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+----- Thread: and they go, i hate to say i told you so - writing (/showthread.php?tid=2017)
Re: and they go, i hate to say i told you so - writing - Legends - 07-25-2017
[align=center][div style="0px; width:400px; height:auto; text-align: justify; font-size: 8pt; line-height:13px;"]jounral entry no. 2 / this feels unneeded and maybe i'm being melodramtic
9:45 - I've wanted to cry all day, well, for the past seven hours. I drove B to a friend's house and that calmed me down a bit but god why won't this all stop. Most days I hate what I see in the mirror and what I look at. I can't stand being the victim of such a cliche dilemma. Honestly, I thought I was almost somewhat exempt, but here I am, writing this from my phone, alone in my car, blaring fall out boy at the top of a hill in a rich neighborhood. And as romantic as this sounds, its isolation at its finest. But it's not romantic, sure the sunsets pretty but the blue sky that follows is empty and familiar in an annoying way. I'm afraid to dump this on any my friends because one has her own shit she's going through and dumps it on me, one we don't talk about this kinda of thing too often and plus she tend to only downgrade herself, and the other it feels weird to tell how shit I feel. I can't stand feeling this lump of emotional concoction inside my stomach and it's just sitting there. I want to cry and scream at the same time but I don't even know if that will help. I want to shower the depression off of me and climb into bed and simply hope tomorrow will be better. And I feel like I can't talk to Connie about this because it's such an overdone issue. I hate it. I need to talk to her, she's supposed to help me but we keep focusing on me and my relationships with mom and dad, but while we're doing that I'm burning myself down from the inside with an issue I'm afraid to address. I wasn't always this way, and some days it's not too bad or hardly there at all, but ever since B starting growing up and working out, he seems like the better-looking sibling, and it feels like he always has been, even though I'm sure don't believe that that was always true. Where I've been awkward and absorbed in books or some other media, he was outgoing and made his whole class laugh. I was always B's sister to the younger kids in middle school and when I finally thought I grew out of my title, here it is again. His vibrato is even better than mine. The piece he played for Grandpa sounded twice as good as mine and I'm supposed to be the slightly more advanced one. I feel like my identity has been reduced to the lesser sibling. god it's such a clusterfuck of things wrong right now I don't know where to begin. I try to cry but the tears down come, I try to scream but it feels like I'm faking it, I try repression and it's only as useful as the short sugar rush from a candy bar. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I should take care of myself and better myself but I can't tell if I'd be doing for my benefit or for the benefit of stamping out the insecurities society informed me I have now. Maybe this is the post trip depression and all of this is just the fall from the high of being on the road and away from home in places much less boring than here. I don't even know. I have hardly any idea where this is coming from or how to fix it. I don't even know what It is. I don't know what to fucking do and I want to talk to people but it feels like I'm searching for validation. I want to tell my friends but it feels like I'm dumping on them. I want someone to just ask me if I'm doing okay because maybe they noticed that I'm not 100% right now. Or maybe this is all in my head and I'm faking for the aesthetic. I DONT FUCKING KNOW. AND THAT'S THE WORST FUCKING PART.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
2:00 - It's been a couple hours since I wrote that in my car on the hill. The lump is still there, but it has been subdued for now. I went and ate ice cream and F's house, and we just hung out till 11:45 and talked about the trailers coming out of comic con and bo burnham. It was a nice way to chill out and calm down. The drive back was calming. Although, when I got home I realized how stressed and busy I'll be tomorrow and that's put me off. I just need to find a way out if this. I'll finish my movie and then go to bed. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better.
Re: and they go, i hate to say i told you so - writing - Legends - 08-02-2017
[align=center][div style="0px; width:400px; height:auto; text-align: justify; font-size: 8pt; line-height:13px;"]quotes from a depressed mediocure violinst / i wrote these at camp
i've actually said or thought a lot of these
"Are you crying?"
"No..."
"What's wrong then?"
"Their piece was so good, and mine was so bad"
"My god. Her piece was seven minutes long and she had the whole thing memorized. How did she do it ? ... oh yeah, talent"
"I haven't practiced in two days"
Same. I haven't practiced all week and I have an orchestra concert monday, a lesson on Tuesday, and a recital this Saturday
*teacher seen a year ago makes me work on the same technique....from a year ago*
*watches a 10 year old perform a song that i only just started learning and still haven't completed* shit.
Says these to my mom while crying
Mom: don't compare yourself to them
Me: compares my self to them
sitting alone in my room watching Netflix:
"I should practice violin right now"
does not practice violin
Why haven't you practiced:
Excuse
Excuse
Excuse
Excuse
Why haven't I advanced?
Because you don't practice, you undedicated idiot
"A little girl basically half my age just got up there and played a Bach concerto. I playing a song from book 4 that I was on a year ago. What the fuck am I even doing here."
"I haven't practiced the music all semester...and the concerts tomorrow, I'll be fine"
I'm not cut out for this.
"For this what?"
This instrument
I should've practiced that
"That sounded great"
It certainly did not
"That sounds really good"
Don't patronize me, that was a scale
Re: and they go, i hate to say i told you so - writing - woodsy - 08-03-2017
I wish I could play violin,'pal
So honestly as long as you can read sheet music without thinking about it and can move your bow
I'm super impressed and you're goals
And ey
Maybe playing isn't your strength or violin isn't, but maybe you're talented at composing or another instrument?
Re: and they go, i hate to say i told you so - writing - Legends - 08-03-2017
haha thank you woodsy babe
since i wrote those i actually found out my technique has improved so so so much over the past year so im actually okay with not advancing song wise
awwww you always make me feel so valued
actually, i'm starting piano soon lowkey because of daniel howell, also because of one of my best friends who can play the most beautiful music on the piano so that means i can play three things: violin, uke (even though i'm really not too good on that either), and soon piano
Re: and they go, i hate to say i told you so - writing - Legends - 08-19-2017
[align=center][div style="0px; width:400px; height:auto; text-align: justify; font-size: 8pt; line-height:13px;"]journal entry no.3 / well this sucks
the anxiety has lasted three days thus far. i've never had a sickness like this that stays stuck in my system this long. my stomach turns and hurts like it's being twisted in knots. my insides feel like they are expanding like balloons and i just want them to pop so that the pain goes away. my breathing feels forced and only helps for the brief second that i am not focusing on the fact that i feel like a museum goer looking at an interactive exhibit of myself.i go through the daily routine of school work and bed times and youtube watching and tv show reference making but when i'm alone with my brain there's a feeling of glass. like i'm no longer in control. that i just go through the motions but it's the same routine with no variation and no choice and i simply comply.
i finally told my therapist about my indecisiveness to put a label on my sexuality and then instantly regretted it. we focus a lot on me as an individual but i'm not sure she gets it. she commemorates me for being able to identify a problem and how good my memory is, and for awhile i thought i was seeing improvement in myself but now i feel like i'm back tracking...or i'm hoping to be fast forwarding to wednesday so i can go and tell her that the forest inside me is burning because at sixteen no matter my sexuality, which is not important at the moment, i don't like who i am right now and i don't know how to fix this. all i want to do is go back to being a sophomore with freshly cut hair and a concert to look forward to. the forest inside me is burning and the leaves on the trees have already been cut off but i can't hear the firemen's sirens coming to put it out and that's what scares me the most: how long am i going to have to burn before i begin to grow again?
this anxiety has been slowly shoving me to the ground. i wake up with my stomach trying to commit suicide and i go to sleep with it contemplating the act again. i just want my long hair. i want the curls and their security to hold guard over my back and for the long braids to reach past my shoulder blades like red velvate ropes, blocking off strangers from knowing who i am, or rather, who i think i am. this weird midway place of existence but having a dulled sense of self is very exhausting. i'd much rather be angry but know who i am than be tired but confused about if my name even matches who i see myself as. ever since mom took audrey hepburn away from me by confirming my suspicions that That Girl is more like her than i'll ever be, it's been incredibly difficult to feel connected to one of my idols, and audrey gave me so much confidence...oh well i suppose i have dan and phil to make me feel valid,,,,new resolution is to tell my therapist about my burning forest, and hope she understands. because currently, i want to cancel all future appoitnments
Re: and they go, i hate to say i told you so - writing - vix - 08-19-2017
Can I track this? I'm tracking this
Re: and they go, i hate to say i told you so - writing - Legends - 09-13-2017
[align=center][div style="0px; width:400px; height:auto; text-align: justify; font-size: 8pt; line-height:13px;"]4:45PM / forget the scissors
have you ever had your trust severed
it happens so fast you might not even know what they just did
its one photo
one word
one action
and whatever rope you and them were braiding together has broken
it's like a fire that came in the night
unexpected and overbearing
coming from a candle you thought you blew out
coming from the one comfortable room in your house
it's a hurricane swirling around you
you thought it was a category 2
but the winds get louder and rain gets harder and the oceans get higher
you realize it was a category 5
it's too much
or is it nothing
i can't trust them
we said we'd stay friends no matter who we became
but high school forced it's hand in change
and i was bluffing if i promised i would stay the same
what would the middle school say to that self
that's the one who i fell in love with
they were my soulmate in snarkiness
not this
i don't know what this is
i don't know what to do either
or maybe it's nothing
they apologized didn't they?
i accepted it didn't i?
didn't i ?
i don't know if i can
or maybe it's nothing
Re: and they go, i hate to say i told you so - writing - Legends - 09-13-2017
[align=center][div style="0px; width:400px; height:auto; text-align: justify; font-size: 8pt; line-height:13px;"]journal entry no.4 / i was uspposed to do this for my therapist but oops
last week was Stressfulâ„¢. I had so much work for APCOMB and violin but it got better this week. besides the little issue above this, this week has been great-ish. I've been basically tired but my friends at school are so great and today i showed syd In The Heights and Falsettos and she liked them so that was really good. i plan on showering tonight finally which is good, and this weekend shouldn't be too bad. my violin teacher gave me a nice heart to heart that was really sweet about my attitude towards violin and how my placement in orchestra can be a good thing too. i've been listening Everybody by Logic and i like it a lot. i've had no homework this week so that's good, but i gotta meet with my math tutor soon to study for that test coming up.
the depression demon has not gone, it's sort of just sitting deep in my stomach but it's not bad. fall is coming and with fall comes leaves and warm rinks and cute clothes and i'm very excited for this. day by day it get's colder and that's very nice. my friends at school are nice and besides today when i got peeved that they kept calling me out lmao, they've been great, i'm going to the college fair next month which should be fun. i love talking to college reps honestly. fall is coming and i'm going to be okay.
Re: and they go, i hate to say i told you so - writing - Legends - 09-17-2017
[align=center][div style="0px; width:400px; height:auto; text-align: justify; font-size: 8pt; line-height:13px;"]journal entry no.4.1 / things are good, which means something bad is coming
since i worked that thing out with f, things have been better, even as that shit was going down things were getting better. it's nice outside and i have all my hw and my hair is washed and i'm helping L move into her new room today and i'm very excited in a nice chill way. nothing too bad has happened, although grandmother has one foot in the grave as it is, which sucks, and mom is devoting all of her time to that so she is never home, but that's okay dad lets me just sit around and watch bootlegged hamilton on youtube without actually being a parent, and now there is gas in my car so i can go Anywhere: i.e. Barns and Noble and Michael's (honestly my two favorite places). i was supposed to do these day by day but i forget.
i honestly don't think these entries are very entertaining for anyone but they kind of help me to put how i'm feeling out somewhere that isn't my personal journal. i've been very calm, but not in a good way. like i feel like my neutral state of being right now is not feeling anything. like this morning i was having fun sending a bunch of memes on snapchat but then i had to get up and do things and now i'm here. it's fine, everything is okay, i just need to tell my therapist and she'll help me come up with a way to stop not feeling anything when i'm sitting by myself. deep breaths kind of help a bit so that's good. also the new fob song is a banger.
school is fine, i don't like it and i likely failed that math quiz oops. i have an anatomy test Tuesday that i am not prepared for but i made a quizlet. poetry is going well, although we didn't do much thursday and i don't have the muse to write anything that isn't depressing. i didn't have dinner last night, this makes that like the fourth time this week, thanks dad. i still need to do my therapy assignment of writing who i'm annoyed with on a piece of paper. this weather is nice and fall is coming, i'm going to be okay. everything is going to be okay.
Re: and they go, i hate to say i told you so - writing - Legends - 09-19-2017
[align=center][div style="0px; width:400px; height:auto; text-align: justify; font-size: 8pt; line-height:13px;"]journal entry no.4.2 / i'm really tired
i'm in anatomy, which means depression. i ahve no idea why but that class just makes me empty. i'm exhausted and tired and i want to just stop school and sleep or watch a movie or listen to lin manuel miranda's fall playlist while silently cursing the weather for being in the 80s (26-31 in celsius) in september. like i'm so utterly exhausted but today in COMB we listened to you'll be back because we're talking about the events leading up to the revolution and i sang the whole thing with L, it was great. speaking of L, she's not having a good day today, which made my exhausted mood go from slightly manageable to hardly manageable.
i need to read/watch perks of being a wallflower. i feel like i'd relate? idk it's one of those things that help me create a nice little book world for myself i guess. i have therapy tomorrow night which i'm looking forward to, and it's F's birthday. she's having her party on saturday which is the same day as E's part which sUCKS because i was super hype for E's party and then to just go home and die of happy exhaustion but now i have to plan a way to work both of those things out and now my stomach already hurts thinking about it.
i'm so mentally exhausted and i still have to do hw and i just don;t want to. but i made a 14/15 on my anatomy quiz so at least this class' grade is looking good. every time i hear the world college i want to stop everything and forget about it. i feel like everyone is ahead of me and i've done more tours/research than most people i know. ugh this is so hella stressful. i also keep thinking about starting a public aesthetic instagram but i always back out of the idea after a good ten minutes of happy contemplation.
this is a mess, i know, but i haven't been writing in my real journal and this is just easier...also because if i'm doing this at school it looks like i'm just typing a paper or hw so nobody will creep over my shoulder