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+----- Thread: tell me what yall think of this so far!! (/showthread.php?tid=17261)
tell me what yall think of this so far!! - dannychan - 09-07-2018
so, I'm trying to get as much advice on this story as i can, but this is the basic premise of it: an adventurer thinks he's at the end of his journey but is proved wrong multiple times. the characters are unnamed rn but this is just the first version!! i put the wrong version i’m an idiot
Chapter One
The bitter wind blew against his face as he drug his feet through the snow, the bleak white landscape offering him no warmth. No sun shone through the dark storm clouds above him, hail beating down against his cranium. His fur hood offered no protection from the onslaught of ice that mercilessly rained from the heavens. He felt that there was no hope that he’d survive this storm, having already lost all feeling in his feet.
A sharp, short grunt escaped the man as he felt his knees give way underneath him. What was the point of continuing on? He was lost, freezing, starving. It would be a miracle if he survived. Looking down upon glove covered hands, his fingers would curl into fists.
He didn't understand why he had been chosen to take part in this quest, but he knew he couldn't let them down. Taking long, deep breaths, he would slowly push himself to his feet and nod. He could do this. he had no choice but to do this. He had to do this, no matter what he felt, but it all just seemed so hopeless..
Giving up hope seemed so easy, just like taking a step. Just one foot in front of the other. Lifting a foot from the snow, he would take a step, listening to the crunching of the ice under his boot, feeling a smaller piece of hail collide with his forehead, a soft yelp leaving his mouth.
No, he decided. This was useless.
He slumped back down, letting the hail beat against his body and cause bruises to form. Trembling breaths left him as he coiled his fingers into the snow. He had given up, convinced himself that there was nothing he could do. His spirits had been crushed by nature, much like many of the adventures that had taken on this quest before him, going back millions upon millions of years.
Tears fogged his vision, nearly freezing as soon as they formed- luckily, they didn't.
A shout in the distance made his tears seize their downpour, and he would look up to see the glow of fire growing closer and closer to him. Someone had seen him, someone who knew this decollete wasteland far more than he did. He couldn't quite make out their calls, but they were panicked, shrieks of horror.
What could this person be so scared of? Trying to focus on the figure, he wouldn't notice that the hail that had been drubbing against his form had come to a sudden stop. As the shouts grew closer, he could finally make out a single word, very simple instructions.
Run.
Craning his neck, he would find himself staring at a creature that loomed above him. The creature was nearly invisible in the flurry of snow and hail that came raining from the clouds. Ss it drew back its lips, he could see its sharp, crimson-stained teeth- no doubt the blood of young adventurers like him.
Scrambling to his feet, he would start to sprint towards the light. He hoped that this random person, this speck on the horizon, would be able to help him somehow. The creature began to chase after him, jaw parting in a mighty roar that caused a pounding in his temples. He would stumble and scream as he ran, which only seemed to make this monstrous creature even angrier.
As he grew closer to the light, he saw some form of a dome in the distance, and he was sprinting right for it. A magical barrier, he realized, so he tried his hardest to speed up, digging his feet into the snow in order to gain more momentum.
Launching himself towards the barrier, he would feel a sudden rush of warm air hit his face, his hood flying off of his head. behind him, he heard a loud *thunk* and a muffled roar from the monster as it collided with the magical barrier. Turning towards the creature, he would note the wolf-like features, the piercing red eyes, muscles rippling under its thick ivory coat.
Gasping for air, the adventurer would brace his hands against his knees, leaning over in an attempt to catch his breath. His heart pounded against his chest, side stitching as he tried to calm his pulse, adrenaline still pumping through his veins.
The adventurer felt something land on his shoulder, something warm and humanoid- it was a feeling he quite missed. Spinning around to look at whoever had touched him, he would find his savior. Another man, maybe a few years older than he, blue eyes gazing down at him with worry. The adventurer would take a moment to take in the sight of the man in front of him- tall, tanned, dark hair that was formed into a long braid.
The adventurer quickly realized who this man was, and felt his breath catch in his throat.
"By the gods, you're-!" He was cut off quickly by a hand going over his mouth.
"Haven't got time for this just yet, adventurer. just follow me and stay silent. do not make a single found or I'll lop your tongue off with a butter knife." The man would threaten, making the adventurer's face heat up.
This man was a man of legend, a man who he strived to be. In the stories, they just referred to him as 'the Original', having not known the true name of the man that had founded the adventurers guild many millions of years ago..
But that can't be possible, thought the adventurer. It had been three million years! how could he possibly be alive?
Despite having hundreds of questions running through his mind, he would obey his orders and follow the Original to wherever he decided to take him, lips seals shut so he didn't lose his tongue.
Taking this chance to take in his surroundings he would realize that he had made it and that his quest would be done. He had found paradise, and he could go home! But what of the beat that paced in the snow just outside the barrier, he asked himself. How could he ever get home to tell the others that he had found the paradise that the Original had founded millions of years ago?
In the distance, he saw tiny dots of yellow, candle light shining through windows of homes, a town. The Original would stop in his tracks and stab his torch into the ground so he would no longer have to hold it. "Adventurer, what do you see?" The Original inquired, pointing to the town, the little yellow spots that dotted the horizon.
"I see.. What I was told was Paradise." The adventurer responded, tilting his head.
The Original would turn his gaze to the young adventurer, the firelight from the torch below illuminating every feature, casting shadows across his face where the light couldn't touch.
"We are far from Paradise."
The bitter wind blew against his face as he drug his feet through the snow, the bleak white landscape offering him no warmth. No sun shone through the dark storm clouds above him, hail beating down against his cranium. His fur hood offered no protection from the onslaught of ice that mercilessly rained from the heavens. He felt that there was no hope that he’d survive this storm, having already lost all feeling in his feet.
A sharp, short grunt escaped the man as he felt his knees give way underneath him. What was the point of continuing on? He was lost, freezing, starving. It would be a miracle if he survived. Looking down upon glove covered hands, his fingers would curl into fists.
He didn't understand why he had been chosen to take part in this quest, but he knew he couldn't let them down. Taking long, deep breaths, he would slowly push himself to his feet and nod. He could do this. he had no choice but to do this. He had to do this, no matter what he felt, but it all just seemed so hopeless..
Giving up hope seemed so easy, just like taking a step. Just one foot in front of the other. Lifting a foot from the snow, he would take a step, listening to the crunching of the ice under his boot, feeling a smaller piece of hail collide with his forehead, a soft yelp leaving his mouth.
No, he decided. This was useless.
He slumped back down, letting the hail beat against his body and cause bruises to form. Trembling breaths left him as he coiled his fingers into the snow. He had given up, convinced himself that there was nothing he could do. His spirits had been crushed by nature, much like many of the adventures that had taken on this quest before him, going back millions upon millions of years.
Tears fogged his vision, nearly freezing as soon as they formed- luckily, they didn't.
A shout in the distance made his tears seize their downpour, and he would look up to see the glow of fire growing closer and closer to him. Someone had seen him, someone who knew this decollete wasteland far more than he did. He couldn't quite make out their calls, but they were panicked, shrieks of horror.
What could this person be so scared of? Trying to focus on the figure, he wouldn't notice that the hail that had been drubbing against his form had come to a sudden stop. As the shouts grew closer, he could finally make out a single word, very simple instructions.
Run.
Craning his neck, he would find himself staring at a creature that loomed above him. The creature was nearly invisible in the flurry of snow and hail that came raining from the clouds. Ss it drew back its lips, he could see its sharp, crimson-stained teeth- no doubt the blood of young adventurers like him.
Scrambling to his feet, he would start to sprint towards the light. He hoped that this random person, this speck on the horizon, would be able to help him somehow. The creature began to chase after him, jaw parting in a mighty roar that caused a pounding in his temples. He would stumble and scream as he ran, which only seemed to make this monstrous creature even angrier.
As he grew closer to the light, he saw some form of a dome in the distance, and he was sprinting right for it. A magical barrier, he realized, so he tried his hardest to speed up, digging his feet into the snow in order to gain more momentum.
Launching himself towards the barrier, he would feel a sudden rush of warm air hit his face, his hood flying off of his head. behind him, he heard a loud *thunk* and a muffled roar from the monster as it collided with the magical barrier. Turning towards the creature, he would note the wolf-like features, the piercing red eyes, muscles rippling under its thick ivory coat.
Gasping for air, the adventurer would brace his hands against his knees, leaning over in an attempt to catch his breath. His heart pounded against his chest, side stitching as he tried to calm his pulse, adrenaline still pumping through his veins.
The adventurer felt something land on his shoulder, something warm and humanoid- it was a feeling he quite missed. Spinning around to look at whoever had touched him, he would find his savior. Another man, maybe a few years older than he, blue eyes gazing down at him with worry. The adventurer would take a moment to take in the sight of the man in front of him- tall, tanned, dark hair that was formed into a long braid.
The adventurer quickly realized who this man was, and felt his breath catch in his throat.
"By the gods, you're-!" He was cut off quickly by a hand going over his mouth.
"Haven't got time for this just yet, adventurer. just follow me and stay silent. do not make a single found or I'll lop your tongue off with a butter knife." The man would threaten, making the adventurer's face heat up.
This man was a man of legend, a man who he strived to be. In the stories, they just referred to him as 'the Original', having not known the true name of the man that had founded the adventurers guild many millions of years ago..
But that can't be possible, thought the adventurer. It had been three million years! how could he possibly be alive?
Despite having hundreds of questions running through his mind, he would obey his orders and follow the Original to wherever he decided to take him, lips seals shut so he didn't lose his tongue.
Taking this chance to take in his surroundings he would realize that he had made it and that his quest would be done. He had found paradise, and he could go home! But what of the beat that paced in the snow just outside the barrier, he asked himself. How could he ever get home to tell the others that he had found the paradise that the Original had founded millions of years ago?
In the distance, he saw tiny dots of yellow, candle light shining through windows of homes, a town. The Original would stop in his tracks and stab his torch into the ground so he would no longer have to hold it. "Adventurer, what do you see?" The Original inquired, pointing to the town, the little yellow spots that dotted the horizon.
"I see.. What I was told was Paradise." The adventurer responded, tilting his head.
The Original would turn his gaze to the young adventurer, the firelight from the torch below illuminating every feature, casting shadows across his face where the light couldn't touch.
"We are far from Paradise."