[size=8pt][font=verdana]she stumbled forward, eyes fixated on the path ahead of her that would bring her even closer to the ones she wanted to see, the ones she had left some time ago. she had eyes and ears everywhere in the spirit world, and they brought her back vital information on those she wanted to watch from a safe distance and they had kept her up to date on things that were happening, although her memory had been fuzzy lately, to say the least.

She was now shambling forwards, a bloodied bandaged wrapped around her head and hanging off the right side of her face. the ones she held so near to her heart, they had all forgotten about her and they didn't want her anymore. they didn't want her to come back, because after all, she had left them to go find her lost loved ones. loved ones who were dead and who weren't coming back.

she knew that now, that they were long gone and never returning to her. she would never see them again or get to hold them again, or get to look into their eyes to see if they were lying to her.

Finally. She had reached the camp, and skirted a cabin only to stop in her tracks, body stumbling for a second as her momentum halted. He was right there, dozing as the weak evening sunset bathed him in golden light. Her voice was quiet as she choked out a single word: “circ.”

Circusclown had been half-asleep, ears perked ready to jump up at any moment. The softest voice that said his name was enough to make his eyes blink open a little, when he saw a bandaged ghost. It had been ages since he’d heard her voice, and it was a dead giveaway. She looked like she’d been through a lot from a brief look at her. He hadn’t expressed his shock quite yet, because it took a few seconds for it to sink in. Studying the lilac eyes and the bandages, he’d suddenly choke out. “F-Fare?” He wasn’t really the type to act so shocked, but this was really quite a scare for him. After all, he hadn’t seen his former superior in… Ages.

”Fare - were you - Fare what the hell happened to you, where’ve you been?” Circusclown would question, though his words were so fast and bunched together, making it somewhat hard to understand him. He couldn’t help it though - he’s been overwhelmed lately, with the disappearance of food, and leading, and in general just having to be assertive again. He had wanted Fare to come back, he had wished so hard sometimes she and him had switched places, that he was her assistant and that she was still around.

Fare was quiet for a few moments, listening to the gasping words falling out of the other’s mouth. A frown was tugging at her own lips, her mouth opening just a bit to expel words catapulted from her heaving chest. “you’re still here, you’re still here, you’re still… here!” she got out, taking a couple steps forward in order to be closer to him. she pushed her head against his shoulder, gently, tears beginning to fill her eyes. “y-you weren’t supposed to see me, i’m sorry.”

As Circusclown stared in confusion, his heart was beating faster than it usually was and he didn’t even know what to say, though as she responded he instantly thought of what he should say. ”Fare - yes! Yes, Belladonna’s here too, she’s still around - and… There’s so many new Shadowclanners here - you should…” As she came closer he hesitated a little, unsure of whether he should step back or something else. As her head was against his shoulder, he’d nervously look down at her.

Not supposed to… What? ”No - no, I want to see you! I want you to stay, and to help me!” He was feeling overcome with emotions, things he hadn’t felt in a long time. His paws were shaking, chest heaving up and down in his excitement as he’d look around. ”I don’t understand - what the hell’s going on? What’s wrong? What happened? Are you going to leave?” It was implied she hadn’t planned to stay when she apologized. He almost wanted to tell her that she should be sorry - that she just ditched Shadowclan, leaving this workload on him, leaving him alone. Yet, he didn’t have the heart to right now.

Her paws skittered backward, hauling herself away from him with lilac optics panicked. “no, you don’t understand! I have to go! I can’t stay here, it’s not meant for me here yet! You don’t…. You don’t understand, circ. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry! I have to go, i can’t stay in this world for long or else i really will become one of them!”

As she moved away he would instantly step forward, his form tense and teeth grinding with anger as she spoke to him. ”I don’t understand! I can help you, just tell me what’s wrong! Tell me what the fuck you’ve been so busy with! You just disappeared, and now you’re back all messed up and crap.” He was nearly shouting now, his torn ears pinned back dull blue eye clearly laced with frustration. His claws were unsheathed though it wouldn’t help much, he almost seemed to feel threatened at this point.

She immediately dropped into a crouch when his claws unsheathed, a loud snarl ripping suddenly and fiercely from her throat. She would not let the lives inside her get extinguished by anyone. “hey! you better step the hell off, man! Calm the fuck down, circ! I won’t tolerate this type of shit! I didn’t when i was leader and i won’t now! It’s none of your damn business where i am or what i’m doing, alright?” she snapped, slowly raising herself back up to full height, partially twisting herself as to protect an attack if it were to be aimed at her stomach. Her form wavered for a few drawn-out moments, her face morphing into one of shock and outrage. “no! Cabeswater, non nunc! obsecro, mihi tempus!” [i](not now! please, give me more time!) she pleaded - no, hissed -, reaching within her to try and feel the ley line. She was too far away from it, too far, too far, too far. She could feel the echoes, feel cabeswater pressing leaves up to her face before dissolving, uttering one word in latin: festina. [/i](hurry.)

She sucked in a breath and tried to collect herself, tried to make herself calmer. And then, she said words she could never take back. “just because i love you doesn’t mean you can threaten me.”

As she snarled at him, his eye only flared with more rage than before. His lips were pulled back to expose his sharp fangs, and the wind around him was getting intense as his fur began to blow forward. He was losing control - he was losing his temper. “Unfortunately for you, you aren’t the leader anymore. I’m the leader, I’m who is in charge, you can’t tell me what the hell to do, and I -” He cut himself off as she said something peculiar. Cabeswater? The hell? She was speaking another language, he had considered it might be her just cursing him out or something.

Though, her next words left him a little shaken. Love him? As if… As if. After letting those words sink in for a few seconds the wind around him only picked up more, and his eye narrowed. “Leave, and don’t come back unless you want to stay.” Circusclown would order, the tone of his voice much more stern than it was angry trying to keep his voice flat. He remained calm, though inwardly that contradicted his outer expression and stare. He wasn’t going to take this - he refused to just sit there and listen to her, as if she had some sort of connection to him after she basically ditched him.

She listened. She listened as he hurled sentences and syllables at her, spit out accusing words and phrases. And once he was done, she turned. She turned without a word and nodded to herself, as if affirming something she’d known all along. In the end, she simply murmured, “i’ll come back when i’m ready. I miss you, and i’ll… i’ll be back.”

Her words were whisper soft, her body sagging as her limp became more pronounced upon her departure. Everything about her drooped, deflated, all the breath stolen from her lungs just like it had been at the moment of her death, getting her head smashed in with the end of a skateboard for a “sacrifice”. She missed gansey, she wanted gansey.

She was far away from shadowclan and deep in cabeswaer’s trees before she finally settled herself down on a bed of green grass and quietly slid from time.

After she was gone, her voice remained, an echo of what once was. “i’m sorry i couldn’t stay.”