.
Love from,
Ellie ♡

Dear Micah,
Happy Valentines Day!
Be yourself; no one is better!
Love from,
Ellie ♡

Dearest Mickey,
Happy Valentines Day
Especially today, I hope you feel how much I love you and how grateful I am to have you in my life. You will forever be my always.
Lots and lots of love,
Ellie ♡

Dear Russo,
Happy Valentines Day!
Sending a whole lot of love your way!
Love from,
Ellie ♡

Dear Tomorrow (and the pack),
Happy Valentines Day!
Thanks for being the loyal and caring friend you are. Love you!
Love from,
Ellie ♡

Dear Quinn,
Happy Valentines Day!
I hope you’re feeling really loved today. You are!
Love from,
Ellie ♡

Dear Zayden,
Happy Valentines Day!
Thanks for all you do that makes my life happier (which is a lot!)
Love from,
Ellie ♡

That took ages. But, it was totally worth it. I'm so excited to hand these out to everyone on the day. I hope they like it??

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[truce.]

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What's A Soulmate? // Journal Entry #3

— Happy Valentines Day. Throughout my short time here on earth, I have learned that there is only one true happiness in this life; that is to love and to be loved. The latter is entirely out of my control - it's merely something that I can only hope to find in my lifetime, but I do believe that through my friends here at the Lodge, I am comfortable assuming that perhaps I am still loved. I can only focus on the former point myself, knowing that I can love everyone else as if they were my soulmate. Everyone deserves to feel love. We are all human, after all.

I once had a soulmate. Well, I'm pretty sure I did. I no longer have him now, though, and that makes me sad. But, when I think about it more, I still have him in my heart because I still love him and I think a part of me will always love him. I will love who he is as a person - each and every part of who he is - and I am thankful that he is still in my life, even though we are no longer together. I will love those sweet glimmers of his smile, even though they are now rare, and I will always admire how strong he has always been. I know he hurts and that, whilst he sometimes appears so mechanical, we both still bleed the same way. Most importantly, I know he never meant to hurt me - it's just how life throws its punches.

I will always love him, and I truly believe that he will always be my soulmate, even if we are no longer together. Our souls have interlocked and forever, truly, he will be loved. If not by the entire world, then at least by me. And I hope that that is enough.

Today will be my first Valentines Day in twelve years as a single woman, I almost don't know how I'm supposed to act on such a day. I think I will spend today as a day of self-love and share the adoration around to others in the Lodge. I need to ensure that at least everyone I know will have a reminder of my gratitude towards them, and that they know they will always be in my heart.

Even though I am alone, I know that here I will never be lonely.

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[truce.]

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A Promise // Journal Entry #4

— It is the evening before the wedding when I am writing this. We decorated the little hotel today and it looks absolutely stunning. I think tomorrow is going to be a beautiful day. Though I'm undoubtedly excited for the wedding, a part of me aches. This could have been my wedding. I could have been the wife that Mickey thought he could always see in me. I could have had my happy beginning with my love. Don't mistaken me for having any resentment towards Hayley - of course not, I am so happy for my friend! - but, this wedding is simply hitting home for me. It's still too soon. Whilst my love falls apart, to add insult to injury, I must watch as others around me live the life I could only dream of living.

I cannot be bitter about this, it's unfair on everyone else. Instead, I will have to accept that I will live in the shadow of everyone else's life in order to taste a hint of my dreams. I must accept that this is a fact and accept that I cannot change the path fate has put me on. I need to just face the facts: I will always be loved, but never desired. 

And so... Here is a promise to myself. I promise to always love myself wholly. I don't need validation from anybody else. I don't need a wedding to know that I am loved. I don't need any man to validate my self-worth for me. I don't need him; I just want him. The only person I need in my life is me.

Because I am enough.

[truce.]

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Dust to Earth ... // Journal Entry #5

— Once you think about it, every single one of us will die. Whether you are young or old, happy or sad, fulfilled or empty. Every single one of us will eventually arrive at the same destination. From dust to earth. From earth to morgue. So then why do we burden ourselves with the anxiety, the stress and burden of a life that we do not deserve?

Why must we prove ourselves to others, obsess over the ifs and whens, manifest this and validate that when tomorrow is never guaranteed to us?

Why must we spend days as empty as a vacant vessel or as full of anxiety and hurt like a balloon filled with too much air when even a second from now is not even really ours?

Why can we not be content and loving with our peers, be kind to all others and share our smiles with them?

Why do we wait to say 'I love you' to the ones we adore most and not dedicate our time to surrounding ourselves with people who we appreciate and love when we only have this lifetime to expend?

Most importantly, why do we let ourselves hurt so much? Why do we cry ourselves to sleep some nights, or wallow in the pain of trivial matters?

Why do we break our own hearts?

Because, after all, we all die in the end. Our lives are short and, before we know it, we will be gone. From dust to earth. From earth to morgue.

I have you to thank for this epiphany. Life is too short to spend it in hurt and suffering. Why do we let ourselves suffer so much?

After all, life is not for hurting; it's for living.

[truce.]

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Am I Forgetting or Half-Forgiving? // Journal Entry #6

— I am pregnant. It had always been something which I thought I was born to do. I thought I was supposed to dedicate my life to raising my own children. After all, I've always had a motherly instinct which would guide me through my relationships. All of the kids in Flintlock I helped to take care of, all the animals that I dedicate my time to, family means everything to me and the mere thought of having one of my own made me feel so excited. So why am I so scared?

Even 'scared' was an understatement. Dare I say I actually think I'm a little bit hesitant about what I'd gotten myself into. This was an accidental pregnancy. If it was my choice, I probably would've waited longer with Daniel before ever even considering to speak to him about having a baby. I mean, ideally I would've been married before having a baby, engaged at the very least, but Daniel and I weren't even dating when I fell pregnant. What if we don't work out? I don't want my baby with parents who don't talk. I want them to grow up with loving parents.

How can I do that if I don't even know if Daniel loves me?

He's so, so understanding, a part of me wants to think that he will always be there for me. But, how can I be so sure? Whilst he makes me feel good, he's also makes me feel sick with anxiety some days. He's just so distant and absent sometimes, it makes me doubt that he actually cares about me, let alone loves me. I'm not looking for anyone to mess around with. I'm looking for someone to spend my life with. There's so much that I should be looking forward to, but is Daniel really my forever?

I sure hope he is. I think I've fallen in love with him.

Mick and I aren't talking. I didn't think it would ever be this way, but he was really mad that I was pregnant so soon after the breakup. I'm hurt by his anger, but honestly it's justified. I am hurt and angry but, mainly, I'm humiliated. I did a stupid thing, and I'm stupid for getting myself into this situation. I'm even embarrassed to say that I've cried over it, too. I just can't stop crying. He's so mad at me - I don't think he's ever been so angry at me before. I don't think I've ever hated myself as much as I do now. I've really gone and done a bad thing.

Okay, I'm going to move on before I start crying again. I just miss talking to him, I guess.

On the bright side, Cinders gave birth the other day. A tiny little colt was born, perfectly happy and perfectly healthy. I named him Flame. He's already living up to his name - he's such a firecracker, absolutely crazy but I love him already. I'm thinking of taking him out to pasture with his mamma and Juniper in several days. He deserves the chance to just be the young pony he is.

Most importantly, however, my long-lost brother, Harry, returned to me. I had genuinely thought for the life of me he'd died, but turns out there was a lot that that stupid gang had kept hidden from me. I'm glad I'm out of that toxic environment now, and I am so glad my beautiful brother is back, but I'm beginning to doubt everything I once thought about the Carbines. I'm beginning to doubt everything I once thought about Mick.

But I guess that shouldn't matter anymore. It doesn't look like he wants to speak to me again anyway.

I'm getting tired now and I really should be heading to bed so... I'll speak about this more another time. Night xoxo