03-09-2017, 01:27 AM
[align=center][div style="width: 450px;; text-align: justify"][size=9pt]Circusclown had been quietly writing in his journal about a short story as he continued to learn vocabulary, toes covered in ink, specifically the paw he was using to write with. It had been a decently peaceful day - nobody had bothered him, and he was ready to go to bed in a few hours, maybe a few drinks too. The last time he had gotten drunk he had torn out a few of the pages though, so he had began to hide stuff like that. Probably wouldn't stop him though. It was a shame, how attached he was to alcohol - it had started as something simply to clear away any sort of pain, though it had became a major problem as he now enjoyed it more then anything. He was just attached to it.
It sort of hurt, when he looked at himself closely. He became the opposite of what he wanted to be. He became addicted like his parents did, he became a murderer just like his dad wanted, and he had the same cynical and chaotic attitude. Everything he didn't want to be, he was it. Truthfully he didn't know whether to be infuriated or sad, though he had made no effort to stop it. The only difference between his father and him was how he was such a pessimist, his father being an optimist. He's never understood the people who like to pretend everything is fine, when it isn't. Those types drove him damn insane. Nobody knew whether the next day would be a better one or not, and nobody could simply tell him to open up. They expected everyone to be kind and happy and cheery.
Though, maybe that was him just being delusional. Really, he didn't have anything left but Cyrus - he was alone, something he never expected as his family grew in The Exiles. Though, even if he had family would it fix these dwindling feelings he had? It hadn't when he did - even when he had everyone, he always did have that hole in him. He never had gotten full validation, even when it was constantly given to him. Though, he had been quick to feel even worse when he discovered how it was a lie - everybody hated him when he left, for no reason. He constantly tried to figure out how he had betrayed them, when he had despised fighting them and had been as pacifistic as he could be. It wasn't easy to be kind when dealing with assholes, though.
Often his thoughts of his former family that had turned their backs turned from sad to angry, and it always managed to boil his blood. There was a reason why most of his short stories were about loss and betrayal, because often his thoughts went back to the past and it transferred onto the page. Even if they had been real, even if they had cared about him though... Nobody could replace what was lost, could it? Perhaps a vase or a cup, but when vases broke they had memories attached to them, memories of the people who were around them and touched them. Nothing could be replaced. He had learned that the hard way, when he had continually tried to get over the death of his daughter by adopting other children, and trying to imagine his granddaughter as her mother. Though, he eventually just had to let go. He had to stop dwelling on it. It hadn't been as hard as it had been the first three months to stop thinking about Weddingpaw, but even now he still thought of her. And he thought of the hat she had given him, that he would never have again. It had been lost here, and it had made him feel very bitter. His only memory of his little girl, it was gone.
Though, once more he was trying not to think about it. How did the mind take off so? It went so far, thinking about what he was going to do and suddenly he was thinking with frustration. Weird. He had always been somewhat curious by how others thought, though not enough to pry at them and torture them anymore. The guard looked almost peaceful right now, not as tense as he seemed to always be. Though, he was always keeping a look out. Even when there wasn't danger, sounds often made him twitch whether it be with agitation or fear, and sometimes it even caused him to think back on... Very unpleasant memories. Clearing his throat as the thought began to bother him, his pressure on the page would get subconsciously harder.
[spoiler=tags]
general ; "drink up baby"
★ circusclown disharmony | nicknames are circ and clown, former names are breadstick, uglyclown and clown | male [ he/him ]
two years three months physically and mentally | born november 13th, 2014 | ages realtime
guard of shadowclan | former exiles leader and blizzardclan head combatant (feralfront)
discord disharmony x npc | generation 2 | head of disharmony family | only loyal to family
demisexual | panromantic | crush unknown | afraid of being in a relationship
has ptsd, alcoholism and depression | will have flashbacks or panic attacks if he: sees overwhelmingly fast moving yellow or cyan colors, him feeling or touching bark, hearing someone with a distorted voice, feeling any type of unexpected rough contact, and having limited moving space
appearance ; "stay up all night"
★ domestic cat | always scowling | always smells strongly of alcohol
he is a light brown feline who has a lot of fluffy fur that's often tangled up covered in dirt and dust, and it also feels very greasy and gross. his head is lacking of the light brown color, and is completely white. he has a scar on the left side of his face, which has a stitched up glasgow smile meeting up with the scar. the other side of his face shares a glasgow smile, which is also stitched together. he has only one eye left which is the right one, and it is a dull blue almost lifeless color that seems to be bagging all the time due to exhaustion. the side of his face which has no eye has stitches on the top of his eye, and his eyelid is often closed over the eye socket that's still there, though it can be open if he is surprised or scared by something. [ reference ].
personality ; "with the things you could do"
★ chaotic neutral | anti-hero | the cynic
 cynical, insensitive, pessimistic, crude, hostile, family-oriented, overprotective, unpredictable
with a quick look at circusclown, somebody would probably be able to quickly dismiss him due to him having common disinterest, distantness or unnecessary complaints about everything. he rarely has anything positive to say or do, and will come off as a very dull person who wants nothing more then for others to go away. he is very unpredictable and capricious in behavior, and can with ease be watching with a bored expression and the next be a violent creature someone should steer clear of. despite the unpredictable nature, he is quick to make a decision he won't regret - he is never unsure about his decisions, which only worsens his unpredictable behavior. he is extremely cynical and pessimistic, and has a continual feeling of mistrust and pessimistic thoughts of the outcome of every situation. he has a tendency to be very vulgar, constantly with gross behaviors like burping and swearing. he has a tendency to be very unfriendly or harsh to others, and he is rarely sensitive unless in a good mood or if he enjoys somebodies company. he is at heart however, a genuine and sweet person who just wants to have a large family, but feels it is impossible due to his self-destructive alcoholic behaviors and is simply frightened that he'd be taken advantage of if he was to.
interaction ; "you won't but you might"
★ hard physically | hard mentally | attack in #c68ee2
doesn't like unnecessary death or etc | will start fights | will fight back | will flee if family is protected | will not surrender
might capture if family is threatened | might torture if family is threatened | will kill if family is threatened
trained to fight | has little to no medical knowledge
air elementals  discovered  can't control properly - if something triggers him it will go off
power  un / discovered  control of power: 000%[/spoiler]
It sort of hurt, when he looked at himself closely. He became the opposite of what he wanted to be. He became addicted like his parents did, he became a murderer just like his dad wanted, and he had the same cynical and chaotic attitude. Everything he didn't want to be, he was it. Truthfully he didn't know whether to be infuriated or sad, though he had made no effort to stop it. The only difference between his father and him was how he was such a pessimist, his father being an optimist. He's never understood the people who like to pretend everything is fine, when it isn't. Those types drove him damn insane. Nobody knew whether the next day would be a better one or not, and nobody could simply tell him to open up. They expected everyone to be kind and happy and cheery.
Though, maybe that was him just being delusional. Really, he didn't have anything left but Cyrus - he was alone, something he never expected as his family grew in The Exiles. Though, even if he had family would it fix these dwindling feelings he had? It hadn't when he did - even when he had everyone, he always did have that hole in him. He never had gotten full validation, even when it was constantly given to him. Though, he had been quick to feel even worse when he discovered how it was a lie - everybody hated him when he left, for no reason. He constantly tried to figure out how he had betrayed them, when he had despised fighting them and had been as pacifistic as he could be. It wasn't easy to be kind when dealing with assholes, though.
Often his thoughts of his former family that had turned their backs turned from sad to angry, and it always managed to boil his blood. There was a reason why most of his short stories were about loss and betrayal, because often his thoughts went back to the past and it transferred onto the page. Even if they had been real, even if they had cared about him though... Nobody could replace what was lost, could it? Perhaps a vase or a cup, but when vases broke they had memories attached to them, memories of the people who were around them and touched them. Nothing could be replaced. He had learned that the hard way, when he had continually tried to get over the death of his daughter by adopting other children, and trying to imagine his granddaughter as her mother. Though, he eventually just had to let go. He had to stop dwelling on it. It hadn't been as hard as it had been the first three months to stop thinking about Weddingpaw, but even now he still thought of her. And he thought of the hat she had given him, that he would never have again. It had been lost here, and it had made him feel very bitter. His only memory of his little girl, it was gone.
Though, once more he was trying not to think about it. How did the mind take off so? It went so far, thinking about what he was going to do and suddenly he was thinking with frustration. Weird. He had always been somewhat curious by how others thought, though not enough to pry at them and torture them anymore. The guard looked almost peaceful right now, not as tense as he seemed to always be. Though, he was always keeping a look out. Even when there wasn't danger, sounds often made him twitch whether it be with agitation or fear, and sometimes it even caused him to think back on... Very unpleasant memories. Clearing his throat as the thought began to bother him, his pressure on the page would get subconsciously harder.
[spoiler=tags]
general ; "drink up baby"
★ circusclown disharmony | nicknames are circ and clown, former names are breadstick, uglyclown and clown | male [ he/him ]
two years three months physically and mentally | born november 13th, 2014 | ages realtime
guard of shadowclan | former exiles leader and blizzardclan head combatant (feralfront)
discord disharmony x npc | generation 2 | head of disharmony family | only loyal to family
demisexual | panromantic | crush unknown | afraid of being in a relationship
has ptsd, alcoholism and depression | will have flashbacks or panic attacks if he: sees overwhelmingly fast moving yellow or cyan colors, him feeling or touching bark, hearing someone with a distorted voice, feeling any type of unexpected rough contact, and having limited moving space
appearance ; "stay up all night"
★ domestic cat | always scowling | always smells strongly of alcohol
he is a light brown feline who has a lot of fluffy fur that's often tangled up covered in dirt and dust, and it also feels very greasy and gross. his head is lacking of the light brown color, and is completely white. he has a scar on the left side of his face, which has a stitched up glasgow smile meeting up with the scar. the other side of his face shares a glasgow smile, which is also stitched together. he has only one eye left which is the right one, and it is a dull blue almost lifeless color that seems to be bagging all the time due to exhaustion. the side of his face which has no eye has stitches on the top of his eye, and his eyelid is often closed over the eye socket that's still there, though it can be open if he is surprised or scared by something. [ reference ].
personality ; "with the things you could do"
★ chaotic neutral | anti-hero | the cynic
 cynical, insensitive, pessimistic, crude, hostile, family-oriented, overprotective, unpredictable
with a quick look at circusclown, somebody would probably be able to quickly dismiss him due to him having common disinterest, distantness or unnecessary complaints about everything. he rarely has anything positive to say or do, and will come off as a very dull person who wants nothing more then for others to go away. he is very unpredictable and capricious in behavior, and can with ease be watching with a bored expression and the next be a violent creature someone should steer clear of. despite the unpredictable nature, he is quick to make a decision he won't regret - he is never unsure about his decisions, which only worsens his unpredictable behavior. he is extremely cynical and pessimistic, and has a continual feeling of mistrust and pessimistic thoughts of the outcome of every situation. he has a tendency to be very vulgar, constantly with gross behaviors like burping and swearing. he has a tendency to be very unfriendly or harsh to others, and he is rarely sensitive unless in a good mood or if he enjoys somebodies company. he is at heart however, a genuine and sweet person who just wants to have a large family, but feels it is impossible due to his self-destructive alcoholic behaviors and is simply frightened that he'd be taken advantage of if he was to.
interaction ; "you won't but you might"
★ hard physically | hard mentally | attack in #c68ee2
doesn't like unnecessary death or etc | will start fights | will fight back | will flee if family is protected | will not surrender
might capture if family is threatened | might torture if family is threatened | will kill if family is threatened
trained to fight | has little to no medical knowledge
air elementals  discovered  can't control properly - if something triggers him it will go off
power  un / discovered  control of power: 000%[/spoiler]
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oh who would ever want to be king